Is it ok that my husband does not want me to have any friends?

Question

My husband is really a great guy.I think that he just gets jealous if i have any friends. Its like he wants to be my one and only friend.He said that i don't need any friends because all i need is him. He said that all his ex have cheated on him.Maybe he thinks that if i am out with my friends i might find someone else.He gets really mad at me if i bring up the fact that i would like to have a friends.Before we got married i had a best friend and he made me feel like i had to choose between them.We would get into big fights when i went to her house.So i stop calling her and i stopped going to her house. Now i don't have anybody.When i did work he did not like it because i would take a girl home or i would go shopping with one of the girls i worked with after we got off of work.I did not take anytime away from him.He was still at work when we went shopping.I tried to e mail what use to be my bestfriend and he told me that if i need her than i don't need him. IS he right?

Answer 1

Verbal or nonverbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner may include:

threatening or intimidating to gain compliance
destruction of the victim’s personal property and possessions, or threats to do so
violence to an object (such as a wall or piece of furniture) or pet, in the presence of the intended victim, as a way of instilling fear of further violence
yelling or screaming
name-calling
constant harassment
embarrassing, making fun of, or mocking the victim, either alone within the household, in public, or in front of family or friends
criticizing or diminishing the victim’s accomplishments or goals
not trusting the victim’s decision-making
telling the victim that they are worthless on their own, without the abuser
excessive possessiveness, isolation from friends and family
excessive checking-up on the victim to make sure they are at home or where they said they would be
saying hurtful things while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and using the substance as an excuse to say the hurtful things
blaming the victim for how the abuser acts or feels
making the victim remain on the premises after a fight, or leaving them somewhere else after a fight, just to “teach them a lesson”
making the victim feel that there is no way out of the relationship --

Please note that abuse doesn't have to be physical!

Answer 2

I do not believe this is a healthy relationship for either of you. As women, we NEED the companionship of other women. Friends are important for many reasons other than having someone to go shopping with or to tell you whether those pants look hideous on your or not. Friends provide support and protection. Friends also provide compassion and love to us when we are feeling insecure. Friends are also important because if they are true friends they will be honest with you. Brutally honest! Having a husband that is also your best friend is great, but you should not be required to have him as your ONLY friend. I'm sure you do not require him to forfeit all his friends when you married him.

You should not stop being who you are when you date/marry someone. Also, if you do not want to work and you are able to do so, that is wonderful. If you DO like to work, you should not be made to feel as if this is wrong. Working and contributing to the household, or even making your own money is a powerful confidence booster, an increase in self worth, and empowering. By requiring your to give up your friends and to pressure you into not working you are being trained to think that you are nothing with out him. What's next, asking permission to leave the house? A chaperon to the grocery store?

Perhaps marriage counseling should be discussed or looked into. Please be careful and I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

This is defenitely not healthy to not have any friends.
The fact that u even have to ask if he is right worries me. How do you know he's not cheating on u and just wants you to avoid meeting other guys. If he really loves you, he should trust you and just be done with the past. If it IS true that his past girlfriends have cheated on him, that doesn't make it right for him to make that the foundation of your relationship. If i were you, I'd dump his *** and move on. You don't need to take that crap and if you do contiune to see him, then you're just stupid in the first place anyway. I hope you take my advice. Loose the guy and just find someone else who doesn't interfere with your social life. the fact that he doesn't want you to have any friends is also a sign of insecurity which could later lead to abuse. I say, get out while you still have a fighting chance.

Answer 4

There is nothing healthy about your hubby not wanting you to have friends. I had a huge circle of friends when I married my first husband. By the time the marriage ended 17 years later, he was the only person I had regular contact with. He abused me emotionally and I had no one to turn to and it almost drove me mad. When I finally woke up and realized what was happening, I divorced him. I have been married to a wonderful man for 10 years and he would never ask me to not have friends, in fact, he encourages me to see more and more people. Your husband needs to realize that you can have friends, love him, and not cheat. It's insecurity on his part, I'm sure, but don't let him dominate you like that. It can only do you harm.

