How can I save my marriage?

Question

My wife and I have been married for two months, but we have been living together for over five years. Two weeks prior to the wedding we were on the verge of calling it off but decided to go through with it after the assurance that we would get into counseling immediately. To make a long story short, our relationship has consisted of many ups and downs from finances, mistrust, physical and verbal abuse. She recently told me that she has no desire anymore because I can't change for good. She says she loves me but she doesn't have it in her anymore to trust me or believe in me because everytime I change, it's short lived. I am taking different steps this time around, even prior to finding this out. I told her when we got married I let go of alot of things that caused so much pain and distance between us. I got into counseling, got put on meds for anxiety and depression, going back to church. We're living together but in seperate bedrooms. She just says it doesnt feel natural.

At this point she has said she will go to counseling but did not say it would be together. She says this isn't about putting up a protective barrier but moreso she just can't believe in me because nothing has ever been permanent. However, she also says that she isn't in control of this and she isn't ready to finalize anything. We hug each other and we say I love you, we talk about our days but alot of this just went down a week ago so it's still in it's transitional phase. I'm adjusting to it, but I am scared of losing her. We have a daughter together and she too has been affected by this relationship. It's almost as if she doesn't see that there is anything to work towards. Yet she is still telling me that nothing is set in stone. We have a house together. Is she just waiting for the right time to tell me it's over or is she just seeing what I will when the only choice I have is to change for myself and not for her?

Answer 1

If you have a flat tire on your car, you don't say, "I want to get rid of it." No, you fix the tire or have it fixed. Don't say anything about ending your relationship. Fix it.

If you are getting stale on your sex life, take time to be together, talk to each other. Reminisce about your young love. Go on a vacation. Maybe it will be just an overnight stay at a motel, but don't let your work bog you down. Companionship is important for a healthy marriage.

Start to save your marriage NOW. Don't look back and pick up the negative. Forget the sour times; don't remind the spouse of past faults.

Begin today to add sweetness in your married life. Be positive.

Why do you fight? All couples have disagreements. Talk over the difference and you will discover the argument was minor. Learn to be silent when you differ.

Don't let your grievances linger; get it over with. Don't have a fight before other people or your children. Never hit your mate. Be honest and understanding.

Jealousy has lead many a couple to the divorce court.

Show your companion respect and affection. As one person said, "Be sure it is your wife/husband you're in love with, not yourself." So many married couples love themselves more than they love their partner.

Every day say to her or him, "I love you." And put meaning from the heart into those words.

Hope this helps~

Answer 2

I must say that your predicament is a sticky situation. I have a lot of repect for you because you are trying to make this marriage work and aren't willing to throw a good thing away no matter how terriable life may seem now. It seems to me that you're doing all the right things. Getting meds for your depression and cleaning up your act is one of the best things you could do to turn your life around. However, you didn't mention ever talking to your wife about all of this posative change. Communication is key wheather it's screaming at the top of your lungs at each other, complaining about how work is hell, or whispering I love you. A lot of your trust issues can be connected to not enough communication. Another thing you need to remmeber is that this marriage can't work if you both don't want to participate. If your wife doesn't want this marriage anymore there isn't much you can do to persuade her. But keep trying and do something that will show her this marriage is worth saving. The best advice I could give you is to talk to her about all this and tell her what you're feeling, and also keep going to church and trust in god. Prayer is a powerful thing and it's seen people through many dark situations. I hope all this was helpful to you and I hope that you can make this marriage work because you seem to really love this woman.

Answer 3

I've heard if you can make it through the first five years you'll make it - I kinda' think that's true. Why are you taking all the blame! It takes two, has she went to counseling! Does she attend church with you! Maybe you shouldn't try changing at all - yes adjust and compromise ALWAYS never be abusive or untrusting but don't change, she fell in love with you before you changed now who is she falling in love with! The meds. will change you also! Maybe you should trust in a higher power and ask for guidance from that source and try to be happy with what you have and work with what you have instead of adding more stress of not being happy with those things and wanting more, you both have each other and are both still there, there is still hope. Maybe she is going through things you don't know about and just needs time to adjust as well. If it is ment to be it will be if not you have to be happy with the time you had and move on - try not to push things into happening you might push her farther away just let them happen on their own. Relax knowing you will be fine with or without her. Sounds also like there is a lot of hurt and she won't be able to go on in the marriage if she doesn't forgive and give you a chance to prove that you can change the things that are pushing her away. What about for better or for worse, sickness and in health and unconditional love if it isn't there why would you want to continue anyway! What if something worse then this were to happen later in life is she not going to be supportive and stand by you!

