Being a nice guy sucks: Why do we finish last?

Question

How can I be less of a nice guy and more of a jerk w/out crossing the asshole line?

Answer 1

Though I've been in your shoes and can relate to your question, you don't *have* to "be less of a nice guy" to get what you want.

Going on the assumption that you feel you've finished last a lot, I suspect you need to clarify your goals and then learn how to be an assertive person. Where you'd cross the asshole line you mentioned is becoming an *aggressive* person.

I admire your wanting to stay this side of that line, because the world already has quite enough agg-holes (the two words combined).

An assertive person takes care of him- or herself *while respecting* the rights, opinions, space, time, etc. of others. That sounds like your intention. An aggressive person may care only about themselves and their own goals, and will not be hindered by knowing they're hurting you or others.

When you start to learn assertiveness, you start to ask for what you want--and say what you will do--without abusing others. You will be more direct; less wishy-washy or manipulative, and that's good for everyone involved. They may be momentarily hurt or disappointed if they hoped you'd agree to something, but you will have learned that this is unavoidable in life, that their feelings are not your responsibility, and that to best treat others you need to take care of your needs (and likewise not place your needs on *them*). You'll learn that this is NOT being "mean." You'll also learn specific defenses (both verbal and action) against the abuse of others.

And with all this taking care of yourself, your self-respect will grow in ways that will surprise you. So will your confidence. People will more readily give you the respect you've wanted, because they see you know you deserve it, and that you will tolerate no less than you give them.

Whatever the particular circumstances that made you who you are, you must accept yourself. Sure, try to change those things you want to improve, but love and respect yourself right now. Be kind in the things you say to yourself. Make a list of the reasons you're a good person.

Your opinions, feelings, ideas and dreams are -- by birthright -- as worthy as the next person's. Doesn't that really make sense?

Only with the belief in yourself that will come from these insights can you prevent being steamrollered by someone with a bigger mouth or seemingly greater confidence. 'Seemingly' is key, because often those who lack confidence *act* confidence. Wouldn't it suck to find out you were actually way smarter, more considerate, more emotionally together, and had more to offer than someone you've let overshadow you?

Many pushy or manipulative or inconsiderate people (and I suspect you know some, and may feel in competition with a few) are not even aware that their behaviors are abusive. You will need to teach them. You do that by turning your back on the abuse, speaking up for yourself, and or ending the relationship entirely. To do *those* things, you obviously need to be able to recognize abuse (or rudeness, to put it another way).

I have no idea what your specific issues are, but here are a few common situations that some people don't realize are abusive...

-"I won't do that again, I'm sorry..." But they do.
-"You don't like THAT girl do you?" (Said in a tone that implies you're stupid or there's something wrong with your opinion.)
-"Poor me... I'm so sad and lonely and have had a bad life, so I need you to take care of me..." One example of a guilt trip, designed to make you put your own needs second.
-"You need ta... (lose weight, quit wasting your money on___, join the gang at this party..., dump that car you have)..." whatever. That's controlling. There's nothing wrong with replying that you'll ask for their advice if you want it, but until then you'll make your own decisions, thank you.
-"I'm not mad" (yet they won't talk to you, and are slamming doors).

All these are examples of situations you don't have to put up with. That's what assertion is all about. In a nutshell, it's learning to say "no." (An agg-hole might say "F no!"... and there may be a gesture or violent action to go along with it.)

It really might benefit you to read some good books about assertiveness, if you think this might apply to you. Most people could benefit -- the WORLD could benefit -- without them even realizing it.

Now if I misread you, and you really want to be more of a jerk for some reason... sorry, I can't help you, and wouldn't want to.

Live with courage, integrity, and self-respect... for your good and the good of the world. And stay nice, like the nice girls above said. I promise you: you won't finish last.

The best of luck, my friend.

Answer 2

I like nice guys. There's not enough of them about. There to many jerks and assholes already . I'm fed up with all the jerks and assholes. Stay as u are. Maybe it's a confidence thing maybe u need more confident or something. Don't change stay as u are. I don't think it's about being jerk it's about personality think.

Answer 3

Nice guys don't finish last, it's only a silly saying. You can be a nice guy and a cool guy, too. You don't need to act like a jerk. In fact, it's a very bad idea. Just don't let other people act like jerks toward you!

Answer 4

Green Day wrote an awesome song called Nice Guys Finish Last. Women like to fix things. We don't like dogs who cheat but guys who need tweaking are almost as exciting as a new pair of shoes.

Answer 5

It's a good question but your next remark is off. Be a nice guy until you find a nice girl. Who needs the conflicts and games? But just to make sure, nice guy is not the same as wuss, we need to be clear on this. Don't be clingy/sappy/mushy. Be confident in yourself, be smart, be funny, you can even be sarcastic, it works too! But we all want a nice guy, deep down.

Answer 6

Nice guys dont always finish last, thats just an old cliche made up by some dude who couldnt get laid and he attributed it to being a "nice guy".

I'm a nice guy, whats so bad about being a nice guy? I dont have any complaints...

Answer 7

Have you ever considered that the girls you date aren't very nice? I've been with my husband for almost 19 years, married for 17, and I can say, unequivocally, he is absolutely the nicest person I have ever met! Just keep the faith and keep your eyes open in your relationships. Just because you're nice, doesn't mean you should let people walk all over you. Assert yourself nicely, and you won't have to give up on who you are.

Answer 8

just say the things you really want to say. nice guy will get the girl but the a hole will keep them. If she is being a bicth call her one, but the c word ( you might get hit) reach over a grab her **** once in a while, and if she says they are mine, say bull **** let somebody else do that and see what happens. ask her if you can pook her in the butt. or just slip it in by accident. because it is always an accident. stuff like that. Now you HAVE TO HOLD YOUR GROUNDS IF THERE IS A DECISION AND YOU ARE ARGUING ABOUT IT YOU AND I MEAN YOU MAKE THE DECISION and you take the responsibility for that decision. stuff like that, you know man law 101.

Answer 9

You don't. End the end who will care about you? Compassion always pays off and wins the day. The love of family and friends means everything. If you have love what else will you want or need. If that is finishing last give me last every time.

Answer 10

Just don't let people walk all over you, I'm not saying you do, but that was always the problem with my past nice guy boyfriends. They would never stand up for themselves and always wanted to make everyone happy.