Engaged, but torn....?

Question

I am having a problem sorting out which feelings I should hold on to and which to go ahead and let go of. I'm still in love with my first love from when I was 17 and 18. We were together for just over a year. I did a realy stupid thing and lost him at prom. I thought I wanted to be older and go out with someone who was 22. Needless to say, I was trying to be something I wasn't. We tried to get back together a couple of times over the next year and a half but we never seemed click well after that.

Since then, we've both had two kids each and been married and divorced once. It seems as though neither of us can find just the right person to make us happy. I am currently engaged to the man I've been with for four years now, and I love him dearly, but I catch myself thinking of my first love every day. I always have. We talk every couple of months, and the last time I spoke with him, he said he still loved me and always have. It tore me up, and now I don't know what to do.

It's a very complicated situation. We've both grown up a lot since then, but neither of us wants to hurt the people we're currently with. If either of them knew the feelings we had, there would be trouble for sure. If I go with my heart, I'll break up my family. I love my kids too much to do that to them. If I go with logic, then I may never know if I really would have been happy with him, or if it was just unresolved, lingering feelings.

I think my issues here are more than just "which one is old and new". I think my heart would be happier with the "old", by my new life doesn't fit well. My head is telling me to, for the children, to stay with the "new". I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to guess or not know for sure. I honestly don't think I'll be happy in either situation the way it stands right now.

Answer 1

look even if you see him again it will hurt and bring up old feelings so why not let it go and live for today and be happy with what you have now let it go.

some times the past can hurt

Answer 2

Hmmm.

Well, you do need to make a decision, and yes, it will cost you. I wish you could avoid that, but it sound like you can't.

Review your current life and your relationship with your old flame seriously. Are you both really older and wiser? Were you both really that compatible?

Basically, you are risking what you have now -- which is at least average, if not good -- for something with the potential (you think) to be better. It is a risk. Definitely. Things have fallen through before with your flame. You don't know what might happen.

How would you integrate your families if you married your old flame? How old are your kids now? If they are too old, their attachment to your current bf will cause some pain if you leave him. They will get two new siblings and a father, true, but it's still a hard change.

There is no certain answer. You really have to decide what you and your kids are willing to live with.

I just encourage you to not second-guess your decision, whatever you choose.

Do what you think is best, and tell yourself that you made the choice and now you should stick to it, no matter what.

I would say that I was in love with someone once, and it fell through. I was devastated. Things dragged out for a few years, and then I met someone else and got married. We have been married for fourteen years, with kids, and I love my wife.

But new love still can never erase the commitment I felt towards other people in my life. Those feelings, I think, get burned into us. I wonder sometimes what life would have been like if I had married this other woman. I think that's human.

Still, when I look at things now, I do see that if I had married my old flame, it wouldn't have lasted long. My wife and I have been through some hard issues that I am fairly sure would have destroyed a marriage to anyone else. (My wife is a very stubborn, tenacious, faithful, and dedicated woman... :) )

I guess I am saying that your feelings are there to guide you, but they do not dictate what you should do. If you stick with your current guy, you might still always love your old flame... and that's okay. You don't have to regret anything.

Either way, at least you have those feelings to treasure no matter what happens... it's very rare to feel so connected with someone.

Answer 3

You shouldn't break up your family just because your ex told you he loves you and still have feelings for you whatever. And you feel the same!!! That is wrong!
You should not get married to this guy you're with, until you are sure you're ready to deal with getting hurt and hurting someone.. Do what is right. He is your ex for a reason... it didn't work out before, what makes you think it will work now?
You've got someone who loves you, stop talking to your ex because it will be harder for you to make the right decision and then make a selfish one. I haven't known a person yet who did not forget their first love, but there are more to life than hanging on to something that could have been and should have been. But then again, only you can make that decision, only you can make the right decision. Go with what your heart tells you!!!

Answer 4

We always going to think about our first love. Cause they were our first love. But you sound like you are carrying not only unsolve feeling's, but also your are carrying the gulit from what happen between you both.
But you and him went seperate ways, and done things in life. Even if he said he loves you. You are tie in a relationship with another man. You can drop the relationship you are in now, and get with him. But how do you know, that it will work out for you both.
Then it don't, and you be thinking what a fool you was for dropping the other man. You are not tie down in a marriage yet. But you are facing a road that forks. The man you are with now is on the left. Your old flame is on the right. You have to pick which road to take.
Then again, you have kids to think of. They be drag from knowing someone, to a new person they never saw before. Knowing they have to get to know someone else again. That could be to much for them.
Then again, like I said. It's your choice. What happen , in either one you take. You have to make the best of it.

Answer 5

How awful for you. Life with your ex is never going to happen. You have tryed to get together with your ex & it didn't work out. You must move on as life is too short to think about what could have been or should have been. Send thoughts of your ex out of your head by thinking of other things that make you happy.

Answer 6

Your first love is always the most impressionable and will always hold a special place within your heart that is most dear to you....but lets face it...they are on a pedestal because we put them there and its our minds that are keeping them there not reality, reality is its been over, and failed in continued attempts to re-spark that romance...it wasn't because of lack of effort, it was because it wasn't meant to be...and for you to still hold him up on that pedestal and yet nothing has really changed, he has moved on and so have you....but in order to allow true love to find your heart, you need to let him go, fade away...his memory doesn't have to disappear , it just has to no longer prevent someone else from being put up on that pedestal again...love the man your with, allow it to become happily ever after.

Answer 7

you do have a problem and it need to be resolve before you marry this man i think you know what you need to do are you will always wonder what could have been take some time to explore talk to this other guy see if he has the same feelings seems like hes your soul mate dont open a chapter before you close one good luck

Answer 8

I think you should search your heart first.See what it is tell you because your heart won't lie.Talk to your old boyfriend and see where he is in his life.Don't git rid of someone who maybe the right one for something of the past. People change and you should be happy so search your heart,pray,and I know you will make the right choice.Good luck

Answer 9

I think you should think it over good and if the man is not for you what can you do. God has someone more better in your life maybe that is why its not working out but think about it and decide so you don't hurt the one that is with you now.

Answer 10

You are not with your ex for a reason want you stop keeping in touch with him and see if the feelings are there after that