I love her, but I think i have to leave her. I'm just worried about the kids.?

Question

Married almost 10 yrs. 2 children. Wife was raised by a psycho man hater (who's family will not talk to her). Wife is a stay at home mom (with an MBA). We have a custom built home luxury SUV's 5 vacations a year etc.......
Never happy with anything. she's constantly critical of everything and everyone (as are most of the women in her family - nearly all divorced for same reason). I can't take it anymore. She is by far one of the most selfish pesons I have ever met. Most everyone that knows us asks how I put up with her. Most friends won't socialize with us now because of her negativity and constant criticism of me.

I am just afraid to leave our two precious girls with her. No way to get her ruled incompitent to care for them. Only 17 more years til they are in college and I can leave guilt free. She refuses counseling and says I just need to toughen up.

What to do?

Answer 1

There is a book called "Mind over Mood" that can be bought at Barnes and Nobles for about $20. It is a soft cover workbook. I recommend you pick up two. One for each of you.

Secondly, I understand there is definitely a family dynamic that has caused her behavior, and you have a need to feel validated, but the points that "Most of the women in her family are divorced" or "Most friends won't socialize with us (because of her)" really doesn't more harm than good.

It hurts to feel like you are alone in a situation and I respect that you are taking the time to consider the children. Sticking around takes bravery.

I think you are doing a great think by asking for some advice. I hope that the forum you are asking in is an appropriate one. You are sure to find a lot of sympathy here. I am not sure how much practical advice you will find.

I hope I can help with a little any how.

1. It is clear both of you need help in working things out. But it is also probable that you both need some support in mending some hurt feelings and some bad habits on your own. While you may feel the large share of the blame lies on her end, you may also have some accountability for the current situation. Often when the same arguments happen over an over again it is because both parties have a way of acting that is dysfunction. For instance you may act in a way you feel is loving by trying to give her more space, but it may in fact reward her bad behavior, and enable her to continue acting in a negative way.

Just because she has said in the past that she does not want to go to counseling doesn't mean that you shouldn't go. Love means setting aside your pride. Humility is the greatest act of love a person can have. Pray about it, in what everyway is meaningful to you. And go to her when you are able and tell her with your defenses down, because you care about the marriage you are going to counseling even if she won't. To see if you can learn anything to help things work better, because you love her. She may be mean, and difficult. In an act of love, go to therapy anyway.

She may fight the idea of therapy because she feels it is a personal failing. Or someone she knows had a bad experience, any number or reasons. Try to find out.

There is a technique called "Mirroring":
One person talks. WITHOUT INTERUPTION

The other person repeats back what they understood the main point(s) to be. EVEN if they DON'T agree. The idea is to make sure the first person is heard.

The first person either agrees, or corrects the points.

If any corrections were made the second person had to "Mirror" back the point again (EVEN if they don't agree) until they are accurately stating the other person's point of view.

Only then do they switch.
Now the Second person gets to speak their point WITHOUT INTERUPTION, and refute and points they disagree with.

The First person "Mirrors" back what was said (EVEN if they DON'T agree).

And so on.

This technique is very hard to stick to, but it is fair. And it cuts about 80% of the B.S. out of a fight.

No on can change the topic. No one can interrupt. You have to prove you understand before you can disagree.

It forces everyone to be on the same page.

The last bit I can leave you with is the "pass the butter" tone of voice. A lot of unhappy couples get in the habit of a nasty tone even when "nothing is wrong" the contempt hangs in the air all the time. Try to reverse that. Try to use the same voice for your negative discussions in the same tone of voice as you do if you ask someone at the dinner table to "please pass the butter".

When you make these changes, it is fair to point out. I am not using that tone with you anymore. Will you try to not use it with me?

God be with you.

Answer 2

Above all else, don't play games! This is a very serious and important decision and should be treated as such.

I agree with a previous answer, go to marriage counseling on your own to help you know the best way to deal with this situation. Keep yourself mentally healthy and take an objective approach to what is best for your children and you.

Divorce is not the answer to the problems of marriage (most of the time). Life on the other side of divorce has its own set of issues you will have to deal with that you won't really discover until you are there.

Answer 3

What more can you do? If she's not willing to get therapy then she doesn't care about the relationship.

Just know that if you leave her, and I wouldn't blame you if you did, then know everything will be alright. Yes, it easy for me to say this not being in your situation but when I have faced hard things where it looks like I'm never going to make it, I always land on my feet.

I had a male friend who stayed with his wife and had no children and was miserable in his marriage. I never did understand why he stayed because he loved her but said they were incompatible.

