How do I deal with my step son?

Question

My husbands 11 yr. old son just came to live with us a month ago. His mother basically got sick of dealing with his behavior and told my husband to take him. He is somewhat of a difficult child and we are putting him in counciling. He lies, has stolen from me 3 times(including money), cheated at school, etc. He doesn't seem to feel shame for the stealing from me, just mad that he got caught. I feel for him, cause I know he has not had a great life with his mom and step dad, and has always been labled the "bad child". Still, I find my self very frustrated with the whole situation and cant help wishing that I didn't have to take on this responsibility.

Please no hateful or smart allek answers!!
I need real advice from women who have been in this situation!

Answer 1

This is going to be tough for you I know. ( I was engaged to a man with an extreamly spoiled over-weight 5 yr old whose mother signed over her parental rights ).
The good thing is you and your husband are doing the right thing as far as getting the young boy into couseling. There's a book that I'll suggest to you and i'm not trying to be funny about it at all. It's the Dr. Phil book called "Family First" it's a book that litterally helped save by best friends marriage.
Another thing that can be done, that you and your husband can initiate with your stepson is to:
#1. Not to enable his negitive behaivor. Put away your purse and your husband wallet. Put away your valubles. You have to make a choice not to engage him when he starts behaiving in a way not becoming to a child his age.
#2. It's important that you and your husband come up to a common ground with disipline with the boy. And disscuss them with him so that he knows what the rules are clearly.
This works like nothing I've ever seen so I feel I must share it with you.
( If he lies, take the playstation for 2 weeks. Don't give in the whining and tantrums. If he continues the lying the stealing and the cheating at school let him know that he's going to loose more of those things that he likes so much.
For example, if the negitive behaivors continues even though you've taken away a few things....take it all out. Take the all of the toys, posters, skateboards, baseball stuff, video games, stereo, dvd player, computer and t.v.....take it all out and put it under lock and key. Leave him nothing but his bed, sheets and his clothes.
Let him know that if he wants his things back he's going to have to EARN them back with POSITIVE BEHAIVOR. One full week of good behaivior he can pick 1 item to get back into the room like a poster or a toy ( leave the big things like the video games, tv, dvd player and stereo and computer for ABSOLUTE LAST) This is a non physical type of dissapline that WORKS!!! I've seen it work, I've done it myself with my god daughters when they lived with me for a year. It works like a dream. It's hard at first but you've got to stick through it. Once they know you're not giving in to the tantrums and attitude then they start to comply on their own.
#3. Listen to him if he ever starts to talk about why he's so hurt, why he's so angry or why he's so scared. ( Remember anger and bad behaivior is only an outward response of fear, frustration and aggrivation. ) Let him know that you appreciate him speaking to you and that you genuinly do care about him and his concerns.
Comming into a marriage where there are already children involved is never an easy transition for everyone. There are times where you will be aggrivated and annoyed and "wishing that you did'nt have to take on this responsibility". But for your marriage you have to hold on. You and your husband need to do everything you possibly can to be there for that little boy because the truth is, he's really hurting right now. Something happened to where he felt like he had to put up a wall and this "tough" exterior. This is why the couseling is critical.
I truely feel for your situation and I truely hope that I've offered at least a tiny bit of help in this. Don't give up hope. I know it's hard. You'll be ok and your family will heal. Don't give up hope. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

I am the step mom of 2 children. I raised one and the other one could never adapt to his mom not being there. He seems ok now is 20 and in the navy. We had every issue even tried counseling. His dad let him go live with his Dad's mother trying to help him adjust to the divorce, and he finally went with his mom at 15. He came back at 18 to finish his last year of school with us. The divorce makes the children feel like they are on the outside looking in instead of the inside looking out. They need unconditional love and support. Looking back I wish I would have been able to provide that so that he could have fit into the family. My son also felt the same way. He is also 20 and has told me that he never felt part of the family. I know you dont want this burden, but if you could find a good counselor and work through these issues, it would be worth it in the long term for all parties.

Answer 3

Honey,

You married your husband "for better or worse" so quit your whining. You are the adult in this situation which supposedly means that you are more understanding of life than your 11 y/o son. YES, son.

