How to stop a overbearing Mother In Law?

Question

My Mother In Law acts like she is a teenager. She drinks too much, hangs out in bars and acts like a child. She throws a fit when she is not invited on vacations with us or even when I say it wouldn't be a good time to visit (and give her an alternate day). She takes offense that we don't trust many people alone with our kids (especially her boyfriend) and is forever bringing it up and trying to punish us for it. Should I just drop all ties with her? I am trying to be respectful, but I just don't have the drive to anymore.

Answer 1

I used to have an issue with my MIL, and I finally blew it..told her off, and told her if she wants anything to do with MY children then she will play by MY rules...she went a year without seeing my kids...and then she came around...apologized and every things been great ever since. She knows the road to her grand babies is through me....so hopefully your own MIL can figure that out real fast.

I do think some shock treatment is necessary sometimes when deal in with In laws, and I do think its better than just dropping all ties...as grandparent relationships are important to children as they grow. Now, one that is as unstable as what you've described here obviously is not a relationship I'd want to help grow. So, my suggestion is that you tell her you will not tolerate her behavior like that around your children..and if she starts to behave that way you will be taking your kids and leaving. And as far as her throwing a fit over vacations...tell her point blank..that your family takes vacations to get time to spend together, and that you'd rather she spent her time with your family in other ways. If she doesn't get THAT hint..then tell her point blank. We're going on vacation to get AWAY FROM YOU! lmao j/k..but I'm sure you get my drift. Good luck!

Answer 2

This is your husband's mother, right? What does he have to say about his mother's actions? I have seen cases where the adult son will not deal with his mother because of his wife. The wife takes control and the son becomes a whimp, even towards his mother. (Not saying this is the case, but I am trying to hit couple of reasons, why people act certain ways).

The decision should not be up to you decide to drop all ties with your mother n law. If anything, you should be trying to make sure that she and her son have a healthy adult son / mother relationship for the children and whole family dynamics.

Your husband should try talking to his mother, maybe she is trying to get his attention. If he ignores her, that is probably the problem. I would not suggest that you cut ties with her, after all she is your children's grandmother (even if she does not act like one).

Just because a man gets a wife, he still has to remember the woman who brought him into this world and hopefully raised him to be a respectable adult and a positive role model for his family.

Have her to come over to your home (without the boyfriend) since you don't trust him. That way, she can visit the children, you and her son and you can monitor anything you feel you may need to monitor.

It is very important for the children to know their grandmother whether you approve of her life style or not. As long she acts accordingly when she is in front of them is all you need to concern yourself with.

You don't have to take her on vacations, but always let her feel she is part of the HER family and especially her son.

It sounds like she has a case of "attentionitis". Spend good quality time with her and have your husband (her son) talk to her and be an adult son, that is probably what is missing.

Sorry if I was redundant.

Hope my backyard advice helps in some way.

Answer 3

Of course your instincts are right. If she is drinking a lot with her boyfriend I wouldn't turn the kids over to her until they got to be teenagers, and even then maybe not. Is your husband an only child? Does he have any brothers or sisters who are going through the same thing with her? Talk to them all. I wouldn't cut off Grandma. Just "dropping all ties" with her sounds cruel and unwarranted. What does your husband say about it?

Answer 4

I know from personal experience that she will never stop being the way she is. I would continue to be respectful but tell your husband in private that you and him and your children are the family now, and if you're not sane then nobody else will be either. Tell him how She makes you feel. And if all else fails just stop being around her. Let her know that until she can respect you as the mother of her grandchildren that you won't have anything to do with her. She will try to call your bluff so be careful and stick to your guns. Eventually she will begrudgingly come around.

Answer 5

First of all you and your spouse need to get together on a plan of action. You will never have your own life if she is driving the engine. She may have to get her feellings hurt to learn that she doesn't run your family. She has a boyfriend so she isn't being left alone with nothing to do! Your spouse should tell her she is welcome when it works for your household schedule and visa versa. If all else fails have the family sneak our of the house in the middle of the night and go on vacation. Send her a post card and apologize for not tellling her ahead of time that you were leaving!!!

Answer 6

There seem to be a number of questions here. If she were NOT a relative, I am pretty sure you would just drop all ties with her. However, she seems to be your spouse's mother. The most important conversation to have is with your spouse. Express yourself honestly. Ask for help in dealing with her. Together set some house and ground rules. And support each other in dealing with the consequences. You can do it. Remember, you are not responsible for her feelings.

Answer 7

Where is Hubby when all of this is going on ? There is no way in HELL you have to put up with that. She could sue for grandparental rights, but in her case, she would lose. Don't be afraid to put her in her place, specially in your own home. Drop all ties with her and the "boyfriend". Their behaviour is atrociously harmful towards the children. They definetly don't need to see, or be, around that type of activity. Who said she had to go along on vacations with you'll ? Forget that. Don't lie to her, tell her straight out why youi don't want them around, and for God's sake, don't leave your kids with her, ever. If you don't put your foot down now, you will never get her out of your hair. Make your husband take your side and talk to his Mom, NOW !! How do they punish you ? Do you mean make you feel guilty ? Don'tlet them, when they star in on you, don't let them finish, cut them off, tell them to leave, mad or otherwise, just leave. Respect goes both ways.

Answer 8

Make sure your husband is on your side and that he understands that your mothers behavior is unacceptable. Don't let her bully you about the children. It your job to keep your children safe from possible "bad people"

You don't have to drop all ties but let it be known that this is your family and your house and that you would appreciate her respect. And if she can't accept that she shouldn't come by.

Stay firm the well being of your children depend on you.

Answer 9

Good for you!!! Your kids are just that "YOURS" if she wants to see them you should be there. Do not let her have them if you can't be there. Your kid's most likely won't thank you, maybe the "boyfriend " would thank you. You said enough to imply fear of leaving your kids w/mom. Pay attention to what your mind/heart says. Be firm . (If this is a problem think of the worst thing you would like done to you!, then imagine if you were a child--it's even worse!) Yes mom you can see my child,but on the days it's convenient for me. Step away-if it was someone else, what would you say?

Answer 10

If you don't want her to go on vacation with you, that's your decision. If you don't trust her boyfriend with your child, that's your decision.

If she drinks too much, hangs out in bars or acts like a child, that's her decision. The only thing you can do is ignore it. Don't bail her out--let her suffer her own consequences.

Don't leave your child with her though....