what's the best joke you got?

Answer 1

what is it called when a person masterbates in a car. a car jacking

Answer 2

It's too dirty to print here, but I will give you my best clean joke.

Two naked statues, a man and a woman, are in a park, facing each other across a fountain. They've been there in those same positions for over 50 years. Suddenly, an angel appears and says to them "For being so steadfast and uncomplaining for 50 years, you will become totally human and alive for 15 minutes to do whatever is your deepest desire.

Poof! They're human! They look at each other, grab hands and run into some bushes. The sound of giggling and laughter is heard for 7 minutes. They emerge from the bushes.

The angel looks at them with a puzzled look on his face. He says "You still have 8 minutes left, would you like to do that again?"

The female statue looks at the male statue and replies "Why yes, but this time, YOU hold the pigeon!"

Answer 3

ok this is the best I've got if this doesnt make ya laugh nothing will



Fred Dingaling

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster
than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day
he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a
warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him
that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks
he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me
Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born
Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease
me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got
good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a
doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship,
residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back
to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through
school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got
bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my
assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with
VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so
I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the
ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD
leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

"Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer let him go without even a warning.

Answer 4

A man is staying in this town on a business trip. After his meetings, he goes back to his hotel and he's not ready to go to bed but doesn't know what to do. He looks out the window and sees a bar across the street.

He goes down to the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. He starts looking around the place, and sees a huge horse sitting in the corner with a big bucket of money in front of him. The man asks the bartender what the deal with the horse is.

The bartender says: "You put a dollar in the horse's pot, and if you can make him laugh, you win the whole pot." The man has a few more beers, then goes over to the horse. He puts a dollar in the pot, leans over and whispers something in the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is doubled over laughing hysterically. The man picks up the bucket of money and leaves.

A few months later, the man is back in the same town again, and visits the same bar after his business meetings. He notices that the horse is in his corner again. He says to the bartender, "Hey, I made that horse laugh last time I was here, why is he still there?"

The bartender replies that this time "you have to make him cry." So the man walks over, puts a dollar in the pot, and within seconds the horse is bawling.

As the man turns to leave with his money, the bartender stops him. "Wait a minute," he says. "I just have to know, how did you make him laugh and cry?"

The man says "to make him laugh, I told him that my penis was bigger than his. To make him cry, I showed him."

Answer 5

heres one

if you call an amazing waiter a master waiter

then what do you call an amazing baiter?


or heres a great one:

A man and his wife are driving at 20 miles an hour down the road

the wife leans over and says"i want a divorce"
the man speeds up to 30
"ive been seeing your best friend for the last 5 years now"
the man speeds up to 40
"i want the house, the kids, the dog, and the car"
he is now doing 60
"your a horrible lover and i cant believe i married you" she continues to say]
the man, now driving 90 miles an hour turns sharply onto the interstate where she says "is there anything that you want" to which he replies "no" she asks why not and, right before they hit the median" i have the airbag!"

Answer 6

The Parrot Boy

An old man is sitting on a bench in central park when a teenager with a rainbow hair-dyed mohawk spiked up like a punk rocker and a nose ring sits down next to him.

The man begins to stare at him for a long time in shock.

Then the teenager says, "What you looking at old man?"

The man replys, "Nothing, nothing."

Again the man begins to stare at him for a long time and the teen says, "What's your problem, old man, you never did anything crazy when you were a kid?"

The old man replies, "Yeah, the thing is when I was a teen I got real, real drunk and f_u_c_k_e_d a parrot, and I was thinking that you might be my son."

Answer 7

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Answer 8

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
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Answer 9

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

Answer 10

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAYS "HELLO". HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM. SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?" TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS." NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY A**?" SHE SAID, "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."

Answer 11

There were two muffins baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other muffin and says, "Geez, it sure is hot in here!"
And the other muffin said, "Holy crap a talking muffin!"