He probably HAS had a miserable life with his mother and now it is his father's turn to step up to the plate and TRY his very best to help out his son........... whatever it takes. Since you are married to this "father", it is your responsibility as well.

Counseling is a very good start for the little boy and chances are you and your husband will have to go to separate counseling without your son, as well.

YOU will have to do all it takes to be supportive of this young man through his rough time. His terrible behavior is his way of crying out for help, especially in this time of abandonment by his mother.

There is little advise that any of us "Yahooligans" can give you except to say you need to quit your whining and be supportive of your "new son". While it will be a long hard journey, it should pay off in the end.

mb

Answer 4

Be his friend, he already has parents. He is just craving some good old fashion attention. Not materialistic possessions, Not Money, just some attention. Unfortunately for you, you can never take the place of his Mom nor will his step-father take the place of his Dad. Mom will always be Mom. You can be a really good friend, as well as an adult he respects.

Take it one step at a time, sit down, just out of the blue, have general conversations with him. Put yourself in his shoes and try to feel what he is feeling. I come from a divorced family. It is not easy to have Mom and Dad in separate places or with separate families. And please, whatever you or your husband do, never, ever speak badly of the other parent in his company. As he gets older, he will see whatever it is he needs to see for himself. It's not easy being the third wheel and having to deal with the he said, she said issues. He needs love and affection, someone he can truly trust and confide in.

As for the counseling thing, sometimes that can back fire. It only makes the child think there is something mentally wrong with them. It did with my sister. Divorce, unfortunately is never easy on anyone, especially the children. Just be his friend, lend an ear and truly listen to what he is trying to say. And remember, ACTIONS do SPEAK LOUDER than words. Especially if you do not know how to verbally express yourself.

Answer 5

I feel for you! Although i do not have step children the situation your are in can occur with any child... the fact that he has gone through a lot in his short life, mom and dad, mom and step-dad, and even the remarriage of his dad to you, seems like it is/was a lot to handle for him, in my opion he seems to be lashing out at all of you, and sometimes that is what kids do when they feel that they can't trust or talk to an adult... Getting him counseling is a great idea although it might not be enough, you might want to look into a treatment center, not mental but behavioral, this way he is removed from the environment and can focus totally on himself without pressure from mom, dad, step-dad, and you, ... I admire you for reaching out and looking for some sort of help or advice, you genuinely care and prove that not all step moms are evil... Good Luck!!!

Answer 6

Time and a LOT of patience. The child needs to be shown that there is a loving environment out there. Its not his fault and good for you for figuring this out early.

Stealing is actually very common, so don't feel singled out. Lying is also very typical for his age group. He's just testing to see what he can get away with.

As difficult as it is for you, know that you're doing the right thing for him. Its a hard situation to be put into, but kudos to you for doing what you can. You & your husband are good people. Counseling and a lot of love will go a long way toward getting things put right. Good luck.

Answer 7

Well, you married his Dad so he is your responsibility. It sounds to me that the boy needs your love more than anything. It is a shame that he has always been labeled the bad kid. You know when we are told these things over and over all of our lives, that is what we try to do. We always want to live up to the expectations others have of us. Maybe, Dad could start doing cool boy things with him, maybe you could get him into sports, boy scouts, ect. to help boost his esteem. You need to get him into Church and talking to a Pastor. Good luck!

Answer 8

When you bring him to a therapist have a list of behavior concerns. You have described a few things - neurologically based ADD or reactive Attachment Disorder which is emotional is caused by neglect or abuse early in life and is treated with therapy. A separation with one or both parents can cause it, too.
Look up these problems and bring your research with you to the therapist. Also, get family councelling.

Answer 9

this is a hard one...my husband is my sons step father too, and my son has ADHD which can make him difficult to deal with at times..best thing to do is show support and Patience..and things will work out eventually even if you need to get the kids on meds or constant counseling.

Answer 10

whoop his a** a couple of times and he will learn that u are the wrong one to be bad with

soon or later he will get tried if being whoop.... just dont abuse him let him know who the boss is

my mom did it to me a it taught me respect and how to control my behavior... it taught me to be a child while i can be im not always going to be one..... because kids have it made for them already.we dont get out and work every day to survive all of that is taken care of....let him no who run your house...and its not him