Am I wrong? What should i do?

Question

my problem is that my husband and I had a big problem 2 todays ago. it resulted in domestic violence. I called the police and he went to jail. This is not the first time this has happen but the thing is that in the past we have both been both verbally and physically abused. I know that there is absolutely no excuse for this and I won't make one. My question is really should I have done what I did by calling the police. In the past it has never resulted to bringing a knife in the situation. He broke the TV the fan the dining table and the DVD and he had a knife. But his family thinks that I should have not gone to that extreme because of the past that we had. This is the first time that the police were involved. But i am really on this **** list becuase they think that i could have handled it different but its too late. Whats done is done but i want honest opinions that is not from the family. What should i have done?

oh i forgot to say that he was really drunk and I was really scared.. we also have a child together. and I did put the retraining order on him. We already went to court and he has been binded out with 5000 dollars.. his dad did it.

I am working on the whole divorce thing already... and just for the record i have only try to defend myslef when i did hit him... and about the verbal abuse it has always been after he siad something to hurt me i try to hurt him back verbally.. which is still not good and does not make it better, I know that now.. and well any futere relationship that I may have I know what should be expected.... so yeah we will no longer be together...

Answer 1

Who the hell cares what his family thinks. YES you did the right thing. I am with a guy who has beat the doo-doo out of me in the past and I let it go and let it go till one day it got real bad. I called the cops on him and had him put on probation, ordered to go to anger management, alcohol and substance abuse counciling and mental heath. Since then he has Not put his hands on me again. If you are having issues with anger then maybe anger management will help you too. I have gone in the past and it has helped me tremendously. He has not hit me and his anger has been improving but I tell ya I will NOT hesitate to call again and trust me hun his mother absolutely hates me but oh well. I would rather them hate me then have the guy I am with hurt me. If your guy is not willing to change his pattern of behaviors then you need to concider whether or not you two should honostly stay together. There are people out there that does not do these things either. I know you are hurting and yes it sucks big time but these things will work itself out. Just do not let him back without the change. When my guy first got arrested I moved out and seen him outside of home to make sure he was trying to change and did change before I let him back. Maybe you should try this. Don't be a victim of domestic violence any more. please. I wish you the best of luck with this and your life and I hope you can find a good way to resolve these issues. Take Care!


P.S. And NATHAN you are full of crap. Under no circumstances while argueing should any party use a weapon, lay thier hands on you or break things in the house. I get angry too and I am not this immature to do these things. I have yelled slammed myself in my room and for most parts walk away from the situation till both of us are calm enough to talk about things as adults but never have I harmed anyone or tried to. And how dare you say that she deserved it then quote the bible. very contradicting

Answer 2

Most often, inflated emotions and false accusations are present on BOTH sides when one of the parties "snaps." Granted, what he did was wrong, but this does not excuse your behaviour in the events leading up to it. I'm not sure what happened, but if this went like a typical "fight," you probably deserved it (not to say that he didn't deserve what he got as well, however). The fact that you have both been abused in the past is no excuse whatsoever. If you want to have no future, and only a painful past - kill yourselves now, it will be far more peaceful. If you actually have hopes for a better future, however, it's time for you both to prioritize your lives. First of all, emotions mean exactly nothing. They have no substance, leave no residue, do not effect truth in any way, and serve only to make good people do bad things. The question you have to ask yourselves is, do you truly love each other? If so, then you need to get through your heads that this kind of behaviour is not worth it. You should both be committed to the idea that before hurting each other like this, you would cut off your own hands, and rip out your own tongues. And no, I'm not being figurative - if that's what it took, I would do that to stop myself from hurting someone I love in a fit of anger. If you can't both agree on this, then the one who can needs to leave the other and find a spouse who views things the same way. Many religions teach a complete banishment of all negative emotions, including Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, and Christianity. Most people don't know it, but "wrath," and being "swift to anger," are two of the most condemned sins in the Bible.

P.S. If you were Miss Blameless, and he threw a fit, broke the TV and the fan, and got a knife, get your stuff and leave, get a restraining order, and buy a gun. While 99% of fighting in relationships is both people's fault, there's always that 1% that isn't.

Update: Since you posted your last information, you confirmed all my suspicions. He handles his anger worse than you do yours. That doesn't excuse what he did, but everyone has a breaking point. I personally have never done what either of you was doing, but I've seen many, many fights go down that way, and it's not always the guy who opens with violence. The real issue is, if you truly love someone, how can you hurt them? It's not a question of how could you forgive someone for hurting you, but how could you NOT?

