I recently meet my father who I had not seen in 13 years. My mom is mad at me for talking to him?

Question

She says that he abandonded me when I was little and thats it. But my dad says that she stole me. I don't know who to believe. I can remember being a little kid crying in a conner for him to come get me and getting in trouble because I cried for him. Who do I believe and how do I approach them both about this.

well that is just the thing i think i believe him cause my mom was there but she never protected me. I was abused by one of her boy friends for year and she knew it. I hate being stuck in the middle. I really just don't know anymore. I am a byepolar person and this has really taken a toll on my stability and since i have seen my father I want to be around him cause i feel safe with him but i am married and live in indiana and my husband wont move so I just don't know what to do anymore.

Answer 1

I totally feel for you on this. However, I think you should focus on the present and future instead of dwelling in the past. Is it more important for you to know what happened when you were so young or is it more important building a strong relationship with the father you haven't seen and probably barely know. YOU had nothing to do with why your parents split. So, tell both your mother and father that you don't need dragged into their arguments. As for your mother being mad at you....tell her to grow up. There is a person out there that has given you 50% genetics and it's time for you to learn who he is and what characteristics you two share. Their drama isn't yours and it shouldn't be afflicted on you. I highly doubt having a sit down with the both of them and demanding the truth about what happened would go over easily...especially if your mother is mad at you for being in contact with your father. She apparently still carries alot of emotional baggage when it comes to your father. I'd let it go.

Answer 2

Wow! I am so happy for you. Seeing your dad must have helped to ease the terrible ache you have had for 13 years.


I imagine your mother might feel the way an adoptive mother does when her child goes in seach of his/her biological mother.

I imagine your father must feel terrible guilt for not traing to find you/see you for the last thirteen years.

That said, I think you have to accept that you will never know the truth from either parent. Not because they are dishonest, but as a psychological defense mechanism. What they went through 13 years ago must have been emotionally chaotic, hurtful and damaging. In order to cope, most people have to make themselves the victim and the other the villain. And then, they re-tell their events to suit the roles. Eventually, they believe their own story rather than whatever actually took place.

And you, in the end, got to be the victim of how they punished each other. But your parents don't see you as the victim, they probably see you as the judge.

So, what can you do?

You can refuse to play along.

And, you can demand answers to your questions, but not questions that have anything to do with he said/ she said. Questions that have to do with your feelings of betrayal and/or abandonment.

You can ask your mother why she didn't make sure you got to see your father. Did she look for him? Did she seek the child support she was/is entitled to?

You can ask your father why he stayed away for so long? Did he try to find you? Did he seek legal recourse? Did he pay child support? Why is he coming back now? Does he want a real relationship? Or just forgiveness? Has he thought about what you might want from this new contact now?

I am getting upset as I type this to you. My own marriage is in trouble and divorce is a highly probably. We have two small children and when we break up will live on different continents. I know that as a single parent my life will be tough, and I don't imagine divorce will give my husband any boost in emotional intelligence. Still, I hope we won't put our kids through what your parents are putthing you through.

Good luck, good luck, good luck.

Answer 3

Talk to your mom about how you feel when you're with your dad. Tell her that you want to leave the past in the past and focus on the now. Your dad wants to be in your life and obviously you want him to be in your life.The sad thing is that you may never find out what happened when you were little, if your dad left or if your mom stole you. But you and your parents should focus on the now, whatever happened all those years ago should just be left alone.Dwelling on the past only hurts people, afterall.

Answer 4

You're stuck in the middle. In this case, it's best not to talk about the other parent when you're with each one. Don't lie, if you don't have to, just don't bring anything up about the other. Try to keep your relationships with them separate. Otherwise, they're going to start fighting over you again and try to pull you apart.
As far as your mother stealing you, did you have any other relatives? Ask them what happened. If you don't have any other relatives, why not?
It's up to you to decide how to go on with your life. Your parents no longer make those decision for your, only you do. Look in your heart for the right answer to this problem.

