Mature Advice Pls: Feeling very down about relationship?

Question

Seems my fiance can't be happy. I know he had a BAD childhood.
He is very insecure and irresponsible when it comes to paying bills on time, budgeting, time with kids, etc.
I use to be a very freespirited, open, inspired person but now I am very depressed and have been for a while, can it be b/c of him?
I feel inspired when I hear certain songs or meet certain people who are not as insecure and are free, it also makes me feel like I've lost myself.
At times, I feel close to him but other times I don't.
I called just now to ask about the kids and how they are doing, ate breakfast, etc. He was very bland about it and said he feels wierd vibes from me and that I didn't ask how he was doing. I said that will happen sometimes, I'm not perfect andwill ask about the kids and not him at times, doesn't mean I don't love him.
Something's always wrong. And I feel very,very trapped and edgy.
My dreams seem distant, and when I tell him how he doesnt seem happy, I cant help but get frustrated, advice

I have tried to get him help but he never sticks with anything.
His aura is very stiff and judgemental.
I'm tired of it.
I feel I want someone with spirit and laughter, he makes me feel as if that is only a fairytale, is that a fairytale? I know it can't be perfect, trust me.

Been together for four years.
Have been there for him thorughout his visitation case with his other children and he just doesn't seem to appreciate and value people the way family does.
Maybe b/c he never had it?

he also says, "I do value what ppl do for me but I just don't show it."
What is the purpose of life then?!

Let me add, he has nothing. If we ended this relationship, as we have tried before, he says he has nowhere to go and that he will need time to get on his feet. he also watches my girls during the day, we cannot afford a babysitter.
I am STUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

I'm sorry to hear about your unhappiness, and I think it's good that you are asking these questions. Sometimes, when we first fall in love, we imagine our lives for a while. When something reveals itself to us, we imagine it away by either noticing good things or covering the bad things with rationalizations.

It's sad that your fiancée is from a bad childhood. While there are many adults who have overcome disappointments in life, there are many who can't, won't, or just never will. Even well-adjusted adults can carry hurts and disappointments with them into relationships. It's important that you look very carefully at your relationship and see how your fiancée’s disappointments may be affecting you.

It seems that over time you have begun to notice how his behavior is affecting you. You are feeling depressed and edgy. You find yourself reminding him not to overreact when you ask about the children first. Perhaps you should remind yourself that there isn't anything wrong with asking about the children first. It wasn't that you were being imperfect. You were making conversation.

Understandably, a relationship of four years may be very comfortable in spite of hardship. You have been close for a long time. However, you are noticing some problems with the way you relate. Perhaps there is good reason for you to feel trapped and edgy. Maybe this relationship just doesn't fit for you right now.

I'm not suggesting you throw everything away, but now might be a good time to seek some counseling for yourself. Can you follow your dreams in the context of this relationship? Or have you reached a fork in the road? Has the relationship caused you to doubt yourself and your own value as a person? Would you benefit from some time away? Maybe this relationship can't go any further.

You seem to be honestly assessing your hopes, dreams, and goals, and whether they work for you in this relationship. Continue to look at this honestly as you seek direction for your life right now. It is easy when things become confused to "imagine" our lives are as we wish they were. Instead, stand back and examine your reality. Only you can decide if this relationship still works for you.

I will be thinking of you.
__________________________

I see that you feel "stuck" -- with your own children and a fiancée that may encourage you to believe you have no options. I really think that finding a counselor that will work with you to help you make a "plan", whether to stay or to leave, would be of tremendous benefit to you. A good counselor will help you put things in perspective and will also help you find resources that you may not know are available.

In the meantime, try visiting your local social services agency. They have access to lists of resources for parents in need of childcare or legal assistance.

