Should i tell her that i don't feel anything for her anymore?

Question

Been together for 8 years, married for 6. Got 2 kids. Had a hard time twice around november and then december when i learnt that she didn't trust me around any of my friends (most of my friends are female as i find it easier to get on with ladies than men). This led to 3 months of arguments, crying, fighting, till suddenly she said we can try again, but only after she'd been training elsewhere in the UK at least 250 miles away. I keep thinking that i'll be this wreck just staying together for the sake of the kids and making sure that they have 2 parents throughout their lives, but i can't see this working anymore. Another person at work has started taking an interest in me, but i can't find myself doing anything about it as i'm still attached to my wife, although i have dreamt about sneaking about and doing other things with other people (weather that means anything).

Answer 1

Wow, sounds rough. I'm a little confised though. In the beginning, you say that you don't feel anything for her anymore. Then at teh end, you mention this possible other woman, but say you can't find yourself doing anything about that as you're still attached to your wife.

I'd hazard a guess that if you can't see yourself having an affair, then you probably do still feel something for her, just not what you felt for her at first. Having feelings suggests to me that there is probably still hope.

A very honest, and very carefully planned discussion may be in order, perhaps at a nice restraunt, if you think you can say what you need to without having her leave. If you don't think that's possible, maybe there's some things you don't need to say right away, or maybe she's the one without the feelings, and there's less hope than I thought.

I see you mention training. perhaps there's some sort of government/miltary/corporate counselling assistance that might be of use. A lot of people just don't realize the level of maintenance and commitment that have to go into keeping a good relationship together, and talking to a pro, or even an amateur, can often do a world of good.

If you're sure there's no hope, you might as well save some trouble, and end it now. If you're not sure, maybe you should ask her, and tell her what you're willing, and unwilling to do to make things better. Eight years is quite a commitment, and it's certainly not something I'd be willing to just walk away from without trying to keep something good of it.

Maybe you can't keep a perfect, happy, "normal" marriage, but I'd be willing to bet that there's a lot of good things that have made it last this long, and which can make something worthwhile last a lot longer. Good luck.

Answer 2

Ok.. you said

i'm still attached to my wife, although i have dreamt about sneaking about and doing other things with other people (weather that means anything).

This means you still have feelings for her.. I think every male dreams about sleeping around, (females probably do it to) .. I think you need to first reflect and think why you fell in love, start treating your wife better and spending more time with her, she will come around and things will be good again, if you find you are having problems getting back to where you were then you may need to seek counseling. .. but 8 years is a lot to throw a way over a fling.. and you did state you are still attracted to your wife

Answer 3

Your wife should never feel that any other woman comes before her.. if you were a real man u'd realize that you took a vow to your wife, im so sick of hearing men that think just because they said the vows doesnt mean they have to own up to what they said.. Vows arent something u just say on your wedding day, their words that your suppose to live by.. Want a blunt word of advice.. Get rid of the girl friends, your wife is your family now they are just friends and if your wife feels that they come before her no wonder she's insecure, your job as a HUSBAND is to protect her and make her feel she's the only one for you, I mean that is why u married her to start with, to be JUST WITH HER..
So u cant handle making your wife happy, so u want to leave all together.. hummmm yep your poor kids.. wheres the male rolemodle they so need??? cause all your teaching them is when things get hard that its ok to run out on your family for a new piece of azz.. GROW UP.. OWN UP TO THE VOWS YOU TOOK, BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR CHILDREN.. maybe if you treated your wife as good as u do your female friends maybe she wouldnt drive u so crazy in the first place.

Answer 4

It sounds from the question that you really know what you want to do, you just dont want to do it.

If you decide to split: In my opinion, sometimes, children can get better parenting from two seperate parents who are happy, than two parents who are together but miserable. They will still have 2 parents, and maybe even 4 one day, so dont stay together just for them. Just dont make them choose between you, dont argue in front of them, keep them informed about whats going on, and dont start anything new with anyone until this is sorted out. Dont give up your friends for her, it will only make you miserable.

You dont have to decide immediatley, you can give it one more go if thats what you want. As long as you havent actually been unfaithful, dont worry about the dreams, everyone dreams about doing things with other people, they just dont act on it.

Talk to your wife again, properly. Discuss all the options. Good luck.

Answer 5

I have to agree with the folks who state that staying together for the sake of the kids is unhealthy. Children see themselves as a reflection of their parents so if you guys are miserable then they will be miserable. It is great if kids grow up in one household where the parents are happy as a couple but the next best situation is happy parents but apart. What you need to consider is what you want from your relationship with your wife, what you are not prepared to compromise to get it, what you are prepared to negotiate and what you are willing to give up to achieve your ideal. You should encourage your wife to do the same and then have a grown up conversation about it, this time if only for the sake of the kids. Arguing and crying will disturb them unduly so if you decide to split try to do so as amicably as you possibly can for their sakes as the upheaval will be difficult enough as it is.

Answer 6

If your unhappy then its not a nice place for your children to be either. Trust me im one of those grown up children whose parents stayed together for my sake and to be truly honest i wish they hadnt bothered. Im 33 now they split up when i was 14 and it would of been easier on me having 2 parents that actually liked each other and wanted to be together than staying together to do the right thing. Do whats best for everyone involved honesty is hard but do speak the truth to your wife.

Answer 7

I believe you should tell her as soon as possible, dont waste any more of your life unhappy. The kids will be ok. The only thing I warn you about is getting in a relationship immediately. Date A LOT. Have fun again. The fact that you have dreampt about other women means it has been over with the two of you for a while. It is not fair for either of you to continue this way.

Answer 8

You need to be honest. In 20 years time you're going to look back at your life and think 'what have I done?!' Tell your wife exactly how you feel and that her lack of trust has wrecked your relationship. You need to try to make it work, but not for the children - for you two. You need to have a go and really work hard at it, even if this means moving out for a while to remind yourself of what you could lose.
You dont know what until its gone but you need to be happy.

Answer 9

End the marriage. I've been married 8 years and would walk away if it turned into this. "Staying together for the kids" is a huge myth; if the parents are unhappy together the kids will be too.

You both need to move on, and you need to be honest with her. My husband and I both agreed that "til death do us part" meant the death of the relationship, not physical death. When it's over, it's over.

Answer 10

Its better to be honest, don't stay together just for the kids. Why both be unhappy together when you could both meet other partners and have fulfilling relationships. The kids will get more benefit from seeing you happy with other partners than having mum and dad at home argueing all the time.