Answer 5

Remember that they both love you - but they're acting selfishly. You have a right to know both of them and you wish to know both of them. They need to put the past behind them for your sake - you could ask a grandparent to have a word with them. Your mum, who you should remember was always there for you, is probably worried about his hurting you again - presuming, that is, she is telling the truth. I think for now you should concentrate on explaining to both that you don't wish to hear about the past any more - that's between them - you wish to work towards having a relationship now with your father, but explain too to your mother how much you love her and know she's just trying to protect you. Sorry, this is all a bit jumbled - anyway, good luck.

Answer 6

Sad as it may be, it's going to be hard to figure out which one is telling the truth. Maybe if you talked to some of your family members, such as grandparents, aunts and uncles, and they will be able to help fill in the pieces of what happened. Or you can try to get them both to put aside whatever differences they might have and sit down with you and tell the truth about what happened. One of them needs to face up to facts, and only the one who's been lying to you all this time can do that.

Good luck with this

Answer 7

I really feel for you. You are the innocent victim of hostilities between your mother and father. What is tragic is that even after all these years, the two adults that should have grown up haven't. I just hope that the two people in question see your post and recognize themselves and are ashamed for causing you so much pain.

Answer 8

Wow, what place to be in! 1st off I do believe you have every right to know your father, 2nd your mom had her reasons for keeping you from him. You may think you know everything, but you don't. Your best bet is to "CALMLY" talk to your mom about what you remember and how you feel now. If that doesn't work, there are many places you can go for help. Good luck! and Best wishes!

Answer 9

Get a duplicate of your beginning certificates. in case you recognize what county you have been born in, they might have a duplicate. pay attention nonetheless, you're mom may be telling the fact and he does not opt to confirm you. you're mom will possibly not understand the place he's. yet once you're pc literate you will discover him from the archives on the certificates. even nonetheless you're entitled to baby help the two way.

Answer 10

wow, so many diverse answers, I can agree with some of the answers partly but not with all the answers wholely of couse they are all just the opinions of other people, and here is my own. When I was younger my situation was a little different then yours however my mother allowed me to "visit" my father during the summer, however one summer it suddenly my visits were cut short by 2 and a half months! The visits went from the whole summer to 2 weeks! why? To this day I still have no answer. It was like she hated him for loving me or something and the thought of how I felt never came across her mind. Seeing him for only two weeks then snatched away and torn down to a simple week was hell for me and unfair! of course it doesn't compare to not seeing him for 13 years of not knowing him at all but when your 10,11, or 12 years old it sure felt like it. Through the years I started to hate my mother for stealing my life with me father.. I mean I HATED that women! All I could think about was how I wanted nothing to do with her and how she stole my life and so forth. It was my father that encouraged me to find forgiveness. Personally, I wasn't having it! when I confrounted her about why she wouldn't allow me to stay with him she told me ALL sorts of things!! things that shouldn't have been told to me! things that certainly would damage anyone name! and when I asked my father he just looked at me and asked if I loved him and my reply was yes and he left it at that. So in that answer and reply he tought me something and I hope this helps you...

Does it matter who is right or wrong? The problem is not who do you believe to be correct the problem is where you you stand now. My Mother was also VERY upset with me when I chose to move where my father was so I could be with him ( in my eyes I wanted to make up lost time with him) and she hated it and tried to makem e feel guilty for "leaving her" but I was older then and to be honest there wasn't much she could have done about it! I think VERY highly of my father WHY because I put my mother aside and found out about the man I didn't get the change to grow up with, what he was like, what he was about, what he liked or disliked. when I finally got the chance to be with him he was remarried had other children, all that was taken from me when I was younger. my point here sweety is YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW YOUR FATHER reguardless of what your mother has to say! the truth is in the heart of one of them, but the thing is what truth is in your heart? If the case turns out to be he left people make mistakes and if it turns out she took you out of his life SHE made the mistake and dear heart ONE of them will have to answer to GOD. period!

You are married now which means you are an adult which means you have the right to love BOTh your parents and if the other don't like it tell them TOUGH! get over it and if they can't handle it you still pardon them forgive them and keep on living! either they will get right or stay upset and that will show you who is really wrong!

So I say love them both even if one don't like it!
besides they should be ashamed for even making you feel this way!