Discipline for kids....?

Question

My husband will be bringing his 3 kids home for 2 weeks this summer. They are 14, 11 and 9. He doesn't get to see them often, so when he does, he lets them do anything they want. That includes talking to him hateful, being rude and being lazy (not making them clean up after themselves, etc.). I don't approve of this and don't want 3 unruly kids in my home for 2 weeks. How do I make him see that he HAS to provide some structure and discipline when he has them? (He thinks they "won't like him" if he makes them mind.)

Answer 1

Tell him to stop and think about something. He is their PARENT FIRST, and their FRIEND SECOND! If he does not set some rules, they will not respect him and might not even really like him that much... they will just use him for whatever they can get.

You are his wife and it is your home too. Before they come, sit down with him and set up some house rules - no being hateful or rude, clean up after yourself (like, at least take the dishes to the sink), they are to ask instead of telling you what they want, and give them each a simple chore to do. Decide what the consequenses will be if they don't follow the house rules or the rules will be pointless and they will laugh them off.

When the kids get there, have a family meeting, tell them the rules and consequences (maybe post them on the fridge), and don't let them whine, complain, or talk you out of consequenses. Remind them that if they participate in the work around the house, the two of you will have more time to take them places and/or do things with them.

If your husband will not agree to setting rules, tell him you are are taking a vacation for 2 weeks rather than hang around to be used as a maid/doormat, and then start making plans to do just that. If he wants to turn the house into a zoo for 2 weeks, let him be the sole zoo-keeper.

Answer 2

Explain to dad that as a parent, he needs to give his kids stability and discipline. Make sure you let him know that you love the kids and you would love to be with them if you can all have an enjoyable visit. Let him know that his kids will love and respect him more if he acts like a parent instead of a wimpy friend. He has absolutely no reason to feel guilty because he isn't with them all the time.Tell him he can be a loving, fun dad without letting all hell break lose. Plan some fun family outings and set some guidelines now before the kids get here and tell him you expect him to be consistent. Tell him if he is't willing to be a dad during this visit that you will be going on vacation for the two weeks the children are there.

Answer 3

I tell other kids that come over (cousins, school friends, etc.) that every family has different rules in their house, whenever I get some "at my house, I can do this or that", or "I'm allowed to use these words in front of my mom and dad", I kindly remind them that this is another house and make them clear how things work here. Now, since your're talking about your husband kids, it's a different issue, maybe your husband is affraid of setting limits in order to avoid conflicts, but let him know that this is not the best way to spend a quality nice time together. Maybe both of you could try talking to them the very minute they arrive and establish the basic "rules" they need to observe at your house. Maybe they won't like them at first, but they will sure adapt. Now about your husband, well, that's another issue, he needs to understand that being permisive is not equal to be nice, that no matter how often they see each other he's still their dad and wether they like him or not, they have to respect him. Good luck.

Answer 4

I would just stay out of it. You will survive two weeks. You cannot do anything about how these kids treat your husband, but you can redirect them when they are rude to you. For instance if they say "Shut up!" You should say, "it hurts my feeling when you say shut up, I would prefer it if you would ask me to be a little quieter." The formula is "I feel" this when "you do" this, I "would prefer" this instead. It's completely non-threatening and tells them exactly what you want them to do. If the kids leave their things about the house ask them to help you put away their toys for 5 minutes. Have the youngest set a time and be true to your word. When the timer rings, say thank you very much and let them be, even if everything isn't done. You can only lead by example. No matter what you cannot be rude to those kids, that will only continue their rudeness to you. I would suggest you visit the site www.flylady.net. The Flylady might help you feel better about the messes is your house for those two weeks. Good luck.

Answer 5

You can't make him do anything he won't choose to do himself so don't waste your time. But you both need to be on the same page on this.

Create an agreement: Suggest that if he won't you will and that he will not object. If he doesn't agree or comply let him know you've planned a 2 week vacation to start whenever you've had enough.

Kids need structure and any parent who wants to "be a friend" can't fill that role and is NOT acting in the kid's best interest. Set some rules and stick with them. The kids won't like it but tough - after all it is your house and your rules.

Answer 6

I work in the schools and I can tell you from years of experience with children that boundaries are security to them. Make the consequence appropriate to the issue. Disrespect is never ok!
His job is not to be their friend but their teacher, mentor, guide and most of all to love them. Think of it this way, if you have a valuable watch or other piece of jewelry you don't just leave it anywhere when you aren't wearing it, you keep it polished, put it away in a safe place, etc. but costume jewelry you drop on a table or counter and go on about your business, anyone can pick it up or use it. So, how much more important are our children, they are our treasures, not our trash. Boundaries are how we safe keep our children. Listen to what they listen to or watch and see if it's inappropriate or is it just something you don't personally care for. Then talk to them, don't yell. You have an uphill task because you don't really know what goes on at the other end but you are accountable for you not their other parent. If you deal fairly with them eventually they will trust you and come around.

Answer 7

IT HAS BEEN MY EXPERIENCE THAT CHILDREN WANT STRUCTURE AND DISCIPLINE .
I HAVE 3 STEP CHILDREN AND WHEN THEY COME TO VISIT I MAKE IT A GAME I MAKE A POSTER BOARD OF THE THINGS THEY MUST DO WHILE STAYING IN MY HOME LIKE MAKING THEIR BED
DOING THE DISHES CARING OUT THE TRASH AND I INCLUDE A SCAVENGER HUNT THINGS THEY CAN FIND IN SIDE THE HOUSE IF THEY LOOK AND SOMETHINGS THEY CAN FIND IF THEY WALK THE NEIGHBOR HOOD THE NIGHT BEFORE THEY LEAVE WE LOOK AT THE RESULTS AND THE WINNER GETS A NIGHT OUT WITH THEIR DAD OR SOME OTHER REWARD THAT WOULD MEAN SOMETHING SPECIAL TO EACH CHILD GOOD LUCK EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT

Answer 8

hes is theyre parent not theyre friend so who cares if they LIKE him. Have a family meeting and let them know that they are very smart and grown up enough to know wrong from right and let them know that if they do sumthin wrong they will get in trouble like a grown up would. And when you see them being good let them know how grown up they are being and how proud you are of them maybe even take them for ice cream or sumthin.My mom was the same way and we walked all over her cuz she let us. and thats not good. Dnt make the same mistake.

Answer 9

He needs to learn that letting children walk on you does not get their respect. Applying firm but fair supervision gets more respect than being a pushover. He will have many sad times in the future if He is unable to control them now. Remind him of that and also that You have a say in what they do because it is Your h House and He needs to insure they respect you. They do not have to like You but they do have to respect your being the other adult in the house. And that it is hour house as well as their dads.

Answer 10

A little bit of guidance and discipline now will be better than getting a call later saying they are in jail or in the hospital.