How long would you go with sexless marriage?

Question

When the husband is a nice person but there is something wrong with him and you can't quite figure out what it is. He avoids, rejects sex with you. He says he will try but nothing happens. He dosn't want to go see doctor or therapist. He says he maybe depressed.

He is not cheating on you.

He never has sex with you.

sexless for 5 years.

Answer 1

I guess it just depends how important sex is to you. You can annull marriages if they haven't been consumated. Maybe he is depressed, maybe he has issues stemming from childhood about sex, some people just aren't in to it, but there's usually an underlying cause. Did he ever show interest in sex? Has he ever had sex with anyone else? I would (though I'm sure you have) have the be all end all talk with him, let him know how you feel and what he needs to do to fix it. If he's not willing to compromise or look into his problems, then that's pretty selfish and I'd say you've been pretty patient for five years. There's not much you can do if someone doesn't want help or doesn't want to admit their problem. Good luck though! I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

Answer 2

If my husband reads this category and recognizes my name, I'm dead, but here it goes.

He's a great guy, but never really was interested in sex--even when we were first dating & then married. I had the stronger sex drive, but he was the perfect guy for me in so many other ways, I learned to sublimate my desires. That is, until one day I realized it had been 10 years without sex and we were in separate bedrooms.

I knew he wasn't cheating--there were no symptoms or scenarios like working late or bowling with the guys or anything like that that would give him away. I realized he had lost interest in a lot of other things in his world besides. His job created a great deal of stress and with promotions & raises our lifestyle increased to where financial matters (retirement plans, bigger house, better vacations, children's education) weighed more on his mind. We weren't in debt--he was just very conscientious about saving for our future.

I finally asked if he had a "hands-on" policy (for himself, if you get my meaning) rather than be with me. He just glared at me (probably the proper response), but did admit it had been longer than he'd realized. He admitted to being depressed and saw his doctor. She agreed he showed the symptoms of depression, but also had his pituitary gland checked. It showed a lower level of testerone than normal. He then saw an endocrinologist who tested him for a possible tumor of the gland and other causes. When results came back negative, he was put on medication that would lift his libido. Within a very short time you could tell the difference.

The problem with men is they don't want to admit their sex drive might not be what it used to be. You don't say how old you both are which could make a difference. Some people slow down sexually with age. Is he a recent returning war vet? Have you tried interesting him with new lingerie, flirting, sexually teasing like trying different rooms of the house or times of the day? If you haven't, maybe you should try it. If it still doesn't work, and he won't go for counseling with you, go yourself. And check out the adult stores for toys you can buy to amuse yourself, or maybe a video you could watch together. If you're too embarrassed to go into one of those places, try going with a trusted friend or look into reputable catalog businesses run by women. Go to the internet and look up marital aids or sex toys or sex catalogs (I think one is called Adam & Eve). Just be careful, some of them do sell your name so check the privacy guidelines before ordering.

Another thought: in this world of privacy concerns, if he works for a government agency or a business that does work for the govt, he may not want to go for counseling because he may be afraid it could affect his security clearance. Chances are it won't, but admitting he has a problem may be a good reason for him not to want counseling. If he would prefer, maybe your local pastor/priest could help.

Answer 3

I agree with "goldie" down the list of answers a bit. Good sound advice.

I have a low sex marriage, with my wife having no sex drive and I have a high sex drive. It is torture. I could live with sex every 7 to 10 days. She feels every two months if sufficient. Torture for about 10 years now.

Answer 4

poss problem is tha he does not find u attractive in that way he may have some deep seeded emotional problems something to do with his mother or he has an erectile disfunction that he is too embarrassed to talk with you about moreless a doctor these are all questions that you two need to get together on and get ironed out either with a doctor of the physical or emotional good luck

Answer 5

Get thee out of the house and head down to "toys are us'ins' Buck up your nerve, buy the batteries, get in bed WITH him and flip the switch. Have a ball. WHo knows, maybe, without the pressure of having to live up to anything, he will get into it. PLAYTIME is back, just with different equipment. So what! Different strokes for different folks. Now, if he is replused...then screw him and the horse he doesn't ride in on! It may be "til death do us part," but no one said anything about a nunery, did they? There are more ways to skin a cat that you can count. And it may be the start of a great journey. All journeys start with the first step, so take yours to the toy shop. I am not going to go into reasons for his problems..he refuses to do anything about them..but no one said you have to follow suit. Good Luck

Answer 6

the first thought that would come to my mind is cheating but since he said depression i would definetly take him to a doctor or a counselor. and if he still refuses to go to either of them then i would go back to the cheating. what kind of man has something wrong with him in that area and doesnt want to fix it? even if he does have too much pride to go to the doctor. i say you need to sit down with him and seriously discuss your options and what his refusal to get it fix makes you think. let him know that you fear he doesnt want to go because of a different reason.

Answer 7

Maybe, he is sick or depressed. Most men don't like doctor's. How long has he been like this? Try to talk to him and tell him he is important to you and want him to be healthy and happy. Let him know you want to have a active sexlife with him and hopefully, he open up to the idea.

Answer 8

How long have you been married? Is he a man or only man on the outside? Does he have a relationship online? (men do not think that's cheating). You both need to see a counselor.

Answer 9

i don't know what you could do except encourage him to see a dr. if you are unhappy with this arrangment tell him he sees a dr or you call it quits, if he wants the marriage to survive he'll get off his butt and get some help. maybe he's gay? i'm not being mean, it happens.

Answer 10

I don't have an exact time frame, but I think if you go to therapy, and still it isn't fixed, you have a right to a normal sex life.