Should I feel betrayed?

Question

Okay, so I'm at a gay bar with a date and I run into an openly gay guy from my work. I'm not exactly "out" at work. He's an entry level worker and I'm in upper management (just some background, not being judgmental). So, I say hi, blah blah blah. Well, he goes back to the office and blabs it to the biggest blabbermouth. I don't really care, but I like to keep my private life private. Anyone else have a similar experience? How did you handle it? I told him that we "controversials" need to keep eachothers back.

Answer 1

I would definitely feel betrayed. I am not out period I have one gay friend who I am out to at work. I have been to gay bars here in the town I work in but I live an hour and half away from where I work so I can have the double life. I would be mortified if someone spread it around that I am bisexual. It is not that I am ashamed but I m not out to my wife or family and my being bisexual is my business. Most of the guys I hang out with at the bar know I am married and not out and they are all cool with that. I hang out at one of the friendliest dives in the queen city. The Woodshed is a cowboy bar and the clientele is the best group of guys around. Not one of them would ever think to out me for any reason. I cant imagine what a person would be thinking going to his office and spreading something like that. If I ever saw anyone I knew at the Woodshed I would never mention it to another soul just because homosexuals need to be discrete in all thing you never know when you might be around someone with a personal bigotry that could negatively influence your chance for promotion.

Answer 2

First off let me say that I feel for you and that yes you should feel betrayed. I have been openly gay since I was 10 so I have never been in your situation, however I have had many friends who were. You did have the right notion when you in formed him that you the "controversial" do need to keep an eye out on each other. The way my friends have handle the same experience was slightly different, they got the other person fired. I agree with your method and all I can say is that if it is brought up to you at work inform your co-workers that it is your private life and it really is none of their business. As upper-management you have to keep a professional attitude.

I hope this helped.

Answer 3

>>>So, I say hi, blah blah blah. Well, he goes back to the office and blabs it to the biggest blabbermouth. I don't really care, but I like to keep my private life private<<<

I'm confused.

If he went and "blabbed it to the biggest blabbermouth," what was "it" that he blabbed?

Something that you told him about yourself, obviously -- even though you said that you "like to keep your private life private."

Well, obviously you must not have kept your private life TOO private when speaking with this guy -- otherwise, he wouldn't have had anything to blab about to the biggest blabbermouth.

Besides, if you're upper management and he's entry level, then according to today's workplace rules, you're borderline guilty of sexual harrassment for making any type of advance on him.

If an upper management man made advances at all toward a subordinate woman, she'd have a case for harrassment -- and rightly so.

But I guess you gay guys think you're above the rules, eh?

Answer 4

Talk to him and don't do it at the office. Do this elsewhere not as a co-worker but as a fellow gay man. Tell him your feelings, ask him for an apology. It's about all he can give you now. Tell him to stop spreading the information around. If he fails to do so, or if he turns drama ***** on ya and does it even more than do what you can to get him out of your life. Meaning get him fired or discharged. Soon after he shuts his trap things will die down and people will forget.

Answer 5

I've shared a similar experience as you did. However the best way of handling it is to go about your normal day and not worry. More than likely people will be turned off by your friends BIG MOUTH, and be sympathetic with you. Perhaps its your past reputation that will offer you more cushion than you expected. Your private life is just that; and its nobodies business. Keep your head up man; and don't forget to smile!

Answer 6

Yes, this kind of happened to me. I started seeing my g/f and her ex found out. The ex and I used to work together and next thing I know she is calling everyone at work (she didn't even work there anymore!) and telling it. I got to my boss before she did and spilled it, "guess what.. I'm gay and I'm seeing ____"
A few people were suprised but I found that the most common response was, "duh".
It turned out she did me a favor by being such a b*tch. I was still angry with her and I wouldn't trust her with anything AT ALL in the future but I lived. Life even turned out better because of it.

Good luck, keep an eye on the a**holes of the world. That's all you have to do though because everything else should be given to living your life the best you can.

Answer 7

I would let him have it...he is an idiot who has no sense of propriety, period. IT is not his job in life to "out" anyone. He is the type that gives Gays very bad names at times. And screw the "watch eachother's backs" stuff...your back doesn't need watching, your acquaintences mouth certainly does. He is immature, loves to spread "secrets," will be the first to tell bad news...all in the name of making himself feel important, regardless of who he hurts, or may hurt. Yes, I would really let him have it pronto, I would spare no words, and in fact, would cut him to ribbons with words...and I would probably do it in front of the people he carried the tale to. (certainly no reason to think you need to keep it under wraps anymore, is there?) I would do it in such a way that everyone in the room is dying laughing...I can cut someone to shreds while making it a joke for all...try it...it works. He needs a 1st class lesson in manners, and this is the only thing this @$$hole is going to listen too. Embarrass him but good, leave no stone unturned, and...I will remind you, time wounds all heels...he will be bleeding severely in his life. Good luck

Answer 8

Did you ask him not to mention that you were at the bar? If you did and he agreed then told everyone then yes you should feel betrayed. If you didn't then you need to suck it up.

As he is openly gay and saw you in a gay bar with your BF he had every reason to assume that you are out.

Also perhaps he doesn't consider himself a "controversial."

Answer 9

Clearly you do care about that whole situation; otherwise, you wouldn't have posted the question.

You're just going to have to handle things. If it suits you, tell him that you didn't appreciate him running around the office and outing you. It's not his job, it's yours.

Answer 10

your personal life is yoursto share not his. he has already outed you so it's too late for reparations. i would confront him and ask him if he would like to have his work related "differences" talked about around the water cooler. maybe you can convince him to use more professionalism and discretion in the future.