Can you really live your life this way? Are you willing to give up happiness?

I don't want to say leave her but you really need to sit back and totally evaluate the situation.

Good luck to you, I know it's not easy but it will be alright.

Answer 4

Hello

You may need to scare her a little by leaving her for a week or two. She is going to call you crying and thats when you get her to change her bad ways. Most people speak before they think, she maybe one of those person. You have to tell her everything she is doing wrong when she calls you. Or else it will never stop.

Good Luck

Answer 5

well you have two options toughen up and be miserable for the rest of your life and let your kids grow up in that kind of environment or get divorced and let the courts handle the rest with your daughters dads have rights too and there are many fathers rights groups that can help you. you just have to think about what's best for the kids and your happiness are your daughters really going to be happy if your not?

Answer 6

try to talk nice to her and make her realize shes not like her family. And dose she want to be like them coz that's where she headding. Does she know you want to leave Talk to her about it coz that might even change her tune. Good luck with her and hope your children don't get hurt coz they will if you leave resolve every way first. My husband thinks I am the one with the probles but his the one that his mother used to screw around and his father was a drunk he was mostly raised by the neigbor hood so it's all in denill. My husband is now in the last 6 years hafter I threathed him to concerder me and the children Good lkuck

Answer 7

Seek out marriage counseling on your own. They will give you some type of tools to deal with this type of situation. Give her tough love and let herknow exactly how you feel, no sugar coating. Give her a dose of her own medicine and see how she responds to it. You can always video tape her actions then later play them for her. Nothing like watching yourself make a fool of yourself and act like an ******. Hopefully she will see the error of her ways and look at things at a different perspective.
Hope things work out. be patien and pray for strength and guidance.

Answer 8

It seems like your wife's family of origin used put-down as a way of communicating with each other. Her criticism and such may all very well be second nature to her and she may not be aware of its effect on you. We all are more sensitive to criticism especially when its coming from someone we are very close to, like our marriage partner. Nonetheless, the marriage license is not a license to insult one another either.
When unresolved anger spills over, learning how to deal with it effectively isn't easy and most of us don't know how. Any anger that's suppressed eventually oozes out all over the relationship.
When a person struggles with feelings of inadequacy, they deal with it by putting others around them down. This may very well be what your wife is displaying. The criticism may be a desperate attempt to communicate any hurt or anger she may be harboring.
Intimacy creates vulnerability. To share your deepest feelings of love and to be loved can be scary, especially if you've ever been rejected. True oneness is based on a trust powerful enough to risk being vulnerable and still feel safe. For some, this is hard and strange. They keep their distance from each other. This is especially true for some couples who have been married a number of years and have lost the " honeymoon shine" which leaves the them with feelings of frustration.
It appears that your wife's destructive criticism and disrespect has torn down your confidence in her and has put you both in a negative light around others. And I would assume, blocked any intimacy. It certainly will erode your well-being and teach your children to be inconsiderate and unkind.
Most couples who war in verbal cruelty are blind to the destructiveness it creates within the family. Both can see their partners vicious attacks, but are defensive about their own poison. For each partner to realize their part is not easy or painless. In fact, most times outside help is needed to see the truth.
Both of you want respect, especially in front of your friends. Still respecting your mate may not be easy at times, but choosing to express your love in this way will give you greater control over your life. Its a lot better to build your mate's self-esteem than to tear it down. Besides, its more fun to stroll through life with a positive person by your side. Also, consider that nit-picking and criticism assuredly will reduce your partner to a person of insecurity ans self-doubt.
I'm sure that neither of you planned to assassinate the character of each other or wanted to become a couple that is uncomfortable to be around. Rather than staying in the blame game, look below the surface at the causes of your conflict.
Finally, take time to learn how to resolve your conflicts and become your partners biggest fan.

Answer 9

staying because of the kids doesnt do them any good, kids sense tension and it can cause them just as much stress .as for her sometimes a person like that just needs to know that they are loved , maybe a good scare to make her realize that she may lose you will wake her up but dont play games such as cheating it will make for a big mess. if a scare doesnt work cut your losses and leave but be in the girls life as much as possible

Answer 10

Well, I think that you and her should see a marriage counselor. But it looks like she opposes it. Ask her gain, but if she still refuses, I think that you guys should have a divorce. It's better for your kids to live with each parent (at separate times of course) that's happy, instead of two parents who are always arguing. It's unhealthy for kids to grow up with parents who are always arguing, fighting, and being "mean" to each other.