I wasn't going to do this, but I see others doing so:
I sat on Superior's autumn shore
and heard the waves come crashing;
felt them, rather, in my soul;
their ceaseless soothing splashing.
Long I sat and watched them dance
as evening joined me on that beach;
it seemed they knew a secret thing
that to me they would teach.
Each wave's song successively
seemed sweeter than the last;
was with regret I started home-
the time had gone too fast.
Today I strolled beside a lake,
and watched the bright leaves falling;
I felt the same sweet pull inside-
my walk I kept forestalling.
Each leaf it danced a dance unique,
twirled with its own soft grace;
I stood and watched them all around
my eager upturned face.
Just one more leaf, I childlike thought,
then surely I must go...
I stood enchanted as they fell
like burnished flakes of snow.
I hope my life might someday be
so beautiful, that at my death,
I linger on the shores of life,
and beg for one more breath.
2006-07-05 11:53:17 · 15 answers · asked by cooperslassie 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I am entering a poetry contest this summer, and am trying to choose three works of mine...any thoughts on this one???
2006-07-05 11:53:44 · update #1
PS I belong to a poetry workshop online, but would welcome some new opinions!!!
2006-07-05 11:54:23 · update #2
Since you all liked this poem so well, I'll post another one for your thoughts...check back soon! Thanks so much for sharing your opinions. I can enter 3 in the contest, and as I have written well over 200, choosing them is going to be very hard!!!
2006-07-06 06:28:29 · update #3
This is truly an amazing poem! It sounds like something that Robert Frost or Henry Thoreau wrote! If you truly wrote this, you have great talent; I would send this one in as is!
2006-07-05 12:01:05 · answer #1 · answered by sharptooth3 2 · 6⤊ 2⤋
that would to me they'd teach.
with regret I started home-
with my eager upturned face.
Just one more leaf, childlike I thought
I LOVE your poem, I just like the changes above, sorry, its just personal on my part, nothing more. GREAT JOB, its beautiful! I got totally lost in it which is rare for a poem. Also, the rhythm reminds me of the Walrus and the Carpenter which I also like although its not "pretty" lol
However the last four lines lost me. For one thing everything you describe about the leaves, the lake, its all so beautiful and enrapturing, yet you want your life to someday be beautiful. It already is . . .
2006-07-05 19:46:59 · answer #2 · answered by AdamKadmon 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If somebody said that it was one of Robert Frost's, I would believe it. It is well written and such raw freshness. If the poem doesn't win in the competition,its their "lost', not yours. You have given it your best shot, Time for you to stroll beside the lake and watch the bright leaves falling..and as you stood there ,be enchanted as the leaves fell like burnished flakes of snow. Beautiful, such is life!!
2006-07-06 10:09:12 · answer #3 · answered by tazaharra 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. I am not really a poetry expert or anything but I thought yours was really good. For me it is important to first rhyme and second to feel emotion or expression a feeling(s). I personally have only written 2 poems (both to girls). They are probably not very good but both were written with emotion at 2 different times in my life. They mean a lot to me. Keep up the good work.
2006-07-05 19:07:48 · answer #4 · answered by RussellMania 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hey i loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove it
it has a great meaning and depth in it
lovely keep up the good work!
looks like that of a great famous poet
i need an sentimental and painful kind of poem can u write it for me
best of luck!
2006-07-06 11:24:22 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it. The final verse gives it greater depth. My only suggestion is that you may want to tweak a couple of lines for better flow. Good luck.
2006-07-05 19:00:22 · answer #6 · answered by Sels 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I read the first lines, and they sound very good!
Sorry poetry doesn't hold my attention too well, I don't care how good you are. I can tell good from bad though, as long as it's short.
2006-07-05 19:23:25 · answer #7 · answered by she who is awesome 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i loved it. would u mind if i printed it out? give us your name so i can put down the author. i'd love to see some of your other works. this is definately a winner for a competition.
2006-07-06 01:11:24 · answer #8 · answered by jenniferb 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's pretty good! Its got a pretty good rhythm and rhyme, and nice imagery and emotional feelings too. Good Luck!
2006-07-05 20:01:01 · answer #9 · answered by too frisky 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Awwsome poem, but you should try one of those awesome hiakus...
All night I'm weeping
The pain, though swift it lingers
deep in my ballsack
2006-07-05 19:16:16 · answer #10 · answered by vinny 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