I want the funniest joke any aspiring comedians have!?

Question

I wnat something so funny i will almost die of laughter. It's a good competition.

just give me a hilarious joke.

Answer 1

Little Joey

Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing his crotch, and the teacher asked, “Joey what are you doing?” Joey replied, “Teacher, my mommy had me circumsized yesterday and it still hurts.” So the teacher sent Joey to the principal's office to call his mother and ask what he should do.
When Joey came back from the office, the teacher noticed that he had his penis hanging out. Shocked, the teacher asked, “Joey, what are you doing!?” Joey answered, “Mommy told me to stick it out till lunch and then she would be here to pick me up.”



I have a nother one wait


Perfect Man, Perfect Woman

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn''t want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Chritmas.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren''t real.

Another one

Three Men and a Genie

Three men were walking down a street and found a bottle laying on the side of the road. They picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, ''You will each get one wish.''
The first man wished he was 20 times smarter. The genie made him 20 times smarter. The second man wished he was 30 times smarter. The genie made him 30 times smarter. The last man wished he was 60 times smarter.

The genie turned him into a woman.

Answer 2

This is my favorite 1, i call it golfing with Doctors.

I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.
He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.
My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.
I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.
Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.
I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery -- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.
Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.
Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me.
He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it...
and watched it duck hook two fairways away...

Answer 3

God and the Harley Davidson Inventor


Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Answer 4

I have the corniest joke...
What is Blue and smells like Red Paint




Blue Paint

Answer 5

I read Russian T's joke, and it was good!!! Let me get a go at it:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
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A man comes home early from the factory one day and reluctantly tells his wife that he was fired. Shocked, she asked how this could have happened, to which he replied, "Well, during lunch me and a few of the guys were just joking around and while we were getting our sandwiches we noticed the company had gotten a new pickle slicer. So on a dare a few of the guys dared me to stick 'it' in the slicer. Not wanting to back down to the guys, I stupidly did it."

"Oh God please don't tell me you cut 'It' off,” the wife gasped.

"No, I'm OK," he continued, "but my boss walked in right when I was doing it and fired me on the spot."

The wife, now knowing her husband was ok, went from shock to anger and could only muster, "well I at least hope they disposed of the pickle slicer."

To which the husband responds, "No, they fired her too.”
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After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
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Two guys (an ARAB and a HILLBILLY) showed up to answer an employment ad to write greeting cards.

The lady gives them paper and pencil and tells them they've got 15 minutes to come up with something. "To make it even.... you MUST use the word TIMBUCKTO in the saying somewhere"...

Upon returning she says... Abdula (the ARAB ) you go first. Abdula stands up and says.....

As I walked along the desert sand.... I came upon a caravan.... Camels traveling two by two.... destination TIMBUCKTOO

Awestruck she says.... Abdula.... that was magnificent!... You're hired!"

Ole Elmer (the HILLBILLY ), he stands up and says "Now WAIT jist a dad burned minuite.... I don't think dats a danged bit fair! Ya aint herd my saying yit!"

She rolls her eyes and says..... "Go ahead Elmer" Ole Elmer stands up, pulls the pick from his mouth and says"....

"Uhhh Tim and I.... uhhhhh Huntin we went.... when we came upon, three whores in a tent.... well... with them bein three an us only two.... I buck one an TIMBUCKTOO!