Answer 5

Hello, and I am very sorry for what you are going through.

I went through this for 9yrs, and it will do nothing but cause
problems in your marriage. You may grown to resent your husband and you don't want that.

You need to get out and have friends, it is healthy for you
and him to have friends. Explain to him how your feeling
and tell him you are not doing this to hurt him. And he is
more than welcome to come along, maybe do something
as a group.

It is not right that you are paying for the stupid mistake of the
ex. And I would make him aware that you are not her and
he needs to trust you as you him.

NO he is not right. But then again I think you already know it's
not right or you wouldn't be questioning this. He is your husband and friend, NOT your keeper.

I am engaged now to a wonderful man, that would never ask
me to change, and his first wife cheated on him. He would
never ask me to pay for her sins. We have been together 10yrs.
But I know and thank God that I found him. I'm very lucky, and would never have believed it possible after the years of abuse I
went through with my first marriage.

I do wish you the best.

Answer 6

absolutely not! this is definitely abuse! my best advice to you is if you truly love him get help now before this goes any further. i have been there and have seen many friends and family go there also. if you do not take the first step it will only get worse. it sounds like he has been hurt and abused himself and it is a vicious cycle. not to mention you sound like you have been abused too giving you low self esteem and a need to hold on to a bad thing for fear of being alone or rejected. i am not a professional i only speak from experience. please get help for you both before it gets out of control. do you have children? if so, even more reason to reach out. would you accept it if your daughter or sister or even best friend came to you with this question? try to think of the advice that you would give them and go with it. but make sure you follow through. remember to come at him easy, if he is controlling, he might take it as a threat. just be careful and good luck no matter what you decide.

Answer 7

No, it is not all right to be with someone who is that jealous. We all need time alone and time with friends. That helps round us out as individuals, and helps prepare us for life. His need to control you is not natural, nor is the fact that he gets 'really mad' at you. This is mental abuse and could easily lead to physical abuse. You need marriage counseling, though I doubt your husband will agree. Instead, seek help from a family counselor, cleric or a trusted older family member. Check in your community for assistance that is free or at a nominal charge. Battered women's shelters can also provide some good information. Your question is good, and shows that you do understand that there is a problem. Take the next step and find someone who can help you, and do it SOON. You need someone to give you the support and guidance necessary to help you deal with this problem. These situations rarely improve with time, and in fact, usually get much worse. Please get some help as soon as possible.

Answer 8

Funny that you strart off with saying what a great guy your husband is and then everything you write after that says otherwise. He's controlling and manipulative and maybe that makes him a great guy where you're from.

Of course he's not right and you know it. No man who really loved you would make you choose between your best friend and him.

What is it in so many women that love seems to make them blind to this type of controlling behavior? Do you really think you don't deserve to have friends? For the love of heaven stand up for yourself.

Answer 9

What he's doing is a form of pscyhological abuse. He is controlling you and cutting you off from all outside communication...friends AND family. And he gets mad when you talk to him about your feelings of isolation??? BAD SIGNS.

Does he allow you to have a job (as in, did you quit because he demanded it or because you wanted to?) or are you stuck at home with nothing to do all day except take care of him & his house?

Does he go through your mail, emails, journals, computer history?

It needs to stop NOW. If he won't bend, seek counseling. If he won't participate or gets angry about you doing so on your own, then you need to decide if you want to live the rest of your life in total isolation or be free from such domination. Because that's exactly what he's doing, and you're letting him do it. You need to take a stand and understand that what he's doing is WRONG. It is ABUSE.

Answer 10

NO! It's not ok that your husband doesn't want you to have friends. You are in an abusive relationship, and you need to get out. A husband or boyfriend should be supportive and trusting of you in anything you do. If you continue this way, you will become depressed and he will become more and more abusive, starting with verbal abuse and eventually escalating to physical abuse. You are a strong well liked person, and you deserve someone that will treat you with respect and trust. I came out of a similar situation, and it took me 2 years to get my life back to what it was. Compromise is a good thing in a relationship, but only if it works both ways.