Has anyone ever had there child tell you ``they don`t love you?``?

Question

My little girl is 6 yrs old barley.She said that I was a bad mom and she didn`t love me....She said the same thing about my husband...And it started when she was in trouble and i though when she was out of trouble she would say other wise but she didn`t ......She act`s like she want`s to be somewhere elts.....We do everything we can for her and her sister.......She was not sorry she hurt me at all ...........Have any of you ever had this happen and if so why????????And what did you do????

Answer 1

Both my daughters said the same thing to me around the same age. What did I do? I said "thats not a nice thing to say, I have never told you I dont love you" and promptly forgot about it. It surfaced no more than 4-5 times with each of them. Why do they say it? Because they are begining to assert their independance or distract their parent from disciplining them, or simply to get their way. She will not be sorry that she hurt you, she is too young to understand the concept that deeply. You should not have felt hurt to begin with, however the fact that you were hurt and probably showed it to her now means she now knows what button to push in you. She will keep pushing it as long as you are distracted or worried by it. (sigh).... wait till the teenage years, she wont be telling you she doesnt love you, she will be telling you she hates you.

Dont say I didnt warn you 10 years before....

Answer 2

It's about the hardest thing you can hear your child say, isn't it? Just relax. The fact that you're hurt shows how much you love her, and that's the important part.

In my experience, "I don't love you," or "I hate you" is code for "it feels like you're not listening to me." Installing an internal translator can be surprisingly easy, and doesn't really require an installation guide or any tools.

I suggest trying a heart to heart conversation sometime when she's not too upset — maybe after a bedtime story, or while having a special snack together. Here are some example things to say in a calm, loving tone of voice (for now, deal with the hurt/anger part husband to wife):

"Remember when you said you don't love me? Well I was wondering, have you always felt that way, or was it just in the last couple weeks that you felt that way?"

"What happened that made you feel that way?"

"Oh yeah? Do you want to tell me more about that?"

"Really? I had no idea. I'm so glad you're telling me this."

"Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

"Wow, this was great. Maybe we can have a heart to heart talk like this again sometime. Let me know if you want to."

Important note: Take everything she says seriously. It is the truth of how she feels. Remember, her feelings and reality are not the same thing, just as with your feelings, or her teacher's feelings, or anyone's feelings.

When it comes to feelings, you don't need to argue, or even agree. Just let her talk, and simply acknowledge the feelings. Doing so is not an acceptance of defeat, but rather, a kind thing that all humans appreciate.

I wish you the best.

Answer 3

You've gotten some really good advice here - and a few that are really bad. Here's my two cents.

First of all, this is a completely normal experience - I'd say that most kids try it at some point, usually beginning somewhere between 5 and 7 years old. The situation you described is a classic example of when and why a child does it - she was in trouble and looking for an out...and it worked. She's managed to get you into a stew for quite a period of time now and she will continue to use what she has learned works until she matures (which is quite a long way away!) or until she realizes it doesn't work anymore. At this point you're probably tiptoeing around her, trying to be careful not to say or do anything that would upset her, showing her more attention than usual, trying whatever you can think of to pry, "I love you" out of her. STOP! At six years old - or at 12, for that matter - she doesn't mean it the way you fear. It is absolutely nothing more than a device she's used to try to gain control and attention.

If you display to her that you are hurt you will teach her that it works, and she will continue to use this and other similar tactics. If you sit down and try to explain to her how hurtful it is you will teach her that it works - she does not have the intellectual capacity to understand your explanations; all she knows is that it produced gentle attention and when she wants more, she'll use it again.

A number of people have suggested the sort of response that I believe is your wisest course - when she says "I don't love you", simply say, "That's a shame, because I love you." - and show absolutely no other reaction. Don't pursue her - just let it drop right there and continue whatever you were doing as if no one had said anything at all.

