My 24 year old daughter moved back home after divorce.?

Question

She's broke, but working on a plan with CCCS to pay off her bills. I have certain rules to abide by, like no smoking in the house, and don't bring home overnight guests. I feel like she resents the rules and I understand her frustration in being under the rules of her mother, but I feel very unappreciated. Mother's Day came and went without even a word. She "borrows" things without asking and doesn't return them. Whenever I say anything, and it is always done in a respectful tone, she gets defensive. She told me she is moving out and in with a friend. I'm thinking, I'm pretty angry that she is willing to pay her friend $325 and I haven't seen a cent out of her. I put her on my calling plan and she has racked up a $200 bill and hasn't paid me anything on it. I am going to cancel the service. Last year she tried to commit suicide. She lived out-of-state. I want to be supportive without enabling her. It's driving me crazy!

Answer 1

First of all calm down and take a deep breath. The things you talk about are insignificant in the big picture of things. Who cares about $200 when it comes to your daughter who just went through a divorce, and tried to commit suicide? Listen carefully, she is no doubt going through a rough time right now. She needs your love and support. And feel free to give it, because it sounds to me like she's trying to be responsible with her credit, which means she's not a free loader if she's talking about moving out. Don't cancel the phone service, let her talk to her friends who can also help her through this difficult time. Now here is where it gets tricky, your rules of no smoking in the house and no overnight guest should stick. Do not let her do these things. These two rules you have set down are moral and realistic. I mean you shouldn't smoke in the house anyways and as far as guests go, if she really wants to let the men be men and get a motel, or take them to their house. Give her love, don't nag, don't let her walk on your rules. A few months from now she'll realize that you helped her through a difficult time. You know my mom used to tell me, "I'll give you a helping hand, not a hand out."

Answer 2

You have every right to be angry. There are a lot of issues going on here. She does need to live by your rules and she does need to pay you or contribute in some way.

She may need medication for depression - she is going through her own issues with the ending of a marriage - whether brought on by herself or not, there is a healing process. I would require her to see a doctor for medication and treatment would be one of the rules of her staying in your home.

She may need to move out. Another reason to make an appointment with a psychiatrist - you need some objective input from a trained person getting all the details. I'd go with her. Although what she tells the doctor is confidential, he/she can talk to both of you, giving valuable input.

You and your daughter are not in a place she can be a giver. I hope she will learn that, but, it isn't going to be now.

A really difficult situation - best wishes - I hope it gets better soon.
Do you have a support system?

Answer 3

i was 24 when i left my husband due to abuse and had to move into my parents' b/c otherwise i would have been homeless. i went from being an equal back to being a child, (in their eyes) and that is very difficult to live with. going from being on your own - no one to answer to, to back to feeling like you have to answer for everything little thing you do.

as far as rent with a friend - have you ever asked her to help with household bills or rent? if you've never made it known that you expect it then you shouldn't get upset about it now. it might not occur to her that you expect her to pay you back. after all you are her mother - so when she looks back on growing up - that may not be how things where then.

you also need to take into consideration WHY her marriage ended. that will make a huge difference in how she acts now and for a long time in the future.

if you've never been divorced - then you can't know what she's going through - and she knows that. so when you say you understand - she's gonna know its not true.

if she has recently tried to harm herself - she needs help and understanding - a therapist would be a huge help - and since suicide was involved - medication would also help.

Answer 4

You're her mother and she's at an age where she can take care of herself. Tell her you expect her to pay you back for all the money she's wasted (as it's obvious she can if she's willing to pay a friend $125 more than what is owed) and the next time she thinks about moving back home that you are still the boss of her and she is still required to follow your rules or she's not to come through your doorway at all.

Tough love is sometimes the best love.

Answer 5

My parents let me move back in twice. Once after I got out of the military and once again after my divorce. They allowed me to live rent free but not chore free while I was there. They never put me on there cell phone bill or anything like that. I had to live by their rules which were flexible, but I had to notify them if I would be home late. I think that the two of you needed to sit down and discuss all of the rules prior to her moving in. My parents have since changed all of the bedrooms (4) into different work areas so none of their children can move back home for any amount of time. I would cancel her calling plan and tell her that if she doesn't like your rules to go ahead and move out than not offer to help her financially. It is called tough love, my parents used it on me to get me to be more financially secure and had me justify anytime that I borrowed money from them. I would suggest that your daughter get some major counseling from a professional. There are social services that have sliding scales based on income.

Answer 6

There's a reason your daughter is divorced--and I think you just answered THAT question with YOUR question!
Tell her to grow up, get out and get on with her life. Let her move, let her pay rent, and CHANGE THE LOCKS.
For crying out loud, she is 24 and you put her on your calling plan? And why is she "broke"? Hmmm, spent all her money AND her husbands? Now she's working on YOUR money, Mom!
Of course, if you enjoy being miserable and complaining about how ungrateful she is, how unappreciated you are, then by all means, keep on truckin'.

Answer 7

Your daughter sounds like a real loser, but you know what they say "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Why would you charge your family rent when they need help. Stop being petty and be there for her. You can show someone love and support without enabling that person. These so called rules to most people are just common sense and although it is too late to change her outlook her insolence was ultimately from bad upbringing. Good Luck

Answer 8

If she can pay a friend $325, she could probably afford a small apartment/room with someone else. You didn't mention if this was a borrowed amount, though. You also don't mention if there are kids involved. Probably goo if there isn't. She doesn't sound very responsible.

If you can afford it, it might be worth your effort to get her set up in a small apartment. It will get her out of your house and give her the freedom that she thinks she deserves.

Answer 9

Being a parent is the toughest and most rewarding job there is.....however, sometimes it just seems tough, doesn't it? One thing we forget to teach our children is how to budget their money.....how to make it out there with bills and responsibilities.
Tell her you understand how tough it is and how hard it is for everybody and you want to help her build her credit so that she can one day own a home of her own.
Show her how you do it and then set up a plan....rent ) very reasonable but, she will still be asble to take pride in saying that she paid it..........even if it is working around the house for it)
I would tell her that in helping her to build her credit you will get her a phone in her name....pay so many minutes a month........if she goes over she has to pay that. Tell her that you always awant her to be able to get a hold of you and be safe so you feel a cell phone is neccessary. However, you can get two hundred minute plans and anything over that has to be purchased additionally....etc.
Also talk about how you understand she is an adult and responsible for her self...............then give her some responsibility around the house.
Don't give in on your two rules. They are enforced because of your love for her.
You are a great mom...............she is going through a difficult time and has lost pride.

Answer 10

Well I think that there has to be a happy medium. For instance, you are putting rules on her, for a few different reasons. 1.) Its your house, so you are entitled to live within your own comfort zone..and 2.) you don't want HER too comfortable. If she is, then what would she have to push her to get her life back on track and get her own place? So, I think its very loving and supportive to offer up your place as a STEP to her getting her own..and I think you should place a time frame by which she has to GET her own place. At 24 she is perfectly capable of supporting herself, and so I think as long as everything that you do to help her is with that in mind, then you are not enabling her to be dependent on you and to take advantage of you. You are being a parent. Maybe look at the apartment ad's and help her look for areas....keep the *her own place* as the #1 priority..because I think some adult children look at moving back home as *going home* to be taken care of instead of staying the adults they already were and taking care of their own issues. Good luck! =)