What should I do about my step father?

Question

Ok my mum got married 5 years ago.I never knew my biological father,and now my mum and step father have had a kid of their own.His family hate me, and when mum isn't in the room he give me dirty looks , takes over the room e..g. switch telly over without asking etc, we have a physical and verbal fight, and then when she is away he dotes over my half brother and totally ignores me or he tries to act like my father lay down the law but when he does it's always quite unresonable and when i refuse we have a verbal fight and really want to scream at him "YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!" but never can. I've spoken to my mother about this but she believes I'm being melodramatic, although they have been close to divorce. So please help!

I'm irish can't divorce my parents and under legal age

We both hit ,kick,bite each other

His family hates me and my mother when we come to visit it's always about my half brother because he's family and i'm the daughter of a skanky hoe who got pregnant and then married their sweet little ball o' sunshine

Answer 1

Oh mate!
Ok. Here's what I've learnt, through living with an alcoholic stepfather.

1. I don't know how old you are, but you seem to be caught in a vicious circle. You come across as resentful of him, he has, after all gate-crashed you cosy life with mom. You have probably got used to having a lot of things your own way, and suddenly having to share (your mom, your home and everything in it) takes some adapting to.
It probably wasn't easy for him either - especially if you've been kicking his ankles every inch of the way, in the vain hope that he'd disappear. This is typical behaviour of others in your position and I say this because your own mom (instead of defending you) thinks you are being 'melodramatic' remember, she knows you better than anybody

2. It seems obvious that there is no conflict between him and your half brother. How you see him behave with him, is how he could behave with you. Adults have an entirely different perspective on things and what seems perfectly unreasonable to your mind, may not be to his. His filthy looks for example may be in response to all the ones that you have given him over the years...Not what you want to hear though...

3. Taking over the room etc. is typical adult behaviour - they pay the bills and think they have a right to everything. That's life

4. Having dealt with all that, you have got to get through the next 'x' amount of years in his company. The best thing you can do (for yourself) is not let him get to you. Stay calm always (no matter what it costs you). If he really is tormenting you (or bullying) for sport, not giving him a reaction will frustrate him far better than anything you could come up with.

5. Take a deep breath and try being nice to him - see what happens - but don't be surprised if he is suspicious or sarcastic at first - there is a lot of history between you two already. When he married your mother, he took you on too because he loves her. You do not have an automatic right to his unconditional love -but you can earn it.

6. Look to the future, you may not have known your real dad, but you have the chance to make this one proud of you rather than resentful.

7. You can never change his family's opinion of you and your mother. Only then can, and they're obviously real cosy with keeping you on the outside. Rise above it. If he is aware of their hostility and isn't prepared to do anything about it - he's letting you both down and badly.
That is an issue for your mother to address. you have enough to contend with.

If any of this gets through, show this answer to your mum and ask her what she thinks of it, and what the best way forward will be. She will respect and applaud your maturity and do everything she can to smooth the way.


Good luck

Answer 2

If you're step father is laying his hands on you then he is physically abusing you.... he is an adult and you are a child and it is an offence for him to attack you in this way.... when he does it again, call the police and have him charged.

I would suggest when your mum leaves the room, you leave too, ignore his behaviour of turning the TV over and avoid him.
Tell your mother, that you will not take any direction from him and if they want you to do something then it must come from her and not from him, then you must listen to her.

Can you confide in a grandparent or auntie or another close family relative... failing that, then speak to a teacher or a social care worker about your issues.

Also, make sure that you are not deliberately being difficult because you don't approve of your mothers relationship...

Answer 3

When it comes to (step)parent-child relationships, especially for a teenager [which I am assuming you are], I believe it's best to examine each person's motivation. A teenager might think they are being treated unfairly (a may well be) but the motives of the adult may be just. Protecting their offspring to the point where a teen feels like they are being treated like a young child is a usual point of aggro.

You have to show how grown up you are - before you have an argument or fight, think why they may have said/acted in that way and try to make a mature response. You will then be in a position to demand respect as an adult and discuss calmly and sensibly your problems/issues.

It may help to keep a diary of events, or just how you feel, so you can express yourself in some way.

You said he "dotes over my half brother and totally ignores me or he tries to act like my father lay down the law". Taking on a stepchild is usually difficult for both parties. Both have to come to terms with "you're not my father" and "I'm now in the position of your father". Remember you don't get a manual on how to be a father, and when you are thrust into suddenly having a grown up child, it can be difficult for both. His experience of a father was probably "you do as I say now" and he did it because he accepted that person in that role. He then tries it with you, and you haven't accepted him, and problems arise. He may have given up the battle with you and started afresh with his "own" child.

You both may have to change your approaches to the relationship. It looks like a Father-Child one may not work. Are you old enough to start a more mature, dare I say it, friends type relationship?

