What do I tell my daughter when she asks about her father?

Question

My daughter is nearly three. About 2 months ago her father stopped showing up to visit her. We are now staying with my sister and my daughter sees her cousin's interactions with her dad and how much time he spends with her. My daughter has said several times, "my Daddy's sleeping." But yesterday she said "I need Dad; I want Daddy: where is he; where's Ken?" I told her I didn't know and left it at that. I have enormous guilt for giving him another chance and letting him hurt her again. It doesn't look like he is seeking any visitation, and I was worried he would in order to have access to me. I can not find out for sure because his lawyer won't say and I do not have an attorney of my own and can't afford one. Yes, I did call Legal Assistance but they are over-burdened and will not appoint an attorney in this case since there is no property to divide(!)

Please give me some ideas how to handle my daughter's questions. I do know not to burst into tears but thats what I feel like doing.

In the past I have discussed with my husband the possibility of him volunteerily terminating his parental rights. This is what I want. Well, no, I want my husband to be able to love us but he can't. So I don't want him to keep trying to go in and out of our lives. He and his family can be quite vicious. I have seen how they operate. I don't want them rearing their ugly heads in the future trying to take my kids from me. The brother uses drugs and is perhaps a sociopath and the sister appears to be raising a pedophile (teenager who is somehow getting sexual gratification using diapers. kid actually purchased diapers-long story) The scarey part is my husband thinks he should be allowed to take my daughter around these monsters. I feel they lost that right when they made a fraudulent claim to D.C.F. purely for spite. The sister has had a lot of dealings with D.C.F. I had to be investigated mandatory); They would not close the investigation because my husband would not take a drug test...

Speedo, I answered your question about favorite outfit on your spouse. In reading it you must have some idea how much I love my husband and how hard I tried. There were some really appalling things happening but I would have kept working at it if he would have showed up for counseling. One of the last broken promises had to do with this Imago therapy weekend workshop we were supposed to attend. Second time we were supposed to attend it. I offered to see a priest with him, a rabbi, whatever he wanted. Would have done ANYTHING to make it work except accept the lies, betrayals, no-shows, constant criticism, the viciousness of his family and two successive masogynist, latent homosexual friends with hidden agendas. I could go on and on but you will never understand what was good or how the illness (on my part) was to keep trying and trying to get it right as if it was in my power. As Sandra Bullock's character says in HOPE FLOATS, "I would have turned myself inside out...." and was.

Answer 1

I was in your daughter's situation when I was two years old. I'm a teenager now and I accept that the situation is not my fault. The way my mom handled it was she told me (when I started asking about it) that my dad stopped coming for a reason only known to himself, and I may or may not see him again. But I should know that she is still there for me and it's not my fault that he did what he did. Show your daughter that despite the abandonment, you still love her and you are still there for her. Although your daughter is young, you need to tell her the truth about everything, despite the fact that you may cry. Maybe showing emotion is a good way to give light to the situation, because you don't want her to catch you crying at night or something like that.

Answer 2

It is difficult to answer this question since there are a lot of details missing.Your daughter is very young to understand the gravity of the situation let alone deal with it. It is just natural for children to ask for their missing parent.
You have to ask a lot of questions to yourself wether you gave your marriage the best you could or was there some loose end some where.Three yrs of marraige and it has come to a dead end is quite a disaster. Personaly speaking a lot of marriages that go to docks can be saved if we think a little bit moore sensibaly than we do. No councilour or marriage cousultant can save your marriage thats for sure he can just compromise.But the ultimate day to day living has to be done by the couple themselves.
If the situation is such that seperation can not be avoided then you have to think about your survival and how you are going to provide for your child.Staying at your sisters for the time being is ok but this cannot be a permanent arraingement. look ahead and plan your future sitting down and crying will not help the problems go away. Your child is young and if you decide to get married again it will be easy for her to get adjusted to. If you choose to be a single parent then better start prepraing yourself cos its all the way up hill from here on its not that you are the first woman for it but its not easy either.
God will never put you in a situation where you cannot come out of. He knows all our limitations very well.Do the best you can and leave the rest to hiom he will carry you out of it in his arms.

