What should I do???

Question

I've been in a relationship for 21/2 years.We live together and we both have 4 kids each (his live with their Mom).I love him dearly (as he says he does me) and I would like to get married. He tells me he's not ready, when I ask why he simply says that he does not want to yet....We agreed that I would leave my job to spend more time with my kids, I now work part time...We live as a married couple, he introduces me as his wife, but he will not get married, "YET"....On heinsight he doesn't have a lot to do with my kids, he supports them but that's about it which is a lot but not enough. we talked with a counselor, the conclusion was that he needed to form a family relationship with his new family and decide to take the plunge or not but the whole package....I think the problem is that he is not sure about the whole package (kids) so i told him that I could no longer live this way.He asked me for some time ('till Dec.) to see if he can do it, this feels like an insult, HELP!

Answer 1

If he showed more interest in your kids I'd say stick it out a while longer because he may decide he's ready. But since he doesn't have much involvement with them, he isn't showing any real commitment. I was in a similar situation. It was a dead end road and A LOT of heartache for me. Not to mention a lot of time wasted. There are men out there that don't have a problem accepting the whole package. I finally found mine and he is awesome. Don't waste your time with him any longer.

and yes, the comment he made when he said to wait til Dec should feel like an insult. It kinda says that he doesn't care if he wastes your time. Like you have nothing better to do. He sucks.

Answer 2

You are in a very tough situation. It would be alot for you to walk away at this point, yet you've put up with enough waiting. I don't blame you for feeling like you do.

I'm guessing he feels guilty. He probably feels like he's abandoning his own children for yours. Ask him about it. If this is the case, tell him you understand. Reach out to his children with equal effort so that you can ease his feelings a bit, as if you are each giving equal committment to both sets of children. REmind him of a very simply fact: marriage at this point in your relationship is simply a piece of paper. You already live like you are married. Not one thing will change except a piece of paper. Ask him, "are you planning on leaving me then? are you looking for an escape plan?" If he says no, then tell him there's no reason not to get married. You have to deal with this delicately.......BUT there's only so much wishy-washy crap I can take. I'd tell him he's got time........but not til December. Keep goign to counseling. One session isn't enough. There are deep issues he's got to sort out here and the sooner that happens, the sooner he will be ready. He should also see the counselor on his own more than as a couple (I've been in a similar situation. counseling was the answer.) At some point you have to put your foot down, but give him a LITTLE more time (for your sake), even though he's already had more than enough.

Answer 3

Yikes, blended families can be a blessing, but they take a lot of work. Good for you on going to a counselor.

I have to say, however, that any man who wants to call a woman his wife without actually marrying her is living in fantasy land, has no understanding of what a commitment really is, and isn't mature enough for such a relationship. I'm not insulting your guy, but I do think you are justified to feel the way you do.

If you are willing to stick it out until December, you have to be ready to completely cut ties with him if he doesn't uphold his end of your agreement. You obviously aren't happy living like this and you deserve so much more.

Answer 4

When a man/woman get into a relationship with someone who has kids. They have to take the whole package. He knew what he was getting into, when he got into it with you. If he can't bear to take it. Then he needs a woman without kids. But thats no fair, when you have to take his kids in either.