Several years ago I was friends with this girl who had two children. Shortly after I met her she got very heavily into drugs and, basically, abandoned her kids. They were in foster care for a few years and now live with their dad, who is sort of... off. The dad talks all sorts of s--- about their mother, right in front of them. He believes that their mother never loved the girls at all, and will say it right to them. I tyr to tell them that their mother did love them but had big problems and couldn't care for them. I try to tell them some good things about their mother.
Lately the older kid has been mentioning her mother a lot and mentioning good memories she has. She asked me if I would ever see her mother around, and said if I did I should tell her "that I'm nine, or however old I am when you see her." She asked me, "Do you think my mom is keeping track of how long it's been since she's seen me?"
I have two questions...1. Do you think its possible that the dad is right and that the
2006-07-03 16:02:00 · 8 answers · asked by angelsister23 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
mother doesn't love them?
And 2... If I did see the mother (she was last heard of living in the same town where I live) should I say anything to her, and should I tell the kids?
Oh yeah 1 more... is it better to let the kids talk about good memories and to tell them good things about their mother, or should I do like their father does and tell them bad things about her and discourage them from remembering her at all?
2006-07-03 16:03:43 · update #1
I think in your heart you already know the answer to your question sweetness. You mentioned them. You cant loose by telling the kids good things about their mother. And also including the truth in a very delicate way. Always reinforce the good. And minimize bad. Remember: Children grow into the words we give them.The mother obviously did have very big issues to deal with. And then taking drugs did not help but only amplified her problems and fears. Children need to know that its not their fault. And I applaud you for being there for them. And trying to keep it positive with them. You are an angel. Im just sorry that the father doesnt have the strengh to take responsibility instead of putting it all on the mother.
2006-07-03 16:16:13 · answer #1 · answered by Divine_Gesture 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
2 things. First off your doing the children a GREAT favor by being KIND to them this or in any way. Everyone wants to feel wanted and love, even when they're really not. The mother in all likelyhood could care less about her children, or perhaps she's terrified of her ex and has been wracked with guilt about being away for so long and feel that her children would be "better off without her." Who knows? The fact is YOU WON'T unless you ask her, will you? and if you ask her what would your friend (her ex say?) so I wouldn't even ask. The fact is there are women and men out there with no feelings at all when it comes to their kids, she may just be one of them.
2nd. Tell the Father what you told us about how you feel. Tell him you think he's a wonderful father doing a very hard and pretty much thankless job by societies standards, but could he at least pretend to the children that while their mother loved them, she had no room in her life for them. This is neither incriminatory of hateful and it will take the children YEARS to figure out what it means. In the mean time, they will at least have HOPE. When they reach 14 or 15 he can tell them the truth of how she left them and lives in the same town and never saw them. But jeez, give the kids a few years of kindness! When your that age, you don't have alot but your parents love.
2006-07-03 16:20:45 · answer #2 · answered by AdamKadmon 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the person is truely a bad person or a waste of a human being , no one needs to tell the child. Children one day figure these things out on their own. As for not loving her children , drugs change who people are. Addiction causes people to do and say things you never would have immagined them doing before and it is truely sad. However , perhaps it was loving of her to get out of their lives and not take them on the nightmarish journey she has decided to go on.
As for mentioning them to her... it is probably best if you stay out of it. What if you mention them , she starts thinking about them and then decides to reappear in their lives and further complicate things for them? When the kids talk about the good times just confirm what they remember , tell them their mom did love them and probably still does but she got sick and until she decides to get better she just can not be around them.
2006-07-03 16:30:45 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is so sad. The little girl wondering if her mother keeps track of how long it's been since she's seen her. I think it's a good thing for the kids to have good memories of their mother. Letting them know that she loved them is the right thing to do. I mean, telling them otherwise would only bring heartache. Why would you want to do that to a child?
2006-07-03 16:08:29 · answer #4 · answered by Whatsername 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Never under any circumstances talk bad about their mom! If you are good friends with dad you should really talk to him about not talking bad about her either! They need to know that mom has problems, and maybe her priorities are screwed up right now, but she loves them very much. And it is OK to let them talk about their good memories of her. All kids need to be loved, or at least feel loved.
When the absent parent is degraded in front of he kids it causes a lot of emotional damage to the child, that may or may not be undone. And it is not their fault. Be kind about the mom to the kids. It will only help the kids be more secure in themselves.
2006-07-03 16:18:56 · answer #5 · answered by suequek 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your friends problem was the drugs they stoled her life,she never said she did not love her kids,she took the easy way out..she let the drugs run and ruin her life,she probably thinks about them but feels trapped and doesn't know how to help her self, I doubt the father would let her see them by the way it sounds..i think i would tell her they think of her and see what she has to say...
I would tell the kids all moms love thier kids some in different ways..their mom is having a problem with her life now but maybe in the future she will be better and be very glad to see them
2006-07-03 16:16:07 · answer #6 · answered by lindaann_56 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
honestly, i don't believe in talking bad about the parent that's not there. kids decide on their own when they're bigger. it also leaves them with even more of a feeling of abandonment. which is hard for adults, even more so for little kids. as for telling the mom what the kid said, YES. as for when you see the mom, i just can't say. maybe as you told them b4, she's still got big problems and does love them, but she knows that the dad can do better for them right now. it's a hard thing, but kids need someone to feel safe with to talk about their mom to, and that seems to be you. to be able to say whatever they want, and feel. you don't always have to say anything, just let them know you're there to listen. just let them know you love them and care for them, and you're there "anytime" they need you!
sounds like dad needs someone to talk to him too, but i'm not saying you. but, by doing what he's doing, he's going to hurt them more too!
2006-07-03 16:13:48 · answer #7 · answered by thundakat312 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sadly you should never say anything bad about a parent to a child it can have the opposite effect.. allowing the child to place them on a pedestal. Telling anyone she might be in the same town is something you have to decide. Good luck to you
2006-07-03 16:07:11 · answer #8 · answered by Kota 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