Willys cynical thought for the day;
There can not be freedom of religion without freedom from religion!
Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday school class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
Put stray dogs in coat closets.
Un-tune the piano.
Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven."
Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
Start a wave.
Do cool things with the lighting.
When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff."
Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
Make up your own words to the songs.
Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh sh*t. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT F***ING THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
Dress all in black, or in camo.
Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two.
Change sets for the evening service.
If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone," throw it in.
Inflate balloons, then send them off.
Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me" and lick them.
Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
Blow bubbles.
Fake a possession.
Distribute condoms.
Speak in tongues.
Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
Drool in the collection plate.
Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry."
At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.
http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/
2006-07-02 08:12:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
From; WILLYS JOKES 3/15/06 Fun things for Non-Christians to do in church... If ya wanna get my jokes send an email to willybluesman87@hotmail.com with 'Subscribe' in the subject line!
2006-07-02 08:13:14 · update #1
Why would one be interested in attending a church?
2006-07-02 09:48:09 · answer #1 · answered by hopflower 7 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Putting their head under water? Are you talking about baptism? If anything but baptism, I'd say silly too. It's possible you're going to a full gospel church. What was once known as 'holy rollers'. If this is the case, I'll try to explain. In a full gospel church, the members believe in all the gifts of the Spirit. This includes, teaching/praying in tongues with interpretations/visions and dreams/and more. What is referred to as 'slain in the spirit', is found many times in the Bible. Stories where you read someone fell under God's power, or fell prone at the sight of an angel. It is said, in the Bible, that God abides in our praises. It's true. When you lift up your voice and begin to praise God, it provides an avenue by which both your spirit and His is able to commune together. It's 'party time' for the Holy Spirit. It's the rare moment when the Holy Spirit is able, by your permission, to be open and freely express love. It's impossible to experience this freely open comforting from the Holy Spirit and stay conscious. It's like passing out. It's a total and absolute rest from this world. Experiencing it, is so very sweet and comforting, that folks don't want to let it go. It is also during this experience, the Lord speaks plainly. I've witnessed healings, as a result. When the Holy Spirit is alive and like lightening, the devil leaves immediately because he can't stand the presence of the Lord. So for the believer, this is an absolute rest. If indeed, it's a Spirit filled church you are attending, don't begrudge folks that blessing.You sit there long enough and the night will come when something brushes across the back of your neck and you look and nobody is there. Chills run down your body and you just want to cry, you don't know why. The fact is, we never know how tired we are until we experience total rest. This experience is better than any spa. It ignites the believer and replenishes their hope in tomorrow. It's medicine.
2016-03-27 01:22:39 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Obviously funnier for the non-christian who doesn't go to church. But I think christians would not find this funny, kind of 'desecrating the sanctuary' so to speak. But I get your intention - some churches are simply boring.
2006-07-02 15:10:49 · answer #3 · answered by rapturefish 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If someone is a Non Christian, they won't be going to church. Very foolish question.
2006-07-02 08:18:47 · answer #4 · answered by Roxton P 4 · 3⤊ 2⤋
That was a good laugh...
2006-07-02 08:22:11 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Incredibly funny. Thanks for the laugh.
2006-07-02 08:31:14 · answer #6 · answered by reverenceofme 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
fart
2006-07-02 08:58:08 · answer #7 · answered by chris l 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