Narcissists and abandonment?

Question

narcissists want to be abandoned or are afraid of abandonment or what? The literature is very confusing!

Answer 1

That's a tough one. Narcissists are afraid of abandonment (like Borderlines, they suffer from abandonment anxiety) - but they also crave it!

The narcissist is a person who is irreparably traumatized by the behavior of the most important people in his life: his parents, role models, or peers. By being capricious, arbitrary, and sadistically judgmental, they molded him into an adult, who fervently and obsessively tries to recreate the trauma in order to, this time around, resolve it (repetition complex).

Thus, on the one hand, the narcissist feels that his freedom depends upon re-enacting these early experiences. On the other hand, he is terrified by this prospect. Realizing that he is doomed to go through the same traumas over and over again, the narcissist distances himself by using his aggression to alienate, to humiliate and in general, to be emotionally absent.

This behavior brings about the very consequence that the narcissist so fears - abandonment. But, this way, at least, the narcissist is able to tell himself (and others) that HE was the one who fostered the separation, that it was fully his choice and that he was not surprised. The truth is that, governed by his internal demons, the narcissist has no real choice. The dismal future of his relationships is preordained.

The narcissist is a binary person: the carrot is the stick in his case. If he gets too close to someone emotionally, he fears ultimate and inevitable abandonment. He, thus, distances himself, acts cruelly and brings about the very abandonment that he feared in the first place.

There's a lot more in the links below. I didn't want to hog the bandwidth...:o))

Answer 2

Narcissistic Personalities do NOT want to be abandoned. They may act out in ways to push others away, but it is more in an effort to get the type of attention the narcissistic person craves so badly. Narcissistic people have a very narrow view of the world. They truly are the center of their universe and have little innate ability to empathize or sympathize. They are mortified of abandonment and may feel abandoned if they do not get the attention they seek. They may act out as a result of their desperate feelings thus setting up a vicious cycle for repeated abandonments as the attention they seek is all consuming unless they learn (through therapy or VERY dedicated friends/family) that they cannot have the type of attention they seek all the time (or at all in some instances). They have little tolerance for not feeling secure that they are at the center of thihgs. In their desperation, they actually (and frequently) set up the very situation they fear most -- abandonment.

Answer 3

narcissists are afraid of being abandoned.

Answer 4

Nobody wants to be abandoned, but with NPDs, they tend to do different things to cope with abandonment.

Read some of Sam's stuff

http://samvak.tripod.com/index.html

Answer 5

Both, as far as I can tell. My husband is narcissistic.