It might take a few times - but not many - before she realizes that it doesn't work anymore, and at that point, she will stop. This is an extremely teachable moment for both you and her. Either you are training her, or she is training you. If you reward her with shows of your own emotion or heartfelt explanations and pleas for her understanding, she will have successfully trained you - and she may quite possibly use this sort of thing for the rest of her life to control you, without either one of you ever really understanding why. If, on the other hand, she sees that it produces no reaction at all she will quickly abandon this little phase and move on, because no child is going to continue to use methods that do not get results. Oh, and don't retaliate - don't go the route of "I don't love you either" or any other form of payback. If you do, you'll be stepping into the kindergarten sandbox with her, and the point of parenting is to raise your child up to become a responsible adult, not to allow yourself to be dragged down by them to the point where you're relating to them like an overgrown child.

But again, the most important thing for you to realize in trying to regain control of this situation is that SHE DOESN'T MEAN IT. She doesn't hate you, she's not being cruel, she's not being nasty, she's not being hurtful - she's being six years old, exploring how she can use her words to her advantage. This kind of thing works quite well on the playground with children her own age. She needs to learn it will not work with adults - and you're the one who has the ability to teach her that.

Good luck, and

Peace,

Radical Geezer

Answer 4

You didn't mention how long this has been going on. Is she normally a 'grudge holder'? How does she act toward her sister? Was she previously a loving child until this incident occurred? I have a 4 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. My son went through this very briefly but only with me, never with his dad. My daughter does this almost every night when I put her to bed. Each night I tell her that I love her and she responds with "I don't love you, I love daddy". I just tell her that's okay because I love her anyway. My explanation (at least for my kids) is that they think they can only love one person at a time. I do believe that this is merely a phase that most all kids go through at one point or another. Try talking to her to see why she is so upset with you. It could be that she is not upset with you at all. It could be herself that she is upset at. She could be embarrassed at what she did. Without knowing your daughter its tough to say but whatever happened, whether it be what she had done to get herself into troube or the following punishment has upset her. Let her know that it makes mommy and daddy's hearts hurt when she says things like that. Constantly remind her of your love for her. Talk with her about the ability to love many people at the same time. As I have said, I'm sure things will be fine with time. If this continues past a couple of days I think I would call her family doctor and talk to him. Let me know if I can be of more help. Good luck!!!!!

Answer 5

During my childhood I have said that several times to my mother.
I didn't intentionally mean it though. It was either me lashing out or just frusterated with things.
You daughter is your baby. There is nothing in life more precious
than a baby. She does not mean it. And only being 6 years old
she doesn't even know the real meaning of hatred. It took me years to figure out what it meant. Hate is a very powerful harsh strong word and I am sure she does not know what it means.
Don't take it to heart. But give her just a little bit of space. Don't be "mean" i should say. But then again don't spoil her to win her
back.. That won't work. Kids these days have soo much stress
in their lives, from school from growing up in the world.
It is soo hard to be a kid. And that was when I was a kid. I can't
imagine what its like now. Just take it easy with her. She will
realize what she is doing.
Sit her down one day and talk to her. Ask her whats bothering her
Tell her you know that she does NOT hate you and your husband
There must be something wrong that is bothering her.
Ask her, talk to her. Try to be her friend instead of her mother.
That helps more than anything. To have an understanding
mother. Talk to her.. She will listen. Trust me.

Answer 6

My daughter is much younger but at times when she is mad at me due to discipline or whatever, she says she doesn't like me. She's not quite up to "you're a bad mom!" yet. Usually I just say, well I know you don't feel like you like me right now, but I still love you. I have to put you in your room because what you did was naughty (or whatever...) I think it's important not to take it personally when they say this, because it's just an effort to manipulate you, which you need to show you can resist.

If you have been kind of indulgent with your kids, maybe when you start cracking down with the discipline they will try to play on your anxieties about your parenting as a way of testing the limits, especially if they are new. Just be firm about the discipline and let them know that no matter how THEY feel about YOU, they will always be able to count on your loving them and doing your best for them, even if it's not what they want just now. Good luck!

Answer 7

This is actually fairly common in kids. At that age, they are fairly ego-centric, meaning that, to them, the world quite literally revolves around them: their feelings, their needs, their wants.

They will say things like, "I don't love you," or "you're mean, I hate you," etc. This is because they haven't learned yet how to express their frustration by other means. They also don't understand how what they're saying affects other people.

Yes, it hurts. It is something they grow out of though. The best suggestion I can make is to let your daughter see how what she has said affects you. If that means that you cry, cry. Children need to see their parents as human beings, and as emotional creatures.

