Right or Wrong?

Question

Recently my step son (15) asked if he could come and live with me. I told him he was welcome so long as it was ok with his parents. He wanted to go to the mall every fri. & I told him I wouldn't bring him EVERY fri. I brought him one week . The following fri. his dad visited & steven asked his dad to drive him to the mall. I was annoyed and told his dad that we had discussed this already and that i had brought him the fri. before & told him this wasn't going to be a weekly thing. His dad turned on me & called me a conrolling b--- etc. etc. in front of Steven. I told them to leave if Steven wouldn't do what I told him to do. They refused to leave & I pretended to call the cops. Then they left. Was I wrong or right? His dad called me the following day and told me I was a piece of s---. I feel I was walked all over. What do you think? Was I awful or were they ?

Answer 1

You were very right in asserting yourself -- that's what 15 year olds (and adults who act 15) need. Way to go, man.

Answer 2

Lord knows what the tone was in all of this, but it wasn't pretty. One has to wonder why you would restrict a 15 year-old from hanging out at the mall on Friday nights. What else did you expect him to do ? Where are his friends ? Did you expect him to be staying home 3 Fridays a month ? Probably a bit of an unreasonable expectation of a 15 year-old. So were you being a bit controlling ?

Nonetheless, even if you were - and that is something only you can determine - no, you weren't "awful." There is no excuse for such disrespect and profanity in front of the boy (or at all, for that matter.) Didn't teach the boy anything good, that's for sure.

Your house, your rules. If the stepson wants to be there, then that's the set up.

Answer 3

You are both wrong. He brought a fight to you in front of Steven and you continued it, including a fake call to the cops (what are they going to do? No law is being broken). You and his dad need to sit down and come up with some ground rules. This might be best done with a counselor that can help to keep things civil (sounds like you guys could use some help there) and flowing in the right direction. Steven and you should do the same.

Was I awful or were they? - Sounds like everyone was...

Answer 4

You called the cops becuase you couldn't have your way in an arguement? Take a step back and think about this!

You're worrying so much about control and having your way. An ideal situaiton is where you sit down with the boy's father and discuss the boy's rules while he lives under your roof. If the kid doesn't like the rules, he can move back home with his other parent. Just don't make this about ego and about who can control the boy more.

Answer 5

Amazing - first of all how come this user wasn't living with his own parents? Second, you took him in out of the goodness of your heart and he and his dad walk all over you! It's your home, what you say goes - period!! If they don't like it, they need to take a hike. Sounds like dad is a real a-s---- and is setting a really bad example for his son. Trust me you are better off without these two unappreciative jerks. Kudos to you for showing them the door. Let them be someone elses problem. PS: No wonder he's your ex! JF.

Answer 6

I think the situation was handled badly, on your part, on the father's part and on Steven's part. If he's living with you he should respect your rules and wishes and not try to get what he wants by going behind your back. His fathers name-calling and such was totally uncalled for, if he okayed his son's living there then he should also respect your rules. At the same time, you should remember that his father...well, he's his father! And he was probably a little peeved that you were trying to override his decision...
It seems like an odd situation where there are bound to be problems...

Answer 7

Ok I am confused. First of all if it is your stepson are you not with his father?

And second...
Well you were right and wrong. First of all you have to have rules. That is important. And it is very important to stick to the rules and be consistent. I of course was not there I do not know what was said. But you said that you were not going to bring him every Friday. From what you told us you did not say he could not go every Friday.If he is visiting with his father and his father brings him...so what? Did it inconvenience you at all? It sounds to me like he was being resourceful. Just because he went two weeks in a row doesn't mean he would expect to go every week. Or go against your wishes of not bringing him every week.

Now as far as them taking advantage of you...yes maybe they did. As far as the father being incorrect in treating you that way. Yes he was.

But it is his child. And people will act funny with their children. I know that from experience and I will too. He was probably just trying to protect his son.
And from the sounds of it your relationship with the father wasn't great to begin with so it wouldn't take much to set it off.

I say let it go. If you can recover your relationship from this great. If not...I am sorry but it will work out how it is supposed to.

Good luck!

Answer 8

You were a bit controlling,but the boy's father was completely out
of line. It sounds like he has issues. After that,regardless of what
you decide to do about the boy,don't let that man back into your
house. Don't even talk to him if you can help it. Have no dealings
with him without a witness present-preferably a friend who will
back you up when he gets mouthy. Good luck.

Answer 9

It was wrong for them to take advantage of you. If the child decides to live under your roof, then he must live by your rules...no questions asked. I do not see it is not controlling if you have told him he cannot go every Friday. I have no children of my own, but what I have noticed is that parents have become less involved and less in control of their children's lives. Because of this loss of authority children are doing more extreme things in larger numbers than ever before. I have walked a fairly straight line because I was disciplined when I was young. When I became a teen, I knew rights and wrongs. I didn't ask more than a few times and only asked one parent...out or respect for the first parent's choice. My parents became lenient on me as I got older and I had no curfew because they trusted me (as well they should/could). Now my parents have died but I can only hope to be half the parent to my children as my parents were to me. They guided me and let me know their decisions were absolute and I came to respect their decisions and them for that.

The father's decision to say what type of person you are is his own short sightedness. It could be out of regret that his child chose you over him....not sure about that. But he should speak with an educated tongue to expres his thoughts and not resort to foul language...especially in front of the child. It sounds like you should be sure the child knows that if he chooses to live with you then he is choosing to live by yourr ules and follow your decisions. If he is unable to do so then let him know exactly what you are thinking about it. Above all, you are the elder and should be respected as one.

Answer 10

Control issues in the extended family are the absolute worst things to fight about. Back up and look at your situation and see if you are being set up to be the BAD GUY in this disagreement. If you feel that you are, get out of it NOW. If your rules are not being followed let someone else take the fall for it. It's not worth your own sanity to let outsiders beat up on you for what you want.

Answer 11

No, Honey. You were right in what you did. If he wanted to come and live with you, he had to learn to live by your rules. If he didn't like it so much, he should have went back to his parents. It was wrong for his father to call you those names and insult you. It's your house, your rules. He has no authority to under mind you in any way. I would have done exactly what you did. Don't feel bad for it. Be glad you stood your ground instead of letting someone walk all over you.