What is your funniest joke????? Then one that has me rolling on the floor get 10 easy points!?

Answer 1

Paddy’s wife Mary had warned him that if he did not do the hovering whilst she was out shopping, he need not expect her to do anything for him for the next month. So he got stuck in and did the house from top to bottom. Whilst in the spare room, he was obliged to move a box from under the spare bed. He of course opened it and to his surprise he found about one thousand pounds and four eggs. As soon as Mary returned he challenged her and after an initial denial she made a full confession. ‘I am sorry Paddy’ she cried ‘but whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg into the box’. Paddy thought to himself that four eggs in 25 years of marriage was not too bad but then asked her about the cash. ‘Well’ she said ‘I have told you the truth so far, so I might as well tell you the rest. You see, whenever the eggs came to a dozen, I sold them for cash’.

Answer 2

There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.

There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.

There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.

There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.

There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.

So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.

The moral of the story is...When the fly drops six inches the pus*sy gets wet.

Answer 3

Here r a few...
The Mommy Test.....

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I asked her not to do that.

"Why?

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

"Oh." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Grampa's driving


Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say 'idiot!' afterwards

25 signs you've grown up:

1.. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2.. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3.. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4.. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5.. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6.. You watch the Weather Channel.
7.. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8.. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9.. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10.. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11.. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12.. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13.. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14.. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15.. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16.. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17.. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18.. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19.. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20.. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21.. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22.. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23.. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24.. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25.. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you!!!

Answer 4

An excellent contribution sent in by Soni which isn’t a joke but funny nonetheless.

An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS”.
The attendant replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?” she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.”
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, “F*** You!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too.”

Answer 5

A group of guys are in a bar and one of them walks up to the bartender and bets him $500 that he can pee in a beer mug from across the bar and not spill a drop. Considering the odds of it the bar tender agrees to the bet and sets the mug across from the man on the bar.

The man unzipped his pants and began to focus on the mug. He starts to pee and he pisses all over the bar, all over the customers, a monkey, and even the bartender.

The bartender starts laughing because he just made $500. The bartender says to the guy, "Where is my money?" And the guy walks back to the table where his friends are and comes back smiling and gives the money to the bartender.

The bartender is puzzled why the man was smiling after losing $500 and asks the man, "Why are so happy you lost the bet?"

The man replies, "I might have lost the bet with you, but I bet my budies over there $2000 that I could piss on you, your bar, and your customers and you'd laugh about it."

Answer 6

An granny and her grandchild are walking down the street the grandchild finds 50 dollars. The grandma says leave it dont pick up anything from the floor its dirty the same thing hsppens again but this time the grandchild finds 100 dollars the granny says leave it dont pick things up from the floor. Then later his granny falls down. His granny says pick me up. the kid says sorry you told me not to pick up dirt from the floor!!

Answer 7

God and the Harley Davidson Inventor


Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Answer 8

okay here's 1 get ready to be on the floor for a while.

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Answer 9

a hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says im sorry but we dont serve food here

Answer 10

A man comes home and sees his neighbour's son digging a hole over the fence.

Man: "What are you digging that hole for?"

Little Boy (with a quiver in his voice): "I'm burying my canary."

Man: "That's an awfully big hole for a canary."

Little Boy: "He's inside your f***ing cat!"