Your jokes??

Question

What are some of your jokes???? PLEASE KEEP THEM CLEAN.

Answer 1

As seen in a dog's diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!


As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
------------------------------...
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)
------------------------------...
Stories:
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your *** good-bye!
Have A Nice Day and
Be Careful With Your Donkey

Source(s):
Quotes:
We must either find a way or make one. -Hannibal
He that does evil that good may come, pays a toll to the devil to let him into heaven. -Hare and Charles
Always listen to experts. They're tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it. -Robert Heinlen
We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about. -Charles Kingsley
We do not inherit the earth from out parents. We borrow it from our children. -Native American proverb
Win without boasting. Lose without excuse. -Albert Payson Terhune
•Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
•Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
•People will accept your idea more readily, if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
•Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.
•A person is as big as the things that make him angry.
•In every organization there will be one person who knows what is going on....This person must be fired.
•Everything depends.
•For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
•All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
•Remember, pain is nature's way of reminding you who's in charge.
•You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.
•If you love what you do you'll never work another day in your life.
•The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.
•Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
•Common sense is not that common.
•When all else fails, read the instructions.
•Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays, it insists on it.
•If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be discarded.
•Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
•Observation: I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

I love this one: Try to see what no one else has seen. Try to think what no one else has thought.
Then you will be what no one else has been.
- John Dillow -
------------------------------...
Anything interesting:
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . .


No Jesus

No Christmas

No television

No cheerleaders

No baseball

No football

No hockey

No golf

No tailgate parties

No Wal-Mart

No Home Depot

No pork BBQ

No hot dogs

No burgers

No chocolate chip cookies

No lobster

No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

No gumbo

No jambalaya

No Beer

Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

More than one wife.

You can't shave.

Your wives can't shave.

You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else.

She smells just like your donkey.

But your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
------------------------------...
a poem for you to share:
Make Sense?
I cross ocean,
poor and broke,

Take bus,
see employment folk.

Nice man
treat me good in there,
Say I need
go see Welfare.

Welfare say,
"You come no more,

We send cash
right to your door."

Welfare checks,
they make you wealthy,

Medicaid
it keep you healthy!

By and by,
Got plenty money,

Thanks to you,
TAXPAYER dummy.

Write to friends
in motherland,

Tell them
'come, fast as you can'

They come in turbans
and Ford trucks,

I buy big house
with welfare bucks.

They come here,
we live together,

More welfare checks,
it gets better!

Fourteen families,
they moving in,

But neighbor's patience
wearing thin.

Finally, white guy
moves away,

I buy his house,
and then I say,

"Find more aliens
for house to rent."

In my yard
I put a tent.

Send for family
they just trash,
...
But they, too,
draw welfare cash!

Everything is
very good,
Soon we own
whole neighborhood.

We have hobby
it called breeding,

Welfare pay
for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?

We get free!
We got no bills!

TAXPAYER crazy!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
running here.

We think Canada/America
darn good place!
Too darn good
for white man race.

If they no like us,
they can scram,
Got lots of room
in Pakistan.

Answer 2

Student Project
A man entered a restaurant and bar and sat himself at the bar for a drink. He noticed a beautiful girl at the other end of the bar seemingly alone. After some time he picked up his drink and went to sit beside her and asked "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied in a loud voice "A motel!" "No!" he replied I just offered a drink. All the people in the restaurant were then staring at him. "I just offered a drink", he said. She replied "Why should I go with you to a motel?"

"Oh forget it" he said as he left to return to the other end of the bar. What a kook he thought. About 20 minutes later she came to his end of the bar and said; "Sir, I'm sorry to have embarrassed you but I am a student at the University and I have to do a term paper on reactions to embarrassing situations. I hope you will forgive me, since this was just part of my research." He looked at her, and in a very loud voice said, "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?"

Answer 3

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"


Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"


So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

Th e next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"


Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"


Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."


"What's that?"


"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

Answer 4

yo mama! no just joking. i actually can't think f none. sorry. do you have any? oh but i did hear one cuz the guy i like told me it. but its kinda not soo clean so i on't say while answering but it was soooo funny butkinda dumb at the same time.
oh here my sister just reminded me of one.it is something like this.
Whats the difference between a jew and a cow?
the cows eentually tip.
ha ha sooo funny i know but not really. hey atleast i tried.

Answer 5

He grabbed me by my slender neck. I could not yell or scream. He drug me to his dingy room,where we could not be seen. He tore off all my wrapings and gazed upon my form. While I was cold and shivering He was getting warm. He pressed his lips to mine. I gave him everything I had. He made me what I am today and that is why I'm here. Just an empty bottle. Tat once was full of beer.

Answer 6

A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.

None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?", he asks.

"It's of a big rooster", she replies.

"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."

When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out. He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says, "Oh, for heavens sake, put the cornflakes back in the box!"

Answer 7

A woman was digging a hole in her yard, and her neighbor noticed her. Upon questioning the woman told her neighbor that she was burying her fish. Her neighbor noticed the hole was rather large for a fish and asked why the hole was so big. The neighbor replied "That's because of your cat."

Answer 8

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination. He looked at the old pages as he turned them. The Bible had belonged to his grandmother. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between pages. "Momma, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!!!!!"

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. "Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk. "It's designed to teach the child how to live in today's world, madam," the shop clerk replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."
Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention. My contract requires me to work on my own time after school and evenings grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Master's degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration. You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the state mandatory exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"

Answer 9

A priest, a rabbi and a Baptist preacher walk into a bar.

The bartender looks them over and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Answer 10

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: I Might not get hard I just got laid last night!

Answer 11

how many lawyers dose it take to shingle a roof?

it depends how thin you slice them...



what do you have with three layers berried up to there necks in sand?

not enough sand...