Answer 3

I always told my daughter(once she was around three she started wondering why everyone else had a daddy and she didn't) about her father. They even talked for a while and then he quit talking to her. This has gone on for way too many years now. I told her that I don't know why he doesn't talk to her or see her, but that I love her and am always here for her. I told her he is missing out because she is a beautiful person inside and out. The last time she wanted to call him, I told her that if he didn't return the call(of course had to leave a message), that we would not call anymore.

It's always hard, you just need to let her know that you are there for her anytime she needs to talk, and just tell her the truth when she asks... you don't know. I know she's only three, but it is best to tell her now(in a way she can understand). Like I said my daughter was 3 when the q's started and now she's seven. The questions don't stop and I believe the best policy is honesty. Good luck.

Answer 4

Wow, another dead beat dad! To make a long story short, I did have a friend who has a 3 year old daughter. He kept making promises and never followed through. Her mother, which is good friends with my wife, told Skyler (daughter) the truth. She is young enough, but yet old enough to form an opinion that her daddy doesn't want to be around. She is a smart little girl. I told her I would be her pretend daddy. I have a son that is the same age as her. They are so cute together.

I wish you the best in this. I just wish for childrens sake, this stuff didn't have to happen.

Answer 5

I don't agree to tell her all this information. She is far too young to understand. Her Dad sounds like an S.O.B and if you portray him like he is, it sounds like you are bashing him which will bite you in the butt when she gets a little older.

First try to let him know that dispite your problems, his daughter needs him and that Daddy issues are very damaging.

I would reccomend to tell her that everyone including Daddy loves her very much, just sometimes not everyone can see her all of the time. (mention another relative that she doesn't see often.) Make ABSOLUTELY certain that she does NOT think that his absence has anything to do with her. It may be hard to make him sound innocent, but anything else will make her blame herself. Maybe find another single mom with a child her age so your daughter will see that she is not the only little girl that doesn't see Daddy all the time.

It would also be great for the both of you if you met a wonderful man that could treat you with the respect that your daughter needs to see as an example of what she can expect someday.

Answer 6

She is so young that right now you can tell her a kiddie version of the truth. My father was never in the picture when I was a kid and now that we know each other he has come to regreat it. Tell her that you don't know where daddy is right now but wherever he is he loves you. He may not come back soon and just because he doesnt does not mean he doesnt care about you. Some daddys just cant be good enough daddies when they need to be and he just isnt a good daddy right now. So he left you with your Mommy who loves you very much. I know that sounds kind of dunb but she is a small child. Later on you can tell her when she is old enough to understand that it takes a real man to be a DAD but anu=yone can be a father. You can tell her that he just wasn't up to the responsibility and that isnt her fault, maybe by then you will meet a man that is a positive influence in her life. My mom has crappy taste in men so my grandfather was always my father figure. Don't worry so much about it now, you will be ok.

Answer 7

Be totally honest but let her know it is not her fault. It's not anyone's fault except the one that left. She should never be filled with stories or excuses just to make it seem better. One day she will look him up any how... I hope what you do tell her isn't to knock her father down. No matter what a mother says about a childs father, the child will always want to find out the truth. I hope that you let her know she is very loved and perhaps the father is not feeling responsible enough to have a relationship with his daughter at that time. It's a tangled web to have to deal with that. Honesty is the best policy.

Answer 8

The poor child! Lot of dead beats out there eh? Just tell her Daddy is busy right now. Maybe the cousins dad can kind of step in and treat her like a daughter. You know many great kids are from a single parent home. I wouldn't make an issue of this in front of the child. Just let her know how much she is loved by you and family. Shame though!

Answer 9

Right now she's only three, there isn't anything you can tell her to comfort her. It's your actions that will comfort her, how you act when she says something and how you do as a parent. Children understand actions better than words. If you do what you can for her now, she'll be better off in the future and won't even need the words to explain. As long as she knows you're there, and you love her and you'll take care of her, everything will be just fine.

Answer 10

Awwww, that sounds so tough! I'm sorry you are in such a tough situation. I know it must be hard...in my opinion, I think you should just tell her that her dad is on a trip, or he's not in town right now. Don't blame yourself for his mistakes! I know it's not right to lie, but when the time is right and she is a little older, she will understand why she was told what she was. Just don't make the mistake of telling her about her father when she is older...she does have the right to know. But at the age of 3 she won't understand right now. I hope things get better for you, and I know in time they will. All things heal over time. Just keep your head high!!!