hi anybody want to cheer me up feeling a bit down today??

Answer 1

Advice for females...

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME
WITH
THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT...THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

*************************

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

**************************

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are

you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the
sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

**************************

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

****************************

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

******************************

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

*******************************

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

************************************

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

************************************

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

***************************************

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

****************************************

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".

*****************************************

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (This one got extra
credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good
for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito,
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.


And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an
asshole

As I Mature I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big Willie
or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when
something isn't working in your house, one
of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me,
they'll appreciate it. Who knows maybe
something good will happen.
If not...tough ****.

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some
cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former
youthful glory, as her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low
and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had
taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now
being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and tuck there so
it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed
kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find
three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice"
"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation
went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Gosh, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such
a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first
time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"
"They're from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse.
"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.

_______________________________________________________


IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!

_______________________________________________________


IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

_______________________________________________________


IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

_______________________________________________________


IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

_______________________________________________________


IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.

_______________________________________________________


IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

_______________________________________________________

*and they walk among us
and REPRODUCE.
Kinda scary, huh?

Answer 2

Well feeling down for one day may be just your body (brain included)tryin to tell you its tired. I try to find something humorous to do when I feel this way. Practical jokes are usually the best form for this release. If at work, put Vaseline on the bosses doorknob just a fine coating so its not visible, and then sit back and watch. if that doesn't suit you try and find the coffee addict in the work place and superglue the cup to the table, not good enough you say well there's always this, it takes alittle planning go to drug store and get some allum mix this 50/50 with the sugar in coffee room and sit back and watch all the puckered faces. Everybody has a clean freak in the office you know everything in order all the time this is the one !! (best time for this is lunch hour) Take a new condom and open it unroll it after you spit in the tip (trust me they never investigate whats in the condom too freaked and pinging like a well hit golf ball in a tile bath room.) now leave the condom wrapper on the floor in front of the desk chair, drape the condum over the edge of the trash can. and move the items on the desk slightly as if you hurriedly straightened up after a quicky. Now in order to enjoy this one you have to go in the office and askif everything is all right with them when they ask why respond with I don't know but you look a little flushed
now if you are still down eat a chocolate bar and begin thinking of your own tricks to pull.

Answer 3

you want to know what I like to do when I feel down? Take a long bath, put a mudmask on some Tori Amos music and relax. I try to remeber how wonderful it can be to be a woman. Life is too short to waste it on being sad all the time, sure you get your moments of sadness, but just remeber it will pass. I also like to think of Johnny Depp or Wentworth Miller giving me a nice back message. Any way its the 4th of july (if your an american) you can celebrate your freedom, freedom which alot of unfortunate people dont have.

Answer 4

Get u'rself that song from Monty Python: Always Look on the bright side of life, and then sing along. Always cheers me up a bit.

Answer 5

Hi Summer,

This morning I woke up to find my favourite baby bird had died, then on the way to take my son to school, I saw a huge wild turtle which had been run over in the road....

I'm a bit down too, but it's all relative -

Just think about it, we have food, water, people who love us, and bad stuff happens to everyone, you can't help getting down about it, but count your blessings.

I'm guessing you're not starving, thirsty, or working 24 hrs solid just to stay alive...

SMILE - there are people much worse off!

Answer 6

Great thing about being down..... things can only get better !!!

Happy times come to those who challenge the bad ones. You have made a fantastic start today by posting your question. Well done.

Answer 7

There was an avatar called Grim,
Who's son looked up to him,
While in the school sports day dads' race,
He slipped and fell flat on his face,
And now he's feeling exceptionally dim.

(I broke my collarbone and two ribs!)

Answer 8

Hey gorgeous, the best way to feel better is to help a friend out....REALLY....it also helps to play good music.....You know what,....things always fall into place:) Look at how many people who have never met you want to make you feel better....Great Right!!!!!!!

Answer 9

Your name is Summer and this is your season - step outside, breathe the fresh air and feel the sun on your face. Hope you feel better soon.

Answer 10

when u r unhappy or sad just remember that you are alive,and healthy & those two things are what matters most.your family & friends love you,and u r u,every1 is special & unique in their own way...because theres only 1 of you,whats there to b sad about?Keep your head up & handle it:)