Help with marriage question?

Question

We know that we want to get married in early 07 but there is a small problem. he is supposed to marry someone the same religion as him. and we have to promise to raise our children that way. but i dont belive the same way he does, he said he would get married at a church i want, but i respect his religion i just dont think i can raise a child to a religion i dont believe in. i need help

We know that we want to get married in early 07 but there is a small problem. he is supposed to marry someone the same religion as him. (catholic) and we have to promise to raise our children that way. but i dont belive the same way he does,(I am christian) he said he would get married at a church i want, but i respect his religion i just dont think i can raise a child to a religion i dont believe in. i need help

Answer 1

Ok - first of all you both need to sit down and discuss this. Catholics ARE Christians. I hope you knew that already. You don't have to promise to raise your children anyway whatsoever. That is a decision for you and your husband and no one else is allowed to influence or dictate that. Despite what the church or parents say. Nothing in the bible says people have to be catholic or have to hold the title christian. They only have to believe in Christ and follow his commandments. The way in which they do this is not really specified. (I'm a youth minister as well as a jr high history teacher btw)

My suggestion is this. Expose your children to both. You say you respect his beliefs so you shouldn't have a problem going to his church once in a while. Take the kids to your church and teach them both. When they are old enough they will choose for themselves what they want to be and how they want to live. Children don't always end up exact copies of their parents and that's just fine. Give them the freedom to be who they want to be not who you want them to be.

As far as anyone else is concerned, well your kids aren't their responsibility. I'm sure your in-laws will do their best to make their grandkids good little catholics and your parents will do likewise. Let the kids grow up with these influences. It won't hurt them.

Answer 2

Did you say that he's Catholic? If so, there's a lot of misconception going on here.

Catholics are not bound to only marrying Catholics. Only Catholics, however, can receive the sacrament of marriage. What this really means is that at the end of the ceremony, he will be considered "sacramentally" married and you will not. But since you aren't Catholic, this shouldn't be a big deal. There is nothing in the ceremony that will make mention of the fact. In fact, if you two choose not to have a full wedding mass, no one would be able to tell that one of you isn't Catholic.

The first thing you two need to do anyway is meet with a priest. This is going to be key for you two - find a priest who is open-minded, friendly, and knowledgable. He will be able to explain a lot of things two you and answer questions. Catholics do marry non-Catholics all the time and they don't have to jump through fifty million hoops to do so.

Yes, the church will ask you to promise to raise the children in the faith. The reality of this is that you are promising not to impeed any Catholic education. If you and your husband are on the same page ethically and morally, this shouldn't be a problem - let the kids go to CCD and raise them to understand that there are other religions in the world. If he wants children and wants them baptized in the church and you don't, then you two have some talking to do.

The only issue I can see facing you two is that the preparation process takes about 6 months. Most churches in my experience won't allow you to get married there without at least 6 months notice. Contact the church where you want to get married and contact a priest to get the process going ASAP.

Answer 3

Are you two in totally different religions or just different churches? It would really help if you specified, but I'll try to answer based on what you told us. This is assuming that they are completely different religions:

Eventually your different beliefs will get in the way. One of the most fundamental things that keep a marriage together are common beliefs and values. That is the reason marriage was designed in the first place. Most religions specifically state that their members should not date and/or marry outside of that religion for a good reason. Can both of you live with that on your concience? If neither of you are willing to convert you are both violating a principle of your religion. These rules are in place for a very specific reason, because your spouse should not come between you and God, but hold you up and bring you closer to your relationship with God. Most religions believe this and agree on this within their own dogma.

Also, if you cannot--in your heart--promise to raise your children in his religion, and that is what he requires, then don't marry him. I'm sure you love him, but it will only cause a plethera of problems later on.

God bless you both.

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After update: The above still applies. Catholics are "christians" but they do not have the same fundamental beliefs as protestant christians, be very specific. Talk to your pastor and his priest and discuss the most important values. Make a list of your values and make sure that you are both going to adhere to the same values. The man should be the spiritual head of the household and if you cannot give that role to him, you should not marry him. If you don't believe Catholics are "christians" then you really should not marry him because you must feel that there is a big fundamental difference in your beliefs.

Answer 4

You're both christian, what's the problem? There isn't that big a difference between the christian religions. Get married in your church and then have the marriage blessed by the catholic priest. This works well, friends of ours did this when his sister asked them to be godparents. They were married by a minister but to be catholic godparents they had to have their marriage blessed by a priest.

How religious are the two of you? You might be making a problem where one doesn't exist. If you are both very religious then you'll need to discuss how to raise the children, as long as you communicate this shouldn't be a problem. When I got married in the catholic church no one made me promise to raise any children catholic. They asked us if we were aware of the church's position on children. I said yes, because I am aware of the position. I don't agree with the position but I am aware of it. I was raised catholic but gave it up, we got married in the church because my husband wanted to. It's hard to overcome 12 years of catholic school. I think you'll be fine, just make sure you talk about everything and get it all worked out before the wedding. This might be a case where a prenup could be a good idea, not for monetary considerations but for any children you might have. good luck.

Answer 5

You haven't said what the two religions are so it is difficult to say. Some religions are more tolerant of others and some are not. In general, marrying out of your own faith is extremely difficult and seriously lowers your chances of a successful marriage, even if you do love each other. The differences can tear your relationship apart over the years to come.
If you cannot raise your children in his religion but you have already promised to do so, then the only thing to do is end the relationship now. It will be painful but you will get over it. Find someone in your own religion that you can love.
I have never believed there is only one person for each of us in this world. There are billions of people and there are many people out there who you could fall in love with and have a great marriage with. You just need to be selective and choose the right one.

Answer 6

Bottom line . . . you are both of Christian religion!

My husband is Sicilian and was raised Catholic and I am Irish and was raised Church of Christ and we have three children together. If you truely love each other, then it really doesn't matter. Get married in a non-denominational church.

The only time there may be an issue would be if one of your children wanted to be married in a Catholic church because then your marriage won't be recognized. By the time you are preparing for your child's wedding, all of that may change.

Don't sweat it and just love and honor one another!

Answer 7

Have you thought about going to pre-marriage counseling? You might try talking to his pastor and exploring his religion a little more before you make a decision on how to raise your children. I can tell you from experience that if the two of you disagree on religion strongly, it could be the downfall of your relationship, kids or no kids. I agree that raising your children in a religion you do not believe in would not be good for any of you, but perhaps you could raise them learning both religions and let them decide for themselves as they grow up. Just a thought...

Answer 8

A Religion is a "belief" of a certain kind of people. In my opinion, someone should not put their religion first before their family. All children deserve a free life, where they dont have to be forced to believe or do things, they will learn on their own, and find out their rights and wrongs. A parents job is to teach them "Right from Wrong" also of course. You will know, If He Really Loves You. If He really loves you, he will make the right choice...thats all I can say

Answer 9

Be careful. This is a very critical question. I suggest you spend a lot of time understanding what his religion is and what (based on that religion) he is going to expect from you and your family. If you do not feel you can convert to his religion and he wont convert to yours (tough as it may seem) do not get married. The difference in religious beliefs will become a point that each of you will try to use to control the other. The children will be confused and ultimately will end in divorce.

Answer 10

If you are truly a Christian - are you going to make a promise to God that you can't keep? If you two are in disagreement on how to raise your children, then you can't cross your fingers and hope that it will work out when the time comes. And, you shouldn't bring a child into this world until you do decide. Keep trying to come to an arrangement in this because if you don't, it could be a deal breaker.