i need insight please?

Question

Okay, i am 22, and I have four year old daughter. I live at home with my mom and step dad. I live at home so that I can have enough money to go to school. NOw, blah blah I know I live at home with my parents, but I am still a parent myself.

I do not ask for anything really of my parents. They buy what they want to buy, they watch my daughter when they want to watch her.

Here is the problem--my mom tries to take over my daughter, or so it feels. This is is a struggle that has continued since my daughters birth. I am by no means a bad parent. But if I try to punish my daughter in any way, she comes running from across the house, to see why my daughter is being put in time out or whatever.

If i tell my daughter no, to something like a brownie at 9 at night my MOTHERwill ask Why not?, right in front of my daughter and will argue with me.

Not only that, but I feel left out. They will go and take my daughter to seaworld, with out even inviting me or telling me in advance.

Additional Details

52 minutes ago
I by no means want to be considered an absent parent, but I feel that they push me out of the picture. if I want to buy her something, half the time they run out and get it first, just because it takes me a few more days to get the money together.

I feel pushed out, and even though I do want my daughter to experience these things I would AT least be invited to participate or maybe even get the chance to do it on my own sometimes.

46 minutes ago
the bad thing is that at anytime when my mom does not agree with something about my daughter she always yells out, "this is my house."

if you have already answered this thanks...I am trying to get as many opinions as possible....

I do have a boyfriend, he is not he father of my child, but is a wonderful step father. We are just not financially in place that woyuld allow us to move out. he also has a child, who is currently being hidden by the mother, so money is just as tight on his end, dealing with lawyers and such.

Answer 1

I think the best thing to do is to sit down with your mother and father and have an mature (no screaming or yelling) conversation with them. You should start by saying that you appreciate everything that they've done for you and that you realize that what they do for your daughter is out of the kindness of their heart and that you appreciate it. Then you should state (again very maturely) that you are the mother of so and so and that you will make the final decisions about where she goes, what she receives and what she does. You simply have to tell them that you are her mother and YOU need to raise her. You can say that you really appreciate them helping out and being a part of your daughter's life, but ultimately YOU are the mother, not them. On the flip side, every grandparent wants to spoil their grandchildren so of course they will continue to buy her things and do nice things with her, but in situations like the Sea World incident, tell them from now on, when they are going to take her somewhere you'd like to know about it. Also tell them that you are her mother and their child and would like to be included in some of the family fun occasionally. You just have to make it painfully obvious to them that you are the parent. If this doesn't work or if your mother keeps saying "this is my house" you might want to try telling her "don't you see that by saying that this is your house, your basically pushing me out the door?" Also tell her "First and foremost comes raising my daughter, so if you are going to impede and second guess my judgement, I have no choice but to leave." I wouldn't just say "then I'll leave" because it'll give her the opportunity to say that you're trying to take her away, but if you make her see that you've got to do what's best for you daughter, maybe then she'll understand...

GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 2

I don't assume you are an absent parent, many mothers are in difficult situations and we all try to do the best we can! I applaud you for trying to make things better for yourself, and living with your parents is smart in many ways. You may feel more secure having an experienced mother around to help, and grandparents are wonderful teachers and can be trusted babysitters when you need them. However, it sounds like your mother is having a hard time looking at you as an adult, let alone a mother. She probably feels like she knows more than you, and in some ways she does! (I was 26 and married and I know I was still clueless for a while LOL). It is hard for all mothers/ mother in laws to let go and let their children raise grandchildren.
If I were you, I'd make it clear to your mom that you have to be the authority figure. If she continues to undermine you, your daughter will easily manipulate the situation, which is bad news all around. If she can't appreciate that, then you need to find a place of your own, even if things are tight financially. Giving up some comforts will be worth it if you can raise your child the way you feel is right.
Good Luck!

Answer 3

Your mom is clearly trying to take over your duty because she thinks she can do it better. This is so wrong. Your child is getting the wrong message. YOU are her mom! You need to regulate this.
For instance with the brownie @9pm, when your mom says "WHY?", you should fight her to the death(with words, of course) so your daughter sees that you are being firm every single time. Walk away and take your child into a different room before you two start to argue it out. The only reason why its like this is because you are all living under the same roof. Until that changes, you are gonna have a hell of a time trying to change what is happening.
You can sit down your mom and have a talk with her in a mature manner, but of course it might hurt her feelings no matter how you tell her. She might use the "you live under my roof" card, and blah, blah. You need to isolate your child and yourself from your mom. She's grand-ma! She only deserves the time with grand-daughter when mommy allows it, taking her out to places without your permission is unacceptable.
This is just my opinion. Don't let her take over, because your daughter might grow up running to her everytime you say NO.