Remember to be mature, and keep talking to your mum. Hope this has helped.

Answer 4

I hate to judge your mum but love can make people blind, or even if it is not love it maybe that she feels secure having your step father around.
I actually feel guilty sometimes as I have been with the love of my life for 16 years and we have 2 daughters together, yet he will always come second to me. If I was given a choice I would pick my girls first every time. but that is me and everyone is different,

I just hope the situation you are in doesn't leave you scarred as you will be affected in your adulthood.

Answer 5

If your mother ignores you or if she doesn't look in to it, she prefers her husband over you. I have been in that situation and slightly still going through it. Not having your real father around can cause a lot of pain. I knew my father when I was 7-9 years old and we see each other a couple times over the years and said to say, he died last year. Now my mother is married and I have to live with them is a lot of burden for because I hate her husban and he totally hates me. We often get into verbal fight over everything because he is a dang asshole. He threatens to kick me out but I tell him that I can walk out anytime. So you see, he is taking advantage of you not having your father around.

Answer 6

OMG this is weird.. I pretty much have the exact same problem! What i do is just totaly ignore him and dont give him the satisfaction of thinking he's better then me.. Coz he aint! Another thing i do that pissz him off is hide the remote, get my half bro on my side (teach him to b1tch back at his da).. Once when my mother were away he kept me off school coz i threatened not to come back so i rang the school and got him in bother.. It felt good! Hun i know exactly where your coming from.. Just try not to retaliate.. He realy hacked me off 1 night when he said no wonder your father left you.. So i gave out sh1t back and told him to fcuk off.. It makes you feel better but in the long-run its worthless.. I dont get on with any of his family except his sister.. When they come around for Christmases etc he trys to be all nice to me but i just throw him a look and ignore him coz its 2 faced..
I guess what i'm trying to say is your not alone..
Think about what you do before you do anything like tell him he's not ur da.. I did that once and got in trouble over it.. If i could advise you one thing is try not to turn out like us.. We dont look at each other anymore except when we b1tch and i can tell it kills my mother.. I know it'll be hard and i wish you the best of luck but try swallow your pride and make him sit down and listen to what you have to say.. Dont cry coz if he's anything like mine he'll be delighted.. If you don't think you'll be able then write all your feelings down and hand him the note.. You could also try have a diary of all the annoying things he does and then show it to him & your mother (or leave it somewheree she will find it)..
It is hard i know how you feel..
Good luck and hope everything turns out well 4 u!x

Answer 7

I hate to say it, but unless you want to go down the whole solicitor / social services route the best thing to do is cut yourself off from them as much as poss.

Live your own life, study, get a great (amazing) job and when you're sitting on the sun-deck of your luxury house with everything you could hope for, you can ignore their *** and know that you won in the end.

Sorry if that seems petty; but its a nice image.

Answer 8

try to talk to an adult you can trust ( a school counselor, a teacher, a reverend/priest, a relative - one who will likely NOT take sides)......
you give us your story but of course we dont know the other side of the coin (your stepfather must be pulling hairs with your behavior too)...
one have suggested about putting a recorder or camcoder hidden somewhere, you can try and use that but be careful....
the thing is.....you have to let someone know that your stepfather is hurting you physically (unless of course the first punch came from you...that's entirey a different story...but still)
he may not be your biological father...but hey, where is that chap anyway???.....so I dont think that's a good ponit to elaborate......a lot of kids can say that their stepfather have been their only father.......
try to keep your temper...don't provoke him....love your mom...love your brother....try and accept him as a father within reason....if he puts down rules (as most fathers will)....try to discuss those rules with him (calmly, reasonably)......if things still don't work and he keeps being disgusting to you report him to the police and make sure you have EVIDENCES......this will also show "his" family what a piece of **** their lit'l ball of sunshine is!

Answer 9

I really don't have any idea!

Is there someone at school that you feel ok talking to about this, or an Aunty or a relative that will listen-then voice the problem to your mum on your behalf? I know that with my sister having 9 kids, if one of them wants their mum (or mum&dad!) to know how they are feeling or that they are in trouble...they seem to turn up at my house, teoll me everything-then remember to tell me the bit about their parents not knowing etc...leaving it to me to break the news...(like my niece being pregnant and she was only 15!!) Or you could try reasoning with you mum & step dad, explaining that you feel pushed out and all that?I'll tell your mum if you want! Somehow, she needs to know how you feel inside, just how much this is dragging you down. I dont know what else to advise you....

Good luck. xxx

p.s i meant the bit about me telling your mum!
email me if you want to talk - [e-mail]

Answer 10

just walk in the room very confident, and be independant, but also keep a relationship with your mother so he knows he can't cause problems between you two, whenever he is around just stay positive, and show him that he is not important to you an you have better things in your life than having a negative attitude by not arguing with him you will look more mature and and not in a sad place like him.