me in such a demeaning way again. I've heard it before, however it does feel different this time. He knows I'll leave. Should I give him one more chance? Is it worth it if I have to go through 1 more minute of abuse? I love him, but am in no way happy living the way we have been.
2006-07-06 08:45:04 · 26 answers · asked by AKMM 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I feel sick to my stomach. He wants to be loving all the time sooo bad, but he truely has a problem. I have no hope left. It's so hard to believe that he can change for me and our family.
2006-07-07 05:54:44 · update #1
That really sucks. I'm so sorry that you're in that kind of a relationship. And I'm glad that you're tired of it and realize that you aren't happy, and want to change something.
He's gotten into a pattern of treating you as an outlet for all the frustration he feels, and since it's a habit, something has to change for him to break it. I'm not in any way saying that his actions are your fault, but since you have allowed it to continue, he won't be able to change his habits without something drastic happening, and he won't be able to do it by himself. Y'all need to have a talk about what it's going to take to get him to change his ways. You need to sit down when he's not angry or stressed or drunk or anything, and you may need to have a friend or family member nearby, maybe in the next room, so that he doesn't start abusing you during the conversation. You probably need to move out and take your kids while he goes to counseling and you two go to marriage counseling. He shouldn't be able to visit you during a certain amount of time at your new place, maybe 6 months, and no matter how well it's going in counseling, you shouldn't break that rule. If things get better, then keep going to counseling, and consider moving back in. Be talking with him about this at the counseling sessions. And make sure he understands that when you first move out, you're not coming back for sure in 6 months, even if he does start behaving a little better, that you'll only come back if you're convinced that everything's going to be okay.
After you're going to counseling, be ready to have to change some of your habits as well, because it may make it easier for him to treat you the way he should if you make a few small changes, like putting the cap back on the toothpaste or something stupid. Sometimes that's all it takes after 5 years to set someone off. He needs to deal with his anger problems, but you can try to respect him, that certain things will bug him a little, and it won't take much effort on your part to change those things.
2006-07-06 09:25:35 · answer #1 · answered by Carrie S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He will not change without counseling and even then it might not happen. Five years is a long time to be emotionally abused let alone physically. It is time to make a new life for yourself and your children where peace in your home is priority. You do not realize that he has taken control of you and when you do get out on your own you are not going to know who you are. Men that control also manipulate. Please check into counseling for co-dependency. You are going to need some encouragement and assistance to overcome the trauma you have been experiencing. He has probably isolated your from friends, family and church. Find a church that will give you assistance, if you do not already have one. Be honest with them about everything. Do not lie, do not try to make it look different than it is. I pray the LORD direct your footsteps and keep you and your children safe. Look to the LORD for your strength, seek HIS face always. HE will never leave you nor will HE never forsake you. Read Isaiah 54.
2006-07-06 09:14:59 · answer #2 · answered by Debra 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It IS about the two of you, and then your children. You are the victim of what should be a crime and believe it or not your children more then likely want the abuse to stop in any way. What do you think they are learning by seeing you treated this way? Try getting some outside help but if he continues to behave so poorly you must move on and show your children that you are worth receiving respect!
2006-07-06 08:57:35 · answer #3 · answered by Shelly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's hard to tell how extreme he is, by what you have told us. If he tells you, you are worthless, calls you names, and tells you that you will never be anything... then yes, that's very bad and you don't need to deal with it. I would suggest, that in order for you to even consider being with him, he MUST get therapy because he's not a happy person himself.
On the other hand, If you're just very sensitive, and he's not really getting, what is truly verbally abusive, then you two are going to have to set some guidelines. It's very difficult for a women to be with an emotional abusive man, and it's also very difficult for a man to be with an emotionally sensitive woman. Good Luck.
2006-07-06 09:11:06 · answer #4 · answered by Nep 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dated a man that was the same way, also for five years. I think that although I told him I would leave I didn't cause I was used to being there. It took him turning physically abusive to get me to leave with is sad. I think you should get out before you and your 2 children have to go through any more torment. Abuse is abuse, whether it is verbally, emotional, or physical.
2006-07-06 08:53:28 · answer #5 · answered by banshee 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay two things here: You and your Kids. Maybe you can handle the verbal abuse, but do you want your children hearing their father abuse their mother? And do you think your children will respect you if they see that your husband gets away with calling you names? Sweetie, my brother is the most verbally and emotionally abusive person I know and these people don't change until they see a therapist. He doesn't see you as his wife, he sees you as an anger outlet and that's not about to change. If you go back he'll know that he can manipulate you.
2006-07-06 08:52:24 · answer #6 · answered by cyber_music 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would not stay even for a minute longer. I mean think about how the abuse affects your children in their development. If I were abused even once (if at all) i would leave that second. He makes fake promises that deep down you know he'll never keep. And how can you love someone who makes you unhappy? If I were you I would take the kids and leave NOW!!! No more chances because one leads to another which leads to another and so on and you'll never leave. Save yourself and your children and leave him IMMEDIATELY!!!
2006-07-06 08:51:55 · answer #7 · answered by daydreamer 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's up to you. Make the best decision you can, and make it your final decision: Either leave now, or give him *one* more chance.
No more.
You don't want to get into the pattern of reneging on your commitment; and he won't be able to help himself from taking advantage of you if you do not carry through with your promise to leave.
Look at everything, decide if it's worth it for your kids and for you and him, determine whether there's a good chance things could change, and then do one or the other.
But again, no more.
If you stay, you could insist he sees anger management counseling or marriage counseling. When he's mad, he seems to take it out on his family. He might have control issues as well.
He needs help with his coping skills and a change of heart towards you in order to succeed. He needs to value you enough that he won't want to hurt you.
So support him that way -- by setting him up to succeed -- if you decide to stay, by insisting on counseling.
2006-07-06 08:55:37 · answer #8 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Past behaviour is an indicator of future behaviour.
If you have decided that you want to leave and you let it drift back to the good old ways again, then when he is next verbally and emotionally abusive, you will hate yourself for not taking a stronger stance.
If you decide that you are going to give him one more chance, then make it ONE MORE CHANCE and if it does slip back to the bad old ways again, stick to you guns and definitely leave next time.
2006-07-06 08:54:38 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
How many chance s did you give to him before ??? Way you talk, he been doing it for a while . Let no man hit you. Pick up a skillet and bang him on the head. Don't sit there, bruise and with a bloody lip. Saying to yourself, one more chance, I give him one more chance.
One more chance might be too late. He could put you in the ground next time. No man is worth staying with like that. Get your *** and your kids out of the house. How you know, he won't hurt the kids out of anger.
Life is too damn short, to be with a stupidass like him. He just use his fist for talking. Cause he don't have enuf brain cells to think with. Go to a women shelter, and get help. For you and the kids.
2006-07-06 08:53:33 · answer #10 · answered by kygl28 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