What am i doing wrong?

Question

my boyfriend has been thru a lot in his life, things i haven't been thru so find it difficult to understand. i've tried so hard 2 be there 4 him with as much support as i can give but the closer we get the more arguments he picks and i feel like he's pushing me away. i make allowances because of the things he's dealt with but don't know where to draw the line! i love him and believe he loves me but always end up feeling inadaquate as a girlfriend and don't feel this is fair, i haven't spoken to him about this yet as i don't want 2 appear selfish. any advice very welcome

Answer 1

Hi there. Firstly, let me commend you on your support for your boyfriend- it's refreshing to see someone so committed to someone else, especially in a world where infidelity is so high.
What you need to start to realise, is that because your boyfriend has been through so much he may find expressing himself, or opening up about it extremely hard. You are his present and future, a time in his life much easier than the past. You don't need to understand what he has been through, you just need to be there. Asking questions, asking how he felt, telling him it wont happen again, they all draw him back into the past. What you need to do is not mention anything about the past, you weren't there, you are what is happening in the NOW.
About you making allowances, you really shouldn' have to. By the sounds of it, your boyfriend hasn't quite got over what happened to him. Therefore he needs space. When he starts getting 'distant', instead of staying around, thinking you are supporting him, it will just cause an argument. He has pent up feelings, you are feeling under appreciated. It's only natural.
Walk away, into another room, while he thinks, while he has his space. I don't mean 'space= breaking up' I mean space as in a few minutes, an hour, whatever he needs.
I truly know how you could feel inadequate. You want to take all his pain away, but you need to accept that however much you love him, sometimes we need to make peace with things for ourselves.
I would arrange something special for him, with no word of the past or how he may shut himself off from you. Just have fun, the two of you, reignite the fire that brought you together. This will relax him. No negativity, no questions, no nothing, just the two of you.
Stay positive, us women can really analyse situations, so instead of reading too much into things and thinking he can't love you because he's being distant, realise that men deal with things differently.
Again, I commend you for being so supportive and sticking by your man through thick and thin. One day he will wake up and realise what an angel he has in you.

Answer 2

You don't say what kind of allowances you're making... I think you need to talk to him. This wouldn't be a selfish thing to do at all because there are two people in this relationship and you have needs too. (I wouldn't suggest you put it like that though, as he's obviously feeling very sensitive right now. Just explain that you want be there for him but that you find it hard to do that when you argue with each other.)

The talk might encourage him to stop taking his hurt out on you (i.e picking arguments). Or it may well be that he can only sort this out on his own and will keep pushing you away and, if this happens, you'll probably have to let him go.

Answer 3

Dear,
In Love you do not draw a line, however, you can buy your way through him by approaching him later when his nerves are down, concerning the issues of argument. Please try and talk things out with him about you two getting Married because our Creator GOD made us Man and Wife. As his wife, there is certainly going to be some resposibility on him to also give allowance for you.
GOD bless you.

Ebimobowei Abel Aboh,
Niger Delta, Nigeria.

Answer 4

Now I have been though things no man will ever understand, such as open heart surgery, heart problums and I'm not even 21. When a guy wants to support me I just ask he be there. The best thing you can do is be there for him, and if he pushes away, maybe let him have his space. If you admit you wont fully understand to be honest with you girl you never will understand fully less you been there. And whatever you do DO NOT EVER SAY "I know what your going through," I always hated it when people said that to me when i was in the hospital. "I know what your going through I broke my arm last year had to be laid up for a while." Yes becouse a broken arm realy relates to heart surgery, so please don't say that. But just be there for him don't force it let him know when he is ready to talk that your ready to listin.

Answer 5

i have a friend who is the exact same way, and he does the same thing to his girlfriend... but he isnt very smart so i cant tell him the valuable info i willl tell you

if he is anything like my friend, he probably never had a good bond with his mother... so in his life he has never had a good female bond..... this is the reason he is pushing you away... not because he wants to, but because he is scared....
I am a guy, and have not had to go through this thank god, but somehow you need to convence him that you wont hurt him if he lets you close, i took a class on relationships at my college, and it helped me alot with the problems i had in relationships, but i only listened to the things that affected me so i cant help you there... you might consider finding an interpersonal class to attend, and ask a professional how to do this...

the only advice i can give you is dont try to get to close to him until you have the proper "tools" to work with, otherwise you might push him away.. i watched my friends girlfriend, who loved him sooo much do it , and they havent talked in 2 and a half months... yet she still considers herself his girlfriend....

Best of wishes

Answer 6

Firstly, it is not your fault - remember that. If he has been through stuff that affects his ability to relate to others - particularly someone who should be close - like yourself - then he should try speaking to a counsellor. People are basically very unsure about that type of thing - but it often helps - simply by letting yourself understand what you are doing and why. Don't be pushy or overly smothering - but don't feel you have to keep your distance either. HE needs to deal with it - not you. Ok?! Take care.

Answer 7

You know what? Sometimes it does no good to sympathize with or coddle people who have been through a lot of crap in their life. I've been through a lot too and I have just decided that it is the past and I'm leaving it there. I am moving forward without the burden of carrying that sh-it with me. It's up to him to make the decision to not let the bad things that happened to him shape the rest of his life. The more he wallows in it the less progress he'll make in his efforts to get out of it. Stop coddling him and instead, lovingly encourage him to leave it behind.
Good luck to you both.

Answer 8

Stop trying so hard. He will share with you as much as he feels comfortable with.
Don't let his 'issues' become an excuse for being treated badly - no matter what a person has been through, it doesn't give them the right to be a bastard to others.

Answer 9

My god love, if you check out some of my recent questions that I have posted you will see that I have had similair issues to you!

Please read the answers and you may find that you get some help from them!

Good luck - keep smiling and believe me honey it WILL get better

Answer 10

Talk