Answer 4

Well the fear is the only answer yes well she is scared that mabe you had abad past and you were also so young when you had your first child and by looking at what you said it looks like your single and that kinda makes it worse cause then if you wernt you would tell us all about your boyfriend and what she doen infront of him too the point is that she is trying to help but doent know how so she buys all the stuff you wanna give your daughter cause she wants to have that same love from your daughter maby try and buy your daughter some small gifts like a dol remember girls like dols and teddy bears more than clothes they keep teddybears longer than clothes cause it will always fit even when they get old they still have the old teddy bears they got when they were young cause they have something special to a kid clothes and what ever you bought them means yipee something to wear and a teddy bar means you want them to think of you they dont always wear the same clothes yet they always come home and when they come home if the teddy is there they are happy cause to them thats special they have a special gift they sleep with teddy play with teddy evn imagine teddy walking and dancing and playing and they talk to teddy the same way you should talk to your daughter cause they wanna know that when they are sad that you are there for them when they grow up they wanna know what love is so they wont have to search for it in other peoples homes but so they will se love when they look at you they dont want gifts they want love and something they can always hold on too and the teddy bear is a good start.

Answer 5

Moms and grandparents are often locked in conflicts over kids. It's not just you. Even if you didn't live with your parents, they'd still run out and buy stuff for your kids before you could get the money together. Happens to me all the time.

Try to set some clear guidelines with your mom on the things that are most important. You can't fight every battle every day. Pick some. For example, you might start by letting her know that arguing with you in front of your daughter undermines your authority as a parent and is unacceptable. Develop a code word to use so your mom will be reminded to discuss the issue with you later. You might also want to remind your mom that you have custody of your daughter and are responsible for her, and that even though you trust your mom, you have the right to know where your daughter will be at all times, so all "field trips" should be cleared with you ahead of time. Tell her your concerns in a soft voice sometime when she's not already upset about something; you'll have better results.

Develop a support group for yourself. Talk to your friends. Join a church. Join a message board for parents on BabyZone.com. Meet other moms in similar circumstances. Knowing that it's not just you will help give you strength as you continue to address this situation with your parents.

Lastly, get your degree, get a job, and get out. I know these things take time and are priorities for you. Remember your priorities. You need the living space right now, and it costs you emotionally, but you are working to get out. It is fair to answer your mom's "This is my house" with a "Yes, I know. Thank you for letting us stay with you while I get my degree." It sounds like "thanks" but it will remind your parents that your living arrangements with them are temporary.

Answer 6

Unfortunately money gives power and the fact that you live at home with your parents, even if you are a parent yourself you are less independent than other parents. Additionally to have a child at such a young age might be a factor. They might view you as irresponsible to get pregnant at 18 years of age. The best thing to try to do is when things are neutral, like not in the middle of an incident, ask them to sit down with you and tell them in a very non-emotional way, how their behavior makes you feel and that in order for you to do the job of a parent they need to allow you to make these decisions for your child. You might also remind them that they probably made decisions about you that were not necessarily popular with their parents but made those decisions anyway. You might also tell them that the relationship they have with your child is very special and important but that they are the grandparent and regardless of where you are living your child cannot be confused as to who the primary caregiver/parent is. You.

Answer 7

It sounds like your parents love you daughte, and are just trying to help out. Good for you for going to school.

You could try talking to your parents and let them know how you feel, just be respectful. They are helping you out.

The best thing you do is move out, which would pretty much solve the problem, I understand the problem here b/c of school.

I would start saving money, so when you finish school you can move out. Then pick a place that your daughter can still have a realtionshop with your parents. Do not let her get punished b/c of a small dissagrement between them.

IF you are feeling left out, then take you daughter out just the two of you, maybe a weekend away to the beach of something.

Your parents are doing the best they can to help you out, set rules and explain to your parents why you would like them to be in place.

Answer 8

Well, at least your mom has accepted your daughter as a member of the family......this is good. I've known other people who've treated their grandchildren really bad. I think you need to have a heart to heart with you mom, just to make sure that you and her are on the same page. Also keep in mind that if you're having problems correcting your daughter now......then you may have bigger problems when she becomes a teenager, if things aren't corrected now. Most kids don't know of the word "NO". I feel that you're a good mom, a responsible mom, and you're doing things right. I wish you the best of luck............

Answer 9

i know most persons would advise you to move out but i know from experience that in situations such as this it is not always easy since you need their support - financial, emotional etc.

So i would suggest you politely speak to them about how you feel and set some boundries about what they can and cannot do re; your daughter. They can't know they are doing bad if you dont tell them.

if they are not to be reasoned with then work around them - set one and one time with your daughter ( the park for example), communicate with her so that she knows that mommy makes the rules, and reward her for good behaviour. but above all love her and she will know that no amount of seaworld is going to change the fact that you are her mother.

in the same breath you need to focus on your goal of completing your education. because that is the only way you will be able to move out and stand on your own feet. good luck.

Answer 10

Your mother is obviously taking advantage of the situation. She accepted that you lived there with them, but it seems to be under the condition that she can do whatever she wants with your daughter and undermine your authority as a parent. And by the looks of it, she's playing the emotional blackmail card to get to you. This is my house, so you'll raise your child the way I see fit.

I think the only way you can solve it is by moving out. I don't think your mother will listen to you and you need to make it clear that your daughter's mother is you, not her grandma.

This is really terrible, I do feel for you.