My stepdaughter lives out of state and hardly acknowledges anyone in our family anymore....?

Question

She is almost 12 & moved halfway across the country. She has siblings here & her mom also has other kids. Even when freinds and family from "home" send her gifts for holidays or just "thinking of you", she doesn't even call to say thank you.

We mention it to her mother & she says that she tells her to call, but that she's not going to hound her about it "since she's 11 and should be able to take care of these things..." But she doesn't. I recommended to her mom that maybe she could help by not letting her have the gifts (i.e. by not taking her shopping to spend her gift cards, or whatever) until she calls and properly thanks the person who sent it. She said that she won't do that.

What do you think?

Guess I should also mention that my husband's ex and I communicate better than he and she do - they were divorced before I met him.

Answer 1

That's the way many kids are - out of sight, out of mind. Make sure your gifts are really cool; ask other kids her age what they would really love to have. When I was a kid, my aunt used to send me the lamest, homemade stuff - it was hard to drum up anything nice to say about it.

When you give a gift, you're not supposed to expect anything in return - not even a thank you card (although it's rude not to send one). You could try enclosing a thank you card with a preaddressed and stamped envelope - give her three boxes to check off:
1. Loved it - thanks!
2. It was alright.
3. Don't send me any more stuff.

Good luck.

Answer 2

The only thing that matters to kids is the time spent WITH you. If you are not there they will forget you and any influence you may think you have. No gift or card can make up for it. If there is no way that you can get them to move back here or you move there to establish a relationship you need to reevaluate how you respond to her.

If the gifts are not getting the proper response (and are you sure she is actually receiving them?), try a new path; try not sending any gifts at all. Just sent cards with information about her family here. If you can get her interested in communicating with the family in town she may want to call or e-mail etc...

Save the gifting for when she visits and you can directly influence her to say think you. My children are much more polite when they are with me and I can influence them with my actions. My ex has different ideas and they don't include the same level of etiquette.

Don't press it, but show the right way to go. Remember this is not a competition between you and your stepdaughter and/or her mother. The ultimate goal is to raise a good person. The only way you can think or act in this process is long term. Don't ever speak of any of your issues with the Mother as that will only hurt you in the stepdaughter's eyes.

Be the person that you want her to be and you will gain some of the response that you crave right now. Remember this is a long process and you will have much time to make errors and triumphs in the raising of your stepdaughter. It ain't easy, but it is all you can do right now.

Answer 3

Oh my! I totally understand you. Its hard to get it threw the persons head just to respond...say thank you. Some people don't feel its as important i guess. Maybe you should put in a post card with your gift, self addressed back to you, that way all the child has to do is right a little note saying, thank you etc...

Answer 4

to be perfectly honest, I think that is between your husband and his ex-wife. At the age of 11 and 12, if she doesn't live with you, you really don't have any right to assert your opinion on how she is being raised except to your husband in private. I would be really annoyed if my husband's new wife tried to tell me how to raise my daughter. I am really not trying to be rude, but those are my thoughts.

Answer 5

maybe the mom out there is the problem

Answer 6

I think that everyone needs to stop sending her stuff.....