dirty jokes please?

Question

And please no white horse fell in the mud or pig fell in the mug

Answer 1

Have fun.
http://www.thejokeyard.com/dirty_sex_jokes/

Answer 2

This is not too dirty but it is funny as hell.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

Answer 3

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."

The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"

Answer 4

Date Rape Drug
There is a date rape drug going around. While this drug does have beneficial uses in small quantities, female sexual predators are using it at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. Shockingly this drug is available at most grocery and convenience stores! Women often persuade men to consume multiple doses, and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Often while under the influence of this drug men will succumb to desires to perform sex acts on women who they would never normally be attracted to. Men often awaken after being given this drug with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before. Some times they wake up with a headache and a vague feeling that something bad occurred. This date rape drug is known by many names such as “Bud, Hinny, Draft, and Black Label. So you fellows out there be careful when some woman offers to buy you a cold one. If however, you should fall prey to this scheme you can find a support group as close as your local pub and have a beer on me.

Answer 5

A white horse and pig fell in the mud and the farmer bent over and took it in the nookie. The end. ;)

Answer 6

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

Answer 7

Making Cakes

A little girl and her mother are walking through a park and see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks her mother what they're are doing. After a moments hesitation, the mother replies "They're making cakes."
The next day the little girl and her mother go to the zoo. The little girl sees two monkeys having sex, and again asks her mother what they are doing. The mother again uses the same answer "They're making cakes."
The next morning the little girl says to her mother "Mummy, You and Daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night."
The Mother replies " How do you know?"
The girl says "I licked the icing off the sofa!"(icing which is sperm)

Answer 8

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"


Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"


So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"


Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"


Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."


"What's that?"


"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

Answer 9

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just two but don't ask me how they got in there.


Why do French women not use a vibrator? It hurts their teeth.

Why do polish women prefer the birth control pill over the condom? Because it is easier to swallow.

Answer 10

The between a rooster & a hooker.

coc a dood DL doo.

any coc L doo

Answer 11

Why are men like hard wood floors????


If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them the rest of your life!!!