what should I do w my 16 yo son. He is rude and obnoxious and sets a bad example for my 2 other kids?

Question

He has an older sister 19, she's gone off to college, always respectful and polite.
There is a 10 yr old sister, he loves but picks on unmercifully, and always is worrying about having to beat someone up because she's going to be a beautiful teen soon
the littlest is 6. He pretty much ignores her most of the time. He harrasses her til she's in tears then says I love you.
I've tried talking to him about how he is treating these girls are an indication of how he will treat women in the future, he gets irrate, cussing, gets up in my face basically he goes balistic. I've suggested counseling, he gets even more irrational, his father (we've been divorced for 13 yrs) does not support the idea that he needs counseling, his response is "he's a boy, he'll grow out of it." . I am at my whits end on how to cope or deal with my angry son. By the way he's not little, he's 6' 1 " and 250#, in to weight lifting and football.

he lived with his father until last year. He was an only kid there, I've told he him could go back to his Daddy's but he likes it here, likes his school etc. he says. (His Daddy was and is not a disiplinarian, he always was like my son's best friend...)

Answer 1

Maybe he should live with his dad. He needs a MAN'S influence in his life. He's been growing up in a female environment and hasn't learned how to be a young man. Thirteen years is a long time for a boy to be without a full time father.

Boys who grow up without full time fathers in the home have all sorts of social problems and issues boys with full time dads don't seem to have.

Send him to his father so he can learn how to be a MAN.

How sad so many of the answers don't mention how the LACK of a MALE ROLE MODEL has been a big contributor to this young fellow's troubles. Are father's that UNimportant now?

Looks like your ex was a BAD FATHER FIGURE. Parents are NOT supposed to be friends with their kids.

Maybe some "tough love" is in order. Do you have a brother who could be a strong authority figure who could teach him how to be a man and not just a young male animal?

Answer 2

I'll tell you what you should do. I doubt that you will want my advice. I had a son like yours. He ended up getting in lots of trouble by the time he was 18. I feel this was because I didn't give up to send him off to rehab. I had sent him to a boys camp and he ran off to another city. I let him come home because he threatened to run away again. Through all the counseling and therapy, nothing worked. I should have sent him to rehab to stay for as long as they felt necessary. I still regret it to this day. Because of my decision to keep him at home with me; my marriage suffered. His step-dad and I ended up in divorce. He is now a grown man doing lots better but he has a jail record because of the mistakes he made when he was younger. He will always have this record to follow him. This has kept him from getting good jobs. He has even told how he wish I had sent him to rehab. I thought at the time I was doing the best thing. Sometimes going to counseling is not enough.

Answer 3

Supported by husband or not, respect and behavior control are the rules. My response to my son, who is consequently larger than I sometimes pulls out his Independence at 24 years old and thinks that since he doesn't live here that he can act any what he wants in light of the rules. Just recently, on one of his visits he was just about as rude as I have seen and I stepped up and as loud as I could, STOP. Your behavior is out of control and if you do not cease right now you will be asked to leave. His response was, "Yea and who is gonna make me?". I told him that I brought him into this world and I can take him out, however, that is way too much effort just to prove a point so what I would do is call the police and have him removed and his vehicle impounded. He started with the behavior again and I retrieved the phone. He asked if I was serious about having him removed and the impounding. Serious as a Heart Attack I told him. He said your just afraid you will get your a** beat, and very quickly I said, "No, if you remember as you were growing up I told you that there are rules and when you break the rules there is a penalty to pay. I do not have to fight you to make sure you respect the rules and I warned you about what happens when you do. You have no one to blame but yourself. I will do with you exactly as I would with anyone else in the world that is breaking the rules in the house and I am just following procedure. He said I was bluffing and I asked him if he had ever seen me bluff, even once about the house rules as we exchanged glances. Very frustrated he left in a show of squealing tires as he knew he could not change the right thing that had always been there. This story is to show you that the same respect is available to every parent and enforceable by your local authorities and the least violations are not tolerated and there is a price to pay. The transferrence of the price to pay may have to come from him once or twice but the respect for your house and rules has nothing to do with you personally and the conditions are not negotiable. Tough love is the best but the hardest. Now would be a good time to gain his respect for the house and its rules as they protect the gurls also and they are entitled to the same protection it has afforded him and it does not have to be at their expense. Call your local youth center authorities for back up and when it comes to face to face tell your son make a decision, either you go back into your place and observe the rules of the house or I will have you removed as they apply to everyone equally and you cannot violate those rights. What do you want to do? It is impressive to watch it work but an awesome tool for teaching and keeping the peace. He will become responsible for his actions even if he is removed from your house. It does not take many time to learn and what you teach him with it is how life is. It is very valuable. Good luck. Parenting, fun isn't it.

Answer 4

Anyone under my roof gets in my face and cusses can go live in a tent in the back yard. Seriously. I will even carry the dresser out there for them. Hell, I'm a good dad so I would even throw in a few bucks for a wind up alarm clock so they wont miss class or work.

It's a pretty funny thing to live in a tent, until about November

Answer 5

He is the man in the house, he grew up without being able to see how a real dad would act, so he tries to be a father figure and of course he wouldnt let the mom of the house start a rebellion against him.

He just doesnt know how to be a "man" hes in the age where he is about to find out.

Let him know how much you really appreciate him stepping in, and if possible discuss with him what his part could be in the family, that way he wont overshoot and will feel good about himself and what hes doing

Answer 6

He needs a change of environment. He is at a rebellious age , if his dad lives in another district, send him there to spend some time with his dad. If you have a brother or sister who is responsible enough and has a strong family with a husband at home, send him there if it is in another area. Let him spend 6 months there, long enough to get used to the place but not long enough to make new friends. Then bring him back home. You will see a change in his behaviour.

Answer 7

Invest in "Love and Logic"- Jim Faye, anything by Ross Green.

Things will not get better with time and you do need to take some proactive steps now!! Your ex would be better help and support to your children if he supported you instead of exasperating the situation!! You most likely already know that though!

Best of luck! Develop a plan, structure, and limitations and STICK to every one of them as hard as it may be!!!

Answer 8

He's 16, he doesn't get to decide if he goes to counseling or not. You're his mom, tell him he's going, and if he balks, start taking away priviledges! Bench him until he behaves the correct way with you and his sisters.
His attitude towards women needs to change right away.

Answer 9

I have a son also, but mine just turned 18yrs. old. He called me today to tell me he just got his drivers license, OH LORD!!!!! Anyway when he picked on his sister whose 5 yrs. older, but 1 1/2 feet shorter then he, I put him on house arrest myself everything taken from him, he EARNED back what he wanted!!! When he told me he could do anything he wanted, I handed him a list of things expected of him, if he'd blow up I'd just make the list longer and harder. Until he finally gave in, and cooled off>

Answer 10

keep telling him he is setting a bad example for his siblings and encourage him to get a job to occupy his time . or when hes doing that tell him to get out of the house awhile until he can quit it. when he gets in your face what do you do? I'd just tell him if he cant control his behavior then he needs to get out. if he's picking on his siblings too much and the school finds out they will remove him from your home.