Answer 2

The problem is not him, is YOU. You want something else that he is not giving you and your are not satisfied in the relationship, You are dissapointed on him because you have all of this expectations for your life partner and he is not fulfilling your stantdards.
You are wondering about someting else is is clear that he is not him. It seems like you feel as if your are being taken for granted, bus this is how you feel. If he is getting bad vibes from you is because you are unhappy and the guy doesn't know why or how to fix it.
The problem here is that you stop communicating.... men are not mind readers. If you don;t tell him what is bothering you then he cannot do nothing about it. It will do you both some good to go to a couple's therapy because normally a mediated conversation will allow you to express hidden emotions, grudges and feelings that you would normally don't tell your partner.
Ussualy, when you hold a grudge for something, it grows and grows, then the other person keeps on going like nothing happens because they don;t know! then you become irritated and distant.....
Communicate, there is a underlying problem (the real issue) that you are not tellimg him and you are just venting over everything else and becoming frustrated about everything rathen than addressing the real issue.
Good luck

Answer 3

If there is no spark there, you need to let him go so he can find someone that will treat and adore him the way in which he deserves. It would be selfish and unfair to keep him in your life when you are already fantasizing about other people/your ex after only three weeks of being in a relationship. My advice it to spend some time alone with no obligations or commitments to anyone else, until you find out what it really is you want. You need to give yourself a break, and time to get over your last relationship. If you have any respect for this "good guy" at all, you would tell him that it just wasn't meant to be, before he becomes to attached and you break his heart. Hopefully you can still remain friends... good luck.

Answer 4

You must have seen something in him when you met. I don't know if your married or not but you have children with him. He could be wondering the same thing about you. A healthy relationship is not easy. You have to work at it constantly. Everyone at sometime or the other wonders if they made the right choices. You have children so that will automatically take away from yourself for the next 18 years anyway. It does get better though. You have to communicate with each other. Both ways. Go to the doctor and get an antidepressant, it will help until you can deal better.

Answer 5

He is making you feel depressed and it's understandably why. He doesn't pay bills, can't manage money, doesn't spend time with the kids, has no motivation to stick with anything and whines because you didn't ask how he was doing. This is not all about him and many people in this world had bad childhoods and did not let that stop them from really making something of themselves.
It's good he picked up vibes from you this morning. If he was a smart man, he would realize you're getting tired of doing it all and it's affecting you and if he doesn't straighten up he's going to loose you.

Answer 6

It sounds like you have given yourself your own answer you just need to take the leap and do it. Your not happy, this person is constanlty bringing making you feel bad. Changing your personality. Is that really how you want to live the rest of your life?? It sounds like NO. So I believe you need to make arraignements and move on. Good luck I know it's not easy but you will feel better in the long run and start to feel like your old self again.

Answer 7

maybe you all should take a little break from each other and see if that would help. some times you really don't know what you got till its gone! being away from each other might make you realize you love that person and don't want to be with out them. maybe you need a chance to "miss" eachother. our take sometime for yourself without kids, sometimes we get bored and depressed with the same routine and need a little excitment away from realization. go on a date somewhere you both have never been or just get out of the house.

Answer 8

This advice you don't really want to read, but in being fair from what I've just given up 31 yrs of my life for, has to be said. He sounds like an exact clone of my ex, and I felt sorry for him after finding out about his long, difficult childhood, and it still didn't work out after giving my all. Get out, it won't be easy, but if you really want a life for yourself with any type of happiness, he can't be in it. He'll try and tell you things will change, but that will happen until he puts you back in the same state of mind, so don't listen. You deserve a real life.

Answer 9

I think he might be bringing you down. So people with low self esteem problems pick at everything to get someone to baby them. What you might have to do is split the time and make sure you have time to reassure him that you love him and want the best for him. If that means getting help or just some alone time with you at night might fix the problem.

Answer 10

I am "clinically Depressed [chemical imbalance]" and my wife of 34 years has just adapted to it. She loves me too much to leave me, but I often wonder why. I'm moody, can't keep a job for more than 3-6 months [no matter how much I think I try].

Point is; you want to spend your life unhappy all the time? I don't think so! If you want, and you know best, RUN, RUN FAST; OR BE IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU REGRET FROM NOW ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!