Why do I get so mad when I hear any conversations about my husbands ex?

Question

We have my step-daughter for the summer, she lives in another state. Her and my daughter have their conversations and my step-daughter happens to talk about when her mom and dad where together, and it just seems to bother me alot. She's only 11 yrs old, I don't think she does it to bother me. It's just conversations they have as little girls. But it just gets me so MAD. I don't show it to anybody. I know it has to do because of the way his ex is. I can't stand her, she makes it look like since they have a daughter together and due to her being the first wife, she still has power over him. He dosen't let her do it, but she wants to show that to me. My husband is good about it though. He dosen't talk to her unless I'm around to hear what they have to say. I know he has to talk to her because of their daughter. Is it normal to feel this way or do I have issues?

Answer 1

You are dealing with a tough situation. It is great that your husband is so respectful of your feelings. It hurts to be reminded of his life before you.

I would just try to hang in there and keep being a good mom and wife. Eventually the ex will get tired of playing games or power struggles and leave you alone.

Try not to let these issues make you bitter. You will be a better person for it.

Answer 2

It's o.k. to feel the way you're feeling. The fact is, women are just as territorial and competitive as men. You may not realize it, but that's really what it is. It's that way on her end too or she wouldn't make it a point to make you feel she has any power over him. You're right to not make it a big issue too. It would be silly to let someone who is past tense mess up your present tense relationship. I'm sure the little girl isn't trying to upset you. Always try to be understanding. It must be so hard for her and it can be confusing to see her dad with someone else and have a new family. She probably wonders where she fits in in all of this. She may wonder if her dad loves her as much as his other daughter...there are a lot of things she could be thinking. She probably feels a need to talk about it because if she's wondering these kinds of things thinking and talking about how it used to be might help comfort and calm her. It's o.k. Don't let the ex get you down.

Answer 3

It's normal to feel this way & yes, you have issues. The real question, you need answered is this; why are you angry? No, really? Did your husband have a better relationship, with his ex, than with you? Do you feel left out, when her name comes out? If she's ever in your home, you need to be comfortable with your self; that is you are safe because you are in your home, not hers. Be it a phone call, a visit, or just a simple conversation. Which of these ticks you off? a, b, c, or all of the above? The deal is that your husband & his ex are no longer together & even though they have a child together, then why can't you allow your daughter to have the best of both worlds? Why can she not have twice as much love with two moms, instead of just one. I can see that you want your daughter all to yourself, as far as being a mom goes, but what if you were the ex? What if it was you, this lady was talking about? Then what? Find the origin of the lie & you'll be free. Find out what really makes you angry about hubby's ex, ask God why you're angry & He will tell you. You have to ask. His answer will always be yes, no & wait. Don't think of yourself, think of your daughter & your husband because the less you think of yourself, the more you will see yourself as free; free to live, free to breathe, free to love. Be patient, God isn't finished with you yet, although I do see you as blessed. Have a great day!

Answer 4

To answer you question about whether your feelings are "normal"--yes, perfectly.

I think though how you choose to deal with the feelings is what can lead to abnormal. Think for a moment really hard about being 11 again---remember what was important to you. Likely insignificant things---nothing too complex. The love of your family, having a place you called home, getting fed---other than that, having fun!

The young girl is dealing with some very unique feelings to her. She misses the comfort of what she previously always has known as "normal". She doesn’t have the same stability and likely wonders (even if subconsciously) if it will change yet again. I believe when she talks about her mother and father being together it is because it gives her great comfort, it brings her back to that place or time and it makes her feel good.

Now smile about what a wonderful position you have been put in. You have it within you to shape her life. You have the ability to replace the old comfy feelings and thoughts she has with a new (and hopefully improved) feeling of stability, warmth and love between you and her father.

She will slowly forget about that past when the present situation becomes at least as good as the old----it isn't there yet (at least for her). I know how hard it is to do, but try and embrace that old life she had with the two of them together, learn to find some humor in the stories---make dad the butt of the jokes (he won’t mind, right?). Show her that you (and dad) are comfortable with her company and what she might want to talk about in the same way her mother is comfortable with her.

I can promise you that your feelings about the ex too will fade. You thought he was worth all of this---you owe it to yourself and to him to do everything in your power to create the kind of family his daughter needs as she learns about the world.

Good luck!

Answer 5

I understand how you feel love, but if you want to be able to make the relationship work, you must come up with a solution to the problem. Problem 1: He is cheating on you and is trying to avoid letting you know about what goes on in his life Solution 1: You and him should go see a marriage counselor to help resolve marriage issues. If that doesn't work, try to divorce this man because it hurts more to be in a nasty relationship that will end badly than out of a nasty relationship. Problem 2: He is trying to resolve the problem with his ex-wife because he doesn't want her in his life Solution 2: Try sitting down with him and talk to him about a compromise that can be made for both of you and his ex-wife so that he doesn't have to think about her any longer. He should be able to move away from the past and forward to the future. So take the time to look at the problems along with the solutions given and see which one works.

Answer 6

These feelings are common, and completely human. It is a mixture of jealousy and insecurity. You may be somewhat insecure in the sense that your husband may leave you for someone else. Plus you are a little jealous of the fact that he isn't "all yours." But don't freak, these feelings are normal (no matter how much I sound like Mr. Rogers right now).

Answer 7

Girl whats the problem?I see know problem.Get over it,you are waddling in nothing.The only thing I see is insecure.You have no complaint with your husband and your husband is making this situation comfortable for you.Donot make this a problem in your marriage,life is to short. It not their fault they met each other first.Come on pull yourself together.It will be alright.Remember you got him,not her.Put your time and energy making this marriage work and being a mother to those girls.I hope this encourage you.

Answer 8

It's TOTALLY normal to feel the way you do. However, that said, I do think you and your husband could benefit from couples/family counseling. You should get all this out on the table so that you can work on ways to let go of that anger. It's not good for your relationship to let it fester. Good luck and hang in there!

Answer 9

One has to accept thse situations as a fact and part of life, when the choice happens to be marrying a partner who already has had a family.There isnt anything abnormal.But its better to look things in a positive perspective than the blame game and jealousy.

Answer 10

you have issues she was and always will be number 1 you knew this before you married him unless you broke them up you have nothing to worry about i am sure if she really wanted to she could have you turning flips that is not her mission let go of the past have fun with the girls and stop crying over spill milk