I have been with my fiancé for about 3 years now. We got engaged about a year ago, and our wedding day was set for October of this year. She has been great to me since day one that we met. But I've always told her how important honesty is to me. I made it clear that I would not be there after marriage if secrets start popping up. I have always asked her if she is honest with me and if there is anything she should tell me, and her answer has been that there is no secrets and I should not worry too much.
Last week she told me about her secret, that she was once married 6 years ago when she was 20, and that the marriage lasted only 6 months and they got divorced. Her explanation was that she was scared if he told me he would lose me and that he did not want that. I really don't know if she told me this now since we are suppose to get married in 3 months and thinks it would be hard for me to break the engagment off. what should I do?
2006-07-06 12:45:37 · 22 answers · asked by Jet7263 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
How can I possibly know if there are no more secrets? no matter how many times I asked her in the past she has always told me that there were none, so how can I truly trust her this time?
2006-07-07 07:34:07 · update #1
You told her you hated secrets. She swore she had none. Great. Then, after all this time, she springs a previous marriage? Sorry, that isn't just a little secret. Sadly, even though she seems wonderful, she can't be trusted. After all, she DID lie to you. Will you wait years for her to decide to mention the next secret? If she lied once, she'll lie again.
2006-07-14 14:39:05 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well first of all I think it was lousy and chicken **** for you to give an ultimatum like you did that YOU wouldn't be there after the marriage if any secrets popped up. Who do you think you are to demand such? If I were her I would have told you to hit the road. She is a human being and obviously wasn't born the five minutes before you met her. She didn't tell you about her previous marriage because frankly it wasn't any of your business. The only way it could be your business is if that marriage produced a child, which it didn't, that she was bringing into your marriage with her. I think you'd better take a good long look in the mirror and figure out what it is that makes you so insecure that you would say such a thing to someone you supposedly love. I'm sure you've got some imperfection in your life that you haven't fessed up to...maybe too many crappy diapers when you were little? Or how about wetting the bed when you were younger? Maybe SHE doesn't want to find that out after the marriage...maybe SHE won't be there if she ever does find out that you wore diapers as a baby...as a man...you suck.
2006-07-18 19:32:18 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
At least she told you before the wedding. You need to sit down and get some premarital counseling or go to Engaged Encounter. Make sure there are no more skeletons in the closet. If after some premarital counseling you are not able to trust her, call off the wedding. It is not too late. Don't go into a marriage you are not comfortable with. It doesn't sound like she has done anything wrong by being married before, however I can see how she has betrayed your trust. Go with your gut. You will know if this marriage is right.
2006-07-06 12:53:28 · answer #3 · answered by seatonrsp 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The great part is that she told you BEFORE you got married. It is better that it came out now than after you're married. This way you can have the freedom to chose wether or not you want to marry her and not have to go through a nasty divorce.
You should follow your heart. It took her a lot of guts to tell you this and she got it out before the marriage. Give her credit for that. Honesty is a big part of marriage, but so is forgiveness. If you are expecting your future spouse to be perfect, you're in for a big disappointment. Nobody is perfect. If she is a great person and she promises that this is the very last secret that she has kept from you, you are a great guy to forgive her and you will have a strong marriage with her.
My fiance' just told me a big secret just last week (2 months before our wedding) and it was something that he had never told anyone before. He had his reasons for keeping it hidden, mostly because he wanted to keep it in the past, and yes, I was disappointed that he didn't tell me sooner, but it really was a much bigger deal to him than it was to me. I was grateful that he gave me the choice to accept him again before we actually got married.
Your fiance might have also felt that it wasn't something she was proud of and that she is so far removed from her past experience that she wishes it had never happened and doesn't want it to affect her life now. If she feels this way, then she only told you because you wanted her honesty and you should respect that and take it into consideration before making a decision to marry her or not.
2006-07-06 12:58:18 · answer #4 · answered by Sara B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a very common thing for a woman to do. They have a pretend marriage. Usually, they just live with the guy rather than acutally get married, lol. But the principle is the same. They like the idea of being married. It's romantic to them. The reality is something different however. Women have great difficulty living in reality instead of fantasy and their relationships tend to be unstable because of it.
The thing you need to know is if she is still this way. Because if she is, your marriage is only so much bullshit fantasy. Don't be surprised if it just evaporates one day for no reason at all.
It would be a VERY good idea to find this out ahead of time. This calls for frank discussion with her. Spell out exactly the issue as I have outlined it here. If you get any answer except an acknowledgement that yeah, women are like that when they are young and immature but I'm an adult now and ready for a marriage and the responsibility of a family.....if you get any hemming or hawing or what are you talking about, blah, blah, blah, seriously consider staying unmarried.
She needs to prove herself to you on this issue.
2006-07-06 12:56:18 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean she is. Don't judge her though because God is the ultimate judge of hearts. You two need to talk about it and pray about it, but if she slept with three people when you were engaged, I think you finding out about this is God's way of telling you he didn't plan to have you two together. If she cheated three times, she felt she could get away with it and obviously doesn't take the Gospel or Jesus seriously at all. I don't want to make the decision for you, but I don't think you should be with her anymore because she doesn't seem like she is a Christian or cares about how you feel.
2016-03-27 07:04:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh for God's sake..grow up! Everyone has a right to their secrets and the past belongs to them and no need to share it with anyone if they don't feel like it.
Soooo she didn't tell you about her being married before, well, since to marry you she needs her divorce papers she had to tell you, but from what I see, she wanted to make sure that you loved her to share that with you.
It seems that she was worried to lose you, is proof of her love for you and also I can see that you don't give out the feeling that one can trust you to be able to share.
The divorce is not a secret..only she didn't tell you!! Whatever she did in her past isn't any of your business..she didn't even know you, so what's the big deal. I am sure you have secrets you haven't told her..because NO ONE baby, has no secrets
My closet is full of them, I don't feel I have to tell any man about them, none of his business anyway and I don't want to know his. We are starting a fresh life and the past life is dead..so let the dead be with the dead..in the closet..shhhhh now that is a secret...:)
2006-07-16 17:21:57 · answer #7 · answered by Princess Amerindienne 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Gee, I can't imagine why she was scared to tell you. According to you, she's been great from day one but what you've done is beat into her head that if she hasn't told you everything, you're out of there.
If she was married at 20 and it lasted for six months, I'm sure it was painful as well as embarrassing for her. Who would want to remember that, much less admit it?
Point being: you think she's great and you love each other. She did come clean and in the grand scheme of things, it's not that big of a deal. Get pre-marital counseling and congratulations.
2006-07-06 13:10:56 · answer #8 · answered by stseukn 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really love her and still having a hard time believing her, ask her if both of you check out the info she told you. Ask to see her marriage certificate and divorce papers. If she does not have those...she should at least have the divorce decree number. You can find out marriage/divorce information on the web and get the local court to send out for a fee.
Any more secrets? If that is a concern..hash it out in one night, forgive and forget about it...or you need to walk away.
2006-07-06 13:09:17 · answer #9 · answered by dilynjen67 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like she was really scared to tell you that. You guys need to talk things through to find out why she waited so long. I mean, even if she was scared - she risked losing you whether she told you now or later. It doesn't sound all that bad though and being you've been together for 3 years, there's a good chance this time is for the long haul. Best of luck!!
2006-07-06 13:26:28 · answer #10 · answered by Rachel 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