Help! What should I do about this?

Question

My boyfriends has a 4-year-old son. I get along with his son really well.

His sons mom doesn't like me and never has. She even told her son that she didn't like me. She comes up with any excuse to complain about me to my boyfriend. He doesn't care what she says, but it still bothers me that she can't get over her problem. I was told that she thinks I'm trying to take her place as him mom, which I'm not. She doesn't want me to discipline him or do anything for him.

She is one of those people who tell their kids they don't have to listen to anyone else but them. He gets in trouble at daycare for not listening and at home with his dad. It makes me mad because she is only hurting her son and I don't think she really cares. She only sees him on some weekends and has 3 other kids of her own and her boyfriend has 3 kids of his own that she deals with on a daily basis.

My question is how or what can I do to help myself deal with this?

See part of the deal is that I am getting ready to move in with them so I will be around him everyday. Also, I'm applying to work at the daycare he goes to cause I'm a teacher and I have a 6-month-old daughter that I will be taking with me to the daycare.

When I said discipline, I'm talking about telling him no or telling him to do something or anything. If I do something he doesn't like he says that he is going to tell his mom, otherwise he listens to me unless he has been to see his mom. I see your point in letting his dad discipline him, but I can't let him run all over me. Sometimes he tries hitting or kicking me and tries to use me as a jungle gym, because his mom tells him to. Like when it comes down to spanking him, that is something his dad does.

My boyfriend tells her all the time that he doesn't want to hear her sh*t about me, but she does anyway.

We have been dating for 7 months, we have been friends since we were 4 or 5.

Answer 1

I feel for you as I have somewhat had the same problem. If you are moving in then your boyfriend needs to sit down with the boy and have a serious talk...well, as serious as you can with a 4 yr. old. Since he lives with the dad he needs to tell him that your not trying to take his moms place but that ya'll are going to be a family now and he needs to listen to you. That what his mom is telling him is not right because she is jealous of everyone else and that not listening to people is just going to get him in trouble. What we did in our house was sit down with my daughter and TOGETHER drew up rules for the house that EVERYONE had to follow. Not just her, but daddy and girlfriend too. It made her feel like a big shot to help make the rules and to know that everyone had to follow them not just her. Some of the rules were like...everyone has to take a bath once a day...everyone has to put their dirty clothes in the hamper...brush your teeth, say please and thank you....dont interupt when talking....all the things we did anyhow as adults but to her it was a big deal. Her mother would still try and say that my girlfriend couldnt tell her what to do but as time went on things got better at home. Spend time alone with the son and do fun days together. As he gets used to you being there every day in the mother role he will be more excepting and as he gets older he will see what his mother is trying to do. Just hang in there and keep the faith !!

Answer 2

It's a long process... you are in his life to teach him better... did u ever see that movie "Step Mom?" I'd rent it out, it will give you some idea of what you're up against... My opinion is that the kid should not be the target of his mom's bickering about you. Whatever she feels it's not the kid's fault. Confront her and tell her to lay off your business and tell your b-friend to deal with her. You're up against his mom, I feel for you, but most children at that age will budge if you make time to have a one-on- one talk to them... but I think you should involve the dad... ha!
The reason he is getting in trouble is because he is taking the split very hard... he's pushing his limmits because he wants to know how much he is loved... and then, he's a kid, they always push their limits... You can be a friend to him if you didn't try too hard to discipline him, but do it subtely... without him sensing that you want to take the place of his mom... Good luck... you're in for a rough ride for a while, but it will be worth it. Just act like an adult. The kid might like you after a while. You need an extra load of patience, this kid is hurting... so be gentle.

Answer 3

First, distance yourself from this crazy woman - no matter what you do or how perfect of a person you are she will always be treatened by you and therefore dislike you. Second, teach his son to respect you and give him reason to look up to you - I know, much easier said than done. If you can do this he will obey you simply out of respect and honor your wishes. Always be nice to his son, even when he is in trouble - when he does something wrong explain to him why it is wrong in words he can understand. Third, it really sounds like she still wants a relationship with your boyfriend. Most of all - best of luck

Answer 4

It dosen't matter what you or he says, the ex-wife(this is correct?) is going to do whatever she thinks that will undermine your position. The longer your relationship last the worst it might get. You and your boyfriend should have a talk about this and come to an understanding against whatever might be said by her. Be very careful what you say to or do with his ex around her son, you could wind up causing him hurt and dislike of you and give her more fuel to use.

Answer 5

Honestly, anything you say or do is not going to change the opinion of the mom. This isn't about you, its about her. Time is the only way...once she gets over her bitterness that you have him or you are a better person, whatever it is thats making her so immature. Just handle yourself in a mature manner and ignore her. There really isn't much else you can do. I have seen this happen in so many people's lives but it does blow over eventually. But it takes years, not months.

Answer 6

I would send her a little note. As nicely as you can, explain to her that you're not trying to take her place, blah, blah, but only want the best for the little boy. It's probably jealousy that's making her act this way. Hopefully, bringing it to her attention directly (instead of making your boyfriend say something, because she won't listen to him) she will realize how childish she's being. Good luck.

Answer 7

I think that if he is in your boyfriends house and yours to that he should listen to you and you should be able to tell him what to do. I don't care who's kid it is if they are acting up in my house they will be told about it. Baby Mommas are always going to be bitching about something, just take a beep breathe and know that you are there and not her, you need to make sure that your boyfriend lets her know that you are not going anywhere at that she is going to have to get over it. good luck and keep me posted

Answer 8

you and him ( the boyfriend) really need to sit down and talk about this he should be helping to correct this problem especially if the child is kicking or hitting on you also try correcting the child if he start doing this then he will continue correct this before he get to old and start doing worst

Answer 9

I am a mother of 4 and a stepmother of 3....Thier mother hates me...It is up to your boyfriend to set little miss chicka straight ...He shouldn't be teeling you all of that anyhow...It's more so of a jealousy issue than anything else, I'm sure...

Answer 10

return hatred for niceness, return every evil glance with a warm smile. return kicking with "hey, you want to go color?" return biting with "I've got a Popsicle in the freezer with your name on it and its waiting just for you" make cookies for your boyfriends son with both his and her name on them, and dot all your "i"s with hearts.

pretty soon, one of 2 things will happen. she will get so mad, she will shut up, or leave you alone, or he will get so mad, he will finally settle everything one way, or another. if you are afraid you will be the weaker link, then, i guess you are doomed to be walked all over. if not, try the nice technique. be so nice it makes your stomach hurt.