My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. We have a 2 month old daughter and he says that I am the one he's going to be with forever, but he will not propose. He talks to me about wedding details and he asked me to start planning it because he wants a short engagement and he knows it will take me a while to plan a wedding. He has told me that before he does, we have to stop having big arguements. Well, we only have one every 3 weeks but when we do, it's started because of something he does. I am trying so hard to make him perfectly happy, but it seems like he's doing nothing different than from before. Any advice PLEASE???
2006-07-02 03:16:07 · 19 answers · asked by Mischelle 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Why don't you talk to him about it? Let him know that you are trying really hard to cut down on the arguments, but you feel as if his actions are leading to them. Do you let him know why you are angry with him and how you feel about what he is doing and perhaps what he can do to modify his behavior so that you will