While I am not upset about the emailing, I am very upset about her ability to lie about it when asked. The emails were not "bad" or romantic in any way. It is the lie and the ease of doing it that hurts. Should I still marry her?
2006-07-05 19:01:40 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
It is good to know that the communication with an old friend is not the issue, that puts you a step above most your age. Lying is a combination of many things, one of them being the most obvious; deceit. The 2nd most common is fear. Given the assumption that she is not a habitual liar, then is it possible that the relationship you have is a secure as you believe it to be? Could she be in a place that is second guessing the decision to marry?
In a secure and trusting relationship, a lie of this nature usually boils down to feelings of uncertainty. If she is in a position where she feels trapped (fear) she will lie about this in order to protect herself from being alone, without someone, someplace to call home, or possible out in the cold. Only you can answer that one.
Equally, maybe she is afaid of how you would have reacted, not knowing you as well as she should. Maybe the two of you are not ready to marry.
Bottom line is that IF she felt she had to lie to you about this, it probably will be because of BOTH OF YOU IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Not just her, or just you but both of you. She lied because she is not sure of your reaction ( dosen't know you as well as she should), or she lied because she is not sure she is ready to marry (to young, not sure of what love really is) or she is afraid of what may happen to her if you and her broke up. This last one is really heavy. Are you living together and if so does she have her own "stuff", money, life? If not, then I would strongly suggest that the two of you calmly and rationally discuss your relationship.
You are right, the ease of lying would trouble me as well, but more important: IS WHY SHE LIED.. This is where the problems in the relationship come in. That is not to say they are not fixable, but frankly it is hard to fix something when you don't know that it's broke.
2006-07-05 19:16:57 · answer #1 · answered by jv1104 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You two need to do a lot more talking about it.
If you mean what you say that you are not upset, she needs to know that. However, you are not a doormat for anyone.
She has now made you distrust her and you will continue to wonder if she is being honest whenever she opens her mouth. That's going to be tough to deal with.
ANYTHING can be worked on as long as both parties are working to achieve the same goal... In this case, honesty & trust. Major, major necessity in a marriage.
If either one is not willing to do the work to develop trust, I don't think there will be much of a peaceful union or a very long one, sorry.
Again, anything can be worked out but it does take a lot of consistant, to the core, honesty, acceptance of each other and understanding that you may not understand but are willing to love unconditionally.
NO ONE should be a doormat for anyone.
If she wants this contact, maybe she's not ready for marriage. She may just be scared. Either way, she needs to get honest, if not with you, at least with herself.
2006-07-05 19:16:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm, I think you should talk to her in depth about it before you do anything drastic like cancel the wedding. She may have lied so you wouldnt feel threatened or get jealous, not to intentionally hide things or hurt you. That still doesnt make it right, though. Just remember that at least they were platonic emails, so there is nothing going on between them except an old friendship at most. I say if you think this woman is the love of your life, dont let that be the thing to stop you from marrying her, give her as chance, talk to her, tell her what you want to happen.
2006-07-05 19:06:16 · answer #3 · answered by Miss Interpreted 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does it matter whether she was mailed her ex or not? For all you, she could as well be getting it down with some other man right? If you're having second thoughts of marrying someone, don't marry. First take the time to sort out whether you WANT to marry her or not. No one else can answer this for you really.
2006-07-05 19:07:33 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you are too jealous. She should be able to email an ex boyfriend. You should be able to email an ex girlfriend. As long as two people are not married they should be able to live independently and make their own decisions about who they talk to. Couples should be able to talk to other people. This is the whole purpose of the dating process. It's not right to tie a ball a chain to someone who is still single.
2006-07-05 19:10:35 · answer #5 · answered by Busy Lady 2010 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Donot plunge into marriage without getting to the root of the cause. She sure needs to give you a convincing explaination for her act. There has to be more than just friendship between her and her ex to have continued with mails. Once a liar, always a liar...so beware. However, if you do marry her WITHOUT getting the facts, you are in trouble my friend.
2006-07-05 19:07:22 · answer #6 · answered by CURIOUS 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes otherwise honest people lie to ease someone's feelings or insecurities. What concerns me is how you know so much about her emailings. Get a life, stop snooping and respect ones privacy.
2006-07-05 19:08:21 · answer #7 · answered by Cdn_Superdave 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sit down and talk that **** out.. My boyfriend lied to me just today for the first time..It hurt like hell cause i tell this ***** the truth all the time...I still love him & I know you love her too.. I know it also brings questions into your mind about what else she's lied about..If she does it now,will she do it later? Open communication is a must!!! It won't work if you don't have it...Try..Marry her..Everybody makes mistakes.Maybe she was scared to tell you yes..One thing you don't do...Don't forget it..Some small lies develop into bigger ones..Keep it in mind. Congratulations on the wedding..
2006-07-05 19:14:27 · answer #8 · answered by blueboyswoman 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, still marry her. You love her and she loves you. Even though you can't see it right now, she didn't tell you because she didn't want you to worry or think anything was up. I've been in this same situation, and it's been really hard to trust him like I used to. Every time I start to question him, I tell myself, "You forgave him and he said he wouldn't do it again" and then I go about my business. She hasn't given you reason besides this to not trust her. Trust your fiance. She loves you, and was only trying to do what she thought was best, even though it was wrong. Talk with her about this, and let her know your concerns. If you aren't comfortable with her contacting him, tell her this. If she keeps doing it, THEN you have reason for concern. Good Luck!
2006-07-05 19:13:22 · answer #9 · answered by iheartjohnprose 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Was she still a virgin when you married her? If the answer is no, she will never forget her ex man, if yes-let her chat and lie as much as she wants, nothing dangerous. Lying is characteristic for women.
2006-07-05 19:08:31 · answer #10 · answered by Arturo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