should i leave or should the brother leave?

Question

My husband and i got married in April. i am pregnant and we have moved to a new state and bought a house together. we are both 25 years old.



when we were dating my hubby and i lived alone with my 6 year old from a previous relationship. when we moved out of state(in dec) his brother had to come with us. my hubby works full time and i stay home. everything sounds good up to there,. the problem is that his brother who is 27 (i am 25 and so is my hubby) has a learning disability. i am expected to take care of him. everything is a problem,... you have to remind him to do everyday things like brush his teeth. I am tired and feel stressed out. so what do i do? I cant take this anymore. should i be the one to leave my house that i paid half of to accomidate his brother or should his brother be the one to leave? and how much is to much for me to do? hoe do i work around this woithout hurting my marriage? I love my husband and we have no issues other than this

ps, everytime i try to talk to my hubby about how i feel he flips on me and acts like his brother is more importnant than me. the other day i heard him talking to his dad and he said that he thinks maybe he made a mistake marrying me cause i dont want his brother around. I feel like i am between a rock and a hard place. i married my hubby not him and his disabled brother. his mother should be the one to care for him.

mother in law lives in another country,.. Trinidad and Tabago. My hubby feels thats not the place for his brother to be

Answer 1

well i dont know ur family or anything....but why is it ur responsibility to take care of ur husbands brother? i know its part of your family and everything but arn't you suppose to stay home to take care of other household work? i dont know but it would really bother me if my husband/wife expected me to take care of his brother. i just think that his brother should get help from other family members.

Answer 2

a serious problem at best, right off the top , your dealing with hubby male hubbys dad male and brother male,, i would ask my self why does hubby feel he is the only one whom his brother can live with, is it because he feels his mother is not trust worthy and does not have the ability to take care of brother, and what does this say about you , appearently he has confidence in you trust thats not easy to come by ,i dont think you should have a show down with this issue,, it will always be on a burner ,even if you prevale you havent won , because you have just torn out your hubbys heart and have made him a lesser person and so starts the erosion of self work togather for the benifet of all ,, what if you were hubbys sister mentally disabeled and the shoe were on the other foot compasion understanding caring ,, unless you are disabeled too are you ??? work with your new family build your selves up ,, to tear down shows self distructivness work togather , or just leave cut all ties no more contact, start new life dont look back you cant have it both ways you have already had some kind of previous relationship , failed
how many start overs do you own, did you stop to think if you get rid of brother its over any way you have just proven he cant trust you relax seek professional help i wont charge this time good luck your gonna need it

Answer 3

Unfortunately, what you will end up facing if you continue to push the issue is the old "blood is thicker than water" thing. In other words, you husband will most likely end up choosing the brother over the family. I'm sorry to tell you this, but it's the way it is, as unfair as it is.
How disabled is he? Can you make a check list of things to be done? If he's got a mentality of a 7 year old or better, this is a viable alternative to following him around. At least you're not having to change his diapers! Telling to pick up after himself & clean himself up is a very small sacrifice to pay. I'm sure your husband would accept things if the tables were turned. It may be hard, but it's not the end of the world.

Is there any way to aleviate the situation?
Is there any way to have the bro live with the father? How about another sibling?
Maybe you should discuss care with your husband - it IS his brother after all. See if he can't share the burden - weekends/evenings/holidays, etc.
What would happen if you get a job after the baby's born? The bro would have to fend for himself eventually.
How about maybe getting state assistance to have part-time help?
Maybe you could look into an independent living faclity for him - one where he can live a private life, but have people around to help.

These are just a few suggestions, but they are valid. You should look into them.

And look at it this way - he's just an overgrown kid..it will be good practice for the one you have on the way. Try not to be resentful toward him as it will only make things harder between you and your husband.

Answer 4

That's a tough one! Try to spin it around, though. What if you had a disabled sister or brother? Wouldn't you be super protective as well? I think the key is to compromise. Let your man know that you don't dislike his bro but that you can't handle everything. Maybe you can find a nurse to come in and help or a day center where he can go and make some friends. I'm not very familiar with programs for the disabled but there has to be some way to compromise.

Answer 5

Is there anyplace for your BIL to go during the daytime? How severe is the LD? Can he hold a part-time job - long enough during the day for you to have a break? Or some type of group activity sort of like an adult day care (similar to what they have for the elderly)? This will not solve the problem of having him out of the house but it will give you some time alone without him. Tell your husband that you think this is a fair compromise.
Two years after my hubby and I married we had to take in his physically disabled brother who was also socially inept (for lack of a better word). He remained my responsibility even after his parents moved in with us. He was always around - and when my husband was sent out of town on business my BIL thought I needed him to keep me company (guess who claimed the remote control?). Day care was not an option for him but they all eventually moved out of state and left hubby and I alone.
BTW - did you discuss this in depth with your hubby before you took him in?

Answer 6

I don't think its fair to ask anyone to "leave". He obviously can't really live on his own. You should feel good that you're doing a good deed for his brother. Then again, you are pregnant and need a little more rest and less stress. You should tell your husband that you honestly need to talk to him and ask him not to get offended then tell him how you really feel.
P.S. You could hire someone to come in and help take care of him.

Answer 7

I feel that the brother should leave. The house belongs to you and your husband not the brother. His mother should be taking care of him. You have enough to worry about with your child and the one on the way.

Answer 8

you need to look at it from your husbands perspective. it is his brother who he obviously cares about. he doesn't feel like abandoning him. i know you must feel stressed. maybe you guys could work something out where you guys have him sometimes and someone else has him other times. let him know it is hard for you to take care of the children the house and his brother. if you guys are mean to be together it will be worked out. good luck.

Answer 9

I think the brother should go. Like a special home or something. Its not your responsibility to take care of his brother.

Answer 10

Wow you have it tough can no one really tell you what to do because your the one in this situation. but you have to look at this situation as if it was your brother how would you expect your husband to deal with it, and then deal with it from that perspective. its understanding that your frustrated with that situation but talk to your husband about it before you react, and make him see it from your perspective. if you ignore your husband for a day or two he will calmly talk to you about it just be patient with him.

Answer 11

omg. that's sad.
well i don't know what i can tell you because i'm only 13.
i think he should move into his parent's house
because you're right, you didn't marry your husband and his brother.
but his mom is like probably (not to be mean) old and can't help him
like you're able to.
but you should ask him to go to some kind of home
where he can get taken care of
because it's not your responsibilty to take care of him.