Answer 4

I suggest that every person that is in a relationship and thinking about spending the rest of your life together needs to read the book Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The problem we have is that men want women to respond like they do and women of course think different. We have made it to easy for people to give up on their marriages. Love should not be a up hill climb. Instead it should be a exciting wonderful journey. No one really makes a honest commitment anymore, they go into marriage with the hopes that it works out, or with the attitude on how long it will last. The problem we have is that we believe that when you are married you both become one, wrong idea to have. We should say that we have become partners in our lives, two separate people contributing separate things to the marriage. Please read the book I told you and talk together about what you each got from it. We hold on to garbage in our lives (issues that have never been really resolved) throw them out. My friend had the same problem so I made up two boxes, one marked issues and the other one mark resolved issues, those were thrown out never to be brought up again. If they were then it would cost that person to pay up a certain amount. The money was kept in a beautiful box which would be spent on a wonderful trip together. Work on this and good luck.

Answer 5

Unfortunately, your marriage is over. You have nothing if you don't have trust. You have nothing if the two of you cannot dedicate yourselves to making things right. Really, it was over 2 weeks before you got married and it seems like you both really wanted to save face and used counselling as a "valid excuse".

However, you say that you are attending church now so why not give this situation over to the Lord. He will answer your prayers. And just because He doesn't answer by saying yes, it doesn't mean he hasn't answered. Chances are He may say no and you may have to move on.

I hope you find what God has in store for you.

Answer 6

Five years she has been waiting for signs of a permanent change. Sure it isnt easy but look at the effect it has had upon her. Really she has been your greatest support. She has realised that the small changes that occur are simply the honeymoon phase of the relationship and eventually old habits return. You need long term therapy and she needs out let her have it . There is no telling the future you may or may not reconcile. It could be that she has eventually summed up the courage to realise that you are not going to change. Some of these behaviours you have mentioned are extreme ie mistrust, physical and verbal abuse. That is not a healthy environment. When you seek the therapy you owe it to your future happiness to make it a life time committment otherwise you are never going to be happy. Close the issues of the past as they are affecting your future. If you havent been able to give your wife anything over the years then be a man and give her her freedom.

Answer 7

There is alot of commitment needed. You cannot change for just a brief time. She probably does love you, but sounds like you have put her through hell. Have you abused her physically? If so she needs to get completely away from you. I say both of you need to get into counseling, or you midas well pack up and get out. sleeping in differant bedrooms means distance. Too much distance means divorce. It does take two people to make a marriage or relationship to work, and one person trying is not going to save what you are trying to save. Get into counseling quick.(both of you) If she doesn't want to do that then she does not really want to save your marriage either. TRUST CAN BE REBUILT, BUT IT TAKES TIME, LOTS OF TIME AND NOT OVERNIGHT.
It does sound like you want it to work or you wouldn't be asking for advice here. Do not let her lead you on like a puppet on a string, SHE HAS TO WANT THIS TO WORK ALSO, IN ORDER FOR IT TO WORK. If she isn't willing then call this quits and find a new life with someone that does want to make it work. (After divorce)

Answer 8

You say that you have changed, but often its not the way she wants yo to change. Have a long chat with her where both of you can tell each other what you would like to change about each other. Take this from a girl who has been there, most of the time you feel that you have changed, but she says that you have not, the thing is you change something about yourself and you think now its changed, but meantime that is not the thing she wanted you to change. or you change and then two weeks later you are up to no good again. do not get me wrong, I'm not saying your the only one who needs to change, possibly she is also the one who should be adapting to everything that's going on. what i would suggest is you guys should maybe go for couples counseling. see how that turns out. or come to a mutual agreement that both of you will change to a certain extent so you guys can relate better.

Answer 9

this is really something your gonna need to take a complete day and think about...if you love her and want to be with her you no the things you NEED to change first find out if she is truly willing to be open minded and start over you have to make her trust you most people dont think its possible to make somone trust you but it honestly is when you leave let her know b4 she asks where your go in..call when u get there tell her you love her as many times a day as you can ..if you love this woman dont give up love and marriage are always worth a try..you have already been together so long and I'm sure u've been thru every up and down there is to go thru but just from reading your question i get the feeling you really love her i wish you the best of luck "WHATS MEANT TO BE WILL BE" plz alwz keep in my women come to a point in life and a relationship when they get fed-up and need change and stability not only financial but emotional for the sake of your marrage i hope its not to late if she is still willing to listen and talk then u have a fighting chance...another good thing is although you sleep in seperate beds she is still there neither one of u want out good luck

Answer 10

I have been feeling about my husband the same as your wife seems to be about you, but for different reasons. Anyway, for me it is partly a protective barrier - self preservation - and I don't have much left to give. She may be trying to get some distance to gain perspective and think clearly before making a life-altering decision - it is understandable that she wants to look at all angles so there are no "what ifs" or other regrets. Yes, it is hard to go back to square one and try to pick up the pieces all over again, and again... I give you credit for trying, but you cannot expect her to continue trying and starting over. Be patient. Trust takes a long time to earn back if it even can be. As for counseling, it sounds like a good idea for you both to go separately to work out your invidual issues so you are not bringing them into the relationship when you go to counseling together or work things out. And yes, if you are not sure where the relationship is heading it may be better to sleep in separate bedrooms - it is difficult to be intimate when so unsure. Best wishes.