My boys both went through this phase. My youngest is six and still reverts to it every so often when he gets mad. But when he sees my face fall and I get teary-eyed and leave the room to go cry in my bedroom, he's usually right behind me to apologize.

Just remember that when she says this, respond to her: "That hurts my feelings, but I love you anyway. I will always love you." If you don't, then all you're doing is giving her an emotional guilt trip and reinforcing her bad behavior.

Hang in there - supposedly it gets easier. :)

Answer 8

The fact that she “says” she doesn’t love you doesn’t mean much at this age but the fact that you said that she seems to wants to be somewhere else concerns me. It’s just hard determining if it is mom or kid with the problem.

If your other daughter is older, then you probably have a real concern as this one is different than what you expected.

Right now your only real concern is if you have a psychopath. That is very remote but it is possible. Watch her and see if she is cruel to animals and bugs. I’m not saying that she should love them but that she doesn’t intentionally go out of her way to hurt them. Ditto with her response to your other daughter. Some girls at this age are more self centered than others and more likely if she is immature for her age (which there is nothing wrong with that).

More than likely this is just an overreaction on your part. Kids at this age are smart little robots and will pick up on your emotions much easier than what you think. If she detects that you are over concernd about whether she loves you or not she might be playing a game. Not a game she consciously understands completely.

As someone that has been around for a long time, raised my own three kids, watched other’s rear their kids and see how they all turned out later in life, I will tell you that you raised a red flag when you said, “We do everything we can for her and her sister.”

If you stated that just to let the readers understand that you aren’t a bad parent, then no flag needs to be raised.

However, if that is something that you and your husband discussed as a concern, then that certainly is a red flag.

You are the parents and you are not there to win a popularity contest. Use that energy for your neighbors, friends and work associates. Don’t do “every thing you can” for your children. Do everything you can for yourselves so they will have a good environment to grow within. Don’t try to give them everything you can… give yourselves everything you can so they won’t have to take care of you when you are older because you squandered your money and energy on them to make sure they like you.

I don’t need to scare you with the red flag but if my impressions are right and it wasn’t for the purpose of explain that you are good parents to the readers I think I can predict how this child will turn out. These kids will be perfect kids until they are around the age of 18. In fact they are exceptionally children. Then at that point they will flip out and become problems. Usually will need psychiatric help. It almost seems that they are trying to be so perfect and then once they get on their own they do all the things that they devoted their life not to doing. This isn’t about kicking up your heels, feeling your oats, etc… since this is about doing things that even the child (young adult) knows is unacceptable but also knows that they need help.

Three different friends came seeking my advice about their adult child and two of them told me over and over again (until I was the one that was blue in the face) how they “did everything they could” for the child. Of course I knew that and didn’t approve of it at the time they were raising their children. In my instance, all mine were girls and so were the three friends. Boys are a mystery to me other than they seem lot easier to rear.

In my opinion it is far more important to make a “REAL” environment for your kids than a “perfect” environment. Don’t study the books and implement something that isn’t natural to you. Don’t spend a lot of time making corrections on how your parents raised you to make your child’s upbringing more perfect. At the very worst, if you raise your kids exactly like your parents raised you, they will turn out like you.

BTW, the your real friendship with your kids will develop in their 20’s to 30’s.

Answer 9

My son is 6.5 yrs old and tells me the same thing when he is in trouble. It stems from them not getting their way about whatever item they are in trouble with.

I say "thank you" and walk away. Still give a time out and then let him up if he can be a good boy.

Its normal. I said it to my mom, my brother and so on. Take it with a grain of salt and keep trekking, one day they'll admit they really love you!

Good Luck!

Answer 10

I would have to say that the fact your child said this to you, means you are doing a great job as a parent! Really! It means you have set down some rules and boundaries for your child and stuck by them. Because she did not get her wya, she tried to punish you in the only way she knew how. My daughter has said the same to me. I know she doesn't mean it. I tell her i love her anyway, and she can't do anything to change it. And that the reason I don't lert her (eat candy for dinner, ride in the car without a seat belt, etc) is because I DO love her.

Try not to take it to heart. Pretend it doesn't bother you in fron of her.