How do i even begin to regain my trust in the opposite sex?

Question

I know i will need some time to get myself together. How will i know when I am ready? i haven't been with another man other than my ex -husband, i was with him for 15 yrs. I am only 33 and i feel like an old bitter woman. He really did a number on me. My self esteem, my self woth ,my ability to use my common sense is all shot to hell. How do i stop seeing all of the bad that can happen & start to see hope?? Most of the time i just want to fall asleep & never wake up.

Answer 1

Sweetie, having gone through a lousy first marriage to a man who reduced my self esteem to nearly non existent, I offer you these words.

As difficult as a divorce is and as hard as it is to regain your self esteem and NOT be bitter or angry or hate yourself, you need to change your attitude and use this time to carefully reassess what YOU want and need in a relationship with a man. You need to determine what kind of man you want in a relationship: do you want someone who actively talks to you and listens, do you want someone who is honest and forthright with his feelings, do you want someone who honors and respects YOU for the WOMAN you are, flawed and imperfect like all of us are, or do you want someone who just wants superficiality, a perfect little woman who will cater to his needs? This is the first step. Analyze what went wrong in your marriage and THINK about it.

Right now you also need to assess your own responsibilities towards the dissolution of your marriage. I know, I know - you probably think I am nuts here, but having gone through this myself, I had to think about what I DID to contribute to its failure. At first I blamed him for everything. HE was the bad guy, the jerk, the moron, and the idiot, but when I got to thinking about it, I realized - dare I confess this - that I contributed to our problems as much as he did. Once I did this a lightning bolt hit me and I realized, wow...it took two to tango. One person is not at fault, we both are. Additionally, once you get to this point you can actively forgive HIM and YOU for your marital problems. If you don't, you simply won't move on and you will remain stuck and bitter and OLD. (as a note: I worked very hard on this. I am 50 and I look 15 years younger - it's attitude honey, all attitude. And my friends who are going through a divorce but who don't do this? My dear, they look and act OLD.)

Seek counseling, and preferably with a person who specializes in separation and divorce. Sometimes therapists will over counseling on a sliding scale, which helps if you are worried about money. If they also offer group counseling sessions, go for it and especially if it is a small group, with 7 or 8 women. I did this and it was AMAZIING! Being with others like me helped me to realize I was not alone, crazy, ugly, stupid, mean, or anything else. There is strength in unity and togetherness. These women are my truest sisters. I am grateful to them and my therapist for the loving support and commaraderie they offered me 10 years ago. They kept me alive, emotionally afloat and helped me heal the wounds I had.

Finally, get to KNOW YOU. You are not the same woman you were when you married this man, nor are you the same woman you were when the marriage fell apart. Traumas change us and they force us to look at ourselves - who we are NOW, what we think, feel, need, desire. Use this time to think about yourself and the woman you are today, right now, this minute. What are your interests, ideas, beliefs? Get reacquainted with you. You might be thrilled with the results.

Get out and do things. Remain involved in the business of life and do not sit home alone in the dark, crying for the failure of the marriage. Everyone hurts when they get separated and divorced, even those of us who made the decision to leave - it hurts and it changes our lives and ourselves in huge, huge ways. It forces us to face the music and ourselves, honestly. Divorce IS an ending; it IS a kind of death - of a life and lifestyle once shared, of dreams and plans left unfulfilled, of comfort and ease of living with someone we know so well. But it isn't the end of the world - it CAN AND IS A BEGINNING. So go out, see girlfriends, and take yourself to the movies. I did -I went to see "How Stella Got Her Groove Back " ALONE (terrified and scared at first) when it came out years ago and I had the best time. I got reacquainted with the woman I was when I was single, before I married - my independent self - and I loved it! I had soooo much fun. The one thing I will urge you to be careful about is spending a lot of money on things...I blew so much money on stuff I didn't need - to fill my ache - I was ALMOST BROKE.

Get out - get your hair cut and styled. Get it highlighted or dyed if you can afford it. Get a manicure and a pedicure, or maybe a massage - do it with your best friend or someone who is in your corner and is supportive. Find a hobby. Paint, draw, read, write. join an online divorce support group. Make friends. Love yourself. You are beautiful and worthy.

Don't date as yet. It's too soon. You aren't ready. It will come in time. The key is to love yourself now, and to honor who you are. It's okay to move on. It's okay to feel lousy or depressed or lonely. It's normal. But remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel so reach for it and it will come.

With best wishes from a "sister" in spirit...believe you can survive and thrive because YOU WILL

PS: 4 years after my divorce I joined an online dating club and met my 2nd husband. We met in March 2000 and married in September 2000 - the beauty of it? We are soul mates! If I hadn't done the work I have suggested you do, I would not be with him now.

Answer 2

Wellllll...it sounds like you realize there is a problem and i think that first you should seek the advice of a counselor
Not all men are bad, there are many good ones out there.
I lived in a home with a father that had a horrible temper and then I ended up marrying a man that was mentally abusive as well. Yeah, my self esteem crumbled, but I realized that not all men are bad and that not all men are to be feared.
I went to counseling. Remember counseling only helps if you allow it to and listen to what is being told.

Answer 3

Well, maybe the first step is to accept responsibility for who and what you are today...stop crying about an ex husband and all he did to you. That was then, today you have no excuse! You are still the same person you were before you were married...nothing has changed inside you. Realize you have great self worth, are smart, eager to do whatever is necessary to get yourself moving, and do it! It is you that is wallowing in self pity. Trust me, you are not going to go anywhere on that street. When you are sick to death of being depressed, you are going to do the moving..so why wait...start today. If you do not get your shi* together, what good are you going to be to the most important person in the world...YOU! Stop with the blame, accept responsibility, and move forward now. Good luck

Answer 4

Unfortunately You have assume the position that you have some responsibilty for the actions of your unfaithful spouse. The truth is that he doesn't have a clue of what commitment is and because you really do believe in marriage and commitment, you have done all kinds of things and made all kinds of compremises
to preserve a relationship you hold Dear. Well it's not your issue and you're a good and committed Woman. Hold your head up and walk proud, cause you're not a fool or a chump, you're just a Good Woman attempting to hold something together that you can't do by yourself. Life goes on...Enjoy it.

Answer 5

Get yourself straight first. Know what you need in a relationship and why. If it is for reasons that set you right back in the same situation you need to do some changing. Only you can do that. Otherwise, you'll be setting yourself up for more of the same. Talk to someone professional or get a self help book, there's thousands of them out there and all quite good.

Answer 6

Sorry you feel this way. But, you must live again. It will be hard, but you are worth living and deserve to be loved. In time the right man will come along and you will be ready to love again. Let your past be your past. Try to let go of the bitterness and find joy in everday things. I hope you do wake up, nobody should die feeling unlove.

Answer 7

Your feelings are not unique among women and men alike.
The events that happened to you will strike a nerve for the rest
of your life for sure, but do not give up. These experiences
make you stronger trust me. I know women who suffer
from exactly what you are stating in your question. They have
been able to go on, with perseverance, to reclaim their lives
and yes, meet good guys.
If you care to chat [e-mail]

Answer 8

Let go.You are not wrong for trusting. We teach people how to treat us by what we allow. Set your Boundaries and enforce them. Choose to be responsible for your own happiness. Create the space from nothing for the kind of love you want to grow.Leave all the old baggage behind you and move forward. Peace.

Answer 9

Date other people.

Answer 10

Start going out with your friends. Give it a few months, you'll see how much different that you'll feel. It's not too hard being independent. If you've made it this far then you can go a little farther. Bet you'll find out that you're too good for him anyway.