Answer 3

No one should be asking you to justify what you did. It hurts the body and soul to be hit by your husband. How can he do it if he loves you? And why can't he stop himself? And why are you so abusive too? Why can't you control yourself when you get mad? Ignore his family for the moment, they don't have to live with his abuse and are not at risk of being hurt or killed by him. Here's a good question -- What is he going to be like when he gets out of jail? Contact your local information and referral line (you can dial 211 & see if they have it set up already in your area) or ask the police where a "battered woman's shelter" is - they'll know. The shelter will not only be able to help you in case he gets violent when he gets out but they will give you the support you need to stop being abusive yourself and to either work on changing the marriage or to get out of it. This type of violence goes in a circle and you can stay in that circle and go around for the rest of you life or step out of the circle and get some help. Do you think he would go to couples counseling with you? It's out there and it is sometimes free and a lot of times its affordable....you pay what you can afford. You guys learned how to be like this and you can un-learn violent behavior too....it will take a while but you can do it. If you live long enough....you gotta stop. Somebody's going to get hurt.

Answer 4

Miss I was watching a show earlier today talking about this exact same problem. I feel that if you hadn't called the police he might of thought it was okay and taken it to the next level. The statistics state one in three women are abused by their partner by the time their 16. You did the right thing, no matter what anyone says!

Answer 5

What you should have done was leave until the both of you cooled off. However, the argument should have not gone as far with him having a knife in his hand either!
I think your marriage is destruction and you two should seek counseling! Seriously, if you want the marriage to work. If the marriage isn't going to work, you should still seek counseling due to your past.
Do something now before you kill each other!!!! Especially if there is kids in the house.

Answer 6

Here's a thought! What if he would have beaten you so bad that you had to be hospitalized or even worse. If you love someone then love shouldn't have to hurt that isn't love. If this has happen in the past then, hun you are crazy for still staying with him. Are there kids in the picture? if so how do you think this is affecting them? If he loves you and you love him then physical abruse should not even be an issue. You need to take that to the Lord in Prayer and by yourself. You need time from this man and as far as his family is concerned: TO HELL WITH THEM!!!!!!!!!!! They aren't the one that he is beating on.

Answer 7

I'm sorry you had to go through that, but unless you are really proficient in self-defense, I don't think you could have done anything else without putting your life or health in danger. Is he sorry that he did that, now that he's in jail? Maybe you can both attend some kind of counselling, to help him to stop becoming violent, if you think it can be saved. But if he doesn't want help, perhaps you should think about ending it before something more serious happens.

Good luck.

Answer 8

you did the right thing! look, you can't compromise your state of safety! you mentioned he had a knife in the picture this time, aside from your past moments of violence...now that's pretty serious...so stop feeling guilty...you need to figure out why you put up with this man in the first place for all this time? if you think he will change after this incident, you're wrong, he's an abuser and i know that is pretty harsh to deal with, it's not pretty to have to deal with changes..but you need to do this for yourself...why would you want to be with someone that hurts you, disrespects you? what are you worth? answer that honestly! if you think that you are prone to being with someone that is abusive and you deserve it coz let's say that's how you were brought up with this thinking, say you were abused as a kid, then you need to re-evaluate that thinking missy! look,we all have problems, not everyone has a clean slate in terms of crap that has happened to them growing up...but as an adult, you owe it to yourself to do something good for you and you alone...you owe it to you to be happy...you need to walk away from ppl that are abusive and negative for your well being...that's not being selfish...that's self love to love others in a way that is right...i hope that makes sense-as far as the extended family goes...well, where were they all the other times to prevent the knife from entering the scene? if they really were bothered they would have never let it come to this! they need to mind their own business...after all, you are married to this man, not them-i've worked with some women that were in shelters coz their men beat them, burnt them, killed them in the end coz they went to a shelter...don't become a statistic! if you don't have kids, get out of this marriage ASAP!

Answer 9

You definitely did the right thing, now you need to get out of the situation and smarten up. If my man pulled a knife on me, I'd not only call the cops but I'd pawn off all his stuff while he was in jail and get the hell away from him!

Answer 10

You did the right thing.

I'd suggest considering divorce if it continues. The past might be a reason, but isn't an excuse or a justification. If he doesn't care about you enough to put the effort into changing or getting better, he's not worth it.