What do you do when you have a mother who doesnt think your relationship will work out?

Question

I have been with the same guy now for over a yr and half my kids love him and he loves them. He came from chicago and that is where all his family is, and we every now and then make trips up there to see them but they haven't made a trip down here at all, they didn't send him or my kids anything for christmas but yet they say they love my kids like they are there own grandkids and that they accepts us into there family but they don't really do the things that you would do. I see eye to eye with my mom on that subject and unfortunately my BF doesn't how do I make him see it at least a little? But most of all my mom doesn't want us going up there at all especially the kids, she says that I am letting them get close to people who don't even really care about them? I am torn and I don't know what to do because I feel accepted when we are up there and the kids have fun for the most part other than I am constantly having to make sure they dont get into something

Answer 1

First of all just because they don't buy things for your children or their son doesn't mean they don't love them (honestly isn't' that a little shallow to think that buying someone something means they love you?). If that is the reason your mother doesn't think they should visit your bf's parents that's just plain stupid, you have been with him all most 2 years. Are they mean to your children or to you or their son? As for the children getting into things that's what kids do. If your happy with your bf and you say he loves you and your kids then just be happy and don't worry about material things.

Answer 2

Maybe they can't afford to travel or buy them presents. Ask them to start sending them cards or something. Look at how they treat your boyfriend. Do they do these things for their own son? They may show their love in a different way than your parents do. Every family is different. I'll give you an example. My husbands family is all into gifts, and visiting one another all the time for everything. My family is not as close as his. Although we love each other dearly. It's a special occasion to get a phone call from someone in my family, but we still love one another very much. My family doesn't spend lots on presents and things like that. But we all know we love one another.

Answer 3

well i suppose if you consider that gifts = caring then you and your mom are right about it. but that seems sorta silly to me. how much of an investment does it require to show that you care exactly? some families throw money at each other all the time but that doesn't mean they care anymore than people that dont. some families just aren't like that and since your bf doesn't seem bothered by it i would guess that is what you are dealing with here. when you are there you are accepted and treated kindly right? those are their actions so why are you second guessing them? accept them for who they are instead of trying to find reasons why they aren't good people because they do things differently than you.

my family is seriously like that, we are all awful at calling, visiting, sending gifts or cards but we do love each other, we just weren't raised making big stinks about such things, we have vowed to change on several occassions but it never lasts long. i love my sisters and nieces and nephews dearly, even my own kids that are grown i don't talk to as much as i'd like to, i think its a genetic thing with us though (at least thats what we joke about), so i'm sure you would decide that we all secretly hate you but you would be wrong (if we hated you its not something you would have to guess about, LOL), its just the way we are and everytime we are together we discuss how bad we are at these things but since we all are none of us get upset about it.

Answer 4

Well, you need to consider his family background and how they were raised verses how you were. And even your mother. Maybe your Mother doesn't think they are that accepting because she is overly accepting and she shows it by giving gifts...verses his family who show they accept you by doing things for you and chatting with you.
Also, is there something that keeps them from coming to you? If not say something to his family and ask why they don't come to you and visit.
For your b/f to see what you and your mother are worried about.....you may have to show him physically...or after figuring it may be just the background differences...talk about it.
Always talk about it. Never leave any of your thoughts or opinions out. Especially for your children.
I wish you the best of luck. And I hope things work out for the better.
I understand what you are going through because my folks felt one way and I felt another, but I understood how they felt.
It is hard. I prayed a lot. Made a choice. Prayed about it. My choice felt like it was the right one and went with my choice. I am truly happy because I followed that wonderful feeling I had and Not what my Parents had.
Take care!

Answer 5

Most likely It looks like difference of Family traditions. I do not see this being problem from your Boy Friend family side unless there is something else that you have not shared here.

As far as not sending gifts or such formal gesture is concerned, every family is not same in such traditions.May be the case, they are not so formal. But as long as they enjoy your and your children on the trip, it should be fine.

and about those folks not visiting you, there could be few ways out. Trying arrranging something formal gathering and make them proper invitation making them feel that it is not just to meet them but it is social function (even could be anything, your anneversary, kid's birthday or anything) and have oplite ways to be at your place. Hopefuly that should resolve most of the issues.

Answer 6

well maybe the no gifts thing was just that. They couldnt afford to send gifts....That really is no reason to say they don't care....as love is not measured in material things. And too...a lot of ppl just do not like traveling away from their own area..I've personally had many family members that are just like that. I just think you are reading a lot into the situation when its not there to begin with. And as far as your mom goes, you listen to her reasons out of respect, then gently remind her that it is your life, and you appreciate her caring so much and will keep her words in mind..but bottom line, you need to choose who is right for you. Not her.

Answer 7

Maybe they dont want to invest too much in your kids for the same reason. Maybe they dont want to get all attached since you guys aren't married. Maybe they aren't happy with the fact that he's dating a women with kids. I mean you have to be able to understand that, right ? Would your mother have wanted you to date a man with kids when you had none yourself ? I dont think so.

Answer 8

I think that you are letting your kids get to close to these people. You haven't even been with this man for 2 years. I really don't think that these people have to give or do anything for your children. Your children are not related to these people and you haven't really been with your boyfriend all that long.

Answer 9

The way I see it, if you are over 18 why is your mother all up in your business. Unless you are bringing her your business. I would suggest you work on your relationship alone and keep mom out of it. It really is none of her business. If she insists on making it her business, I would handle her with a long handle spoon. It doesn't make it fair to the poor guy. Not only does he have to deal with you and his relationship but also your mother in his business. I suggest you not tell her anymore. Just my opinion.

Answer 10

Listen to your mom. She has your welfare and that of your kids at heart. These people don't care about you at all. Tell your BF that you have to protect your kids from getting hurt. If he doesn't understand that, he's not the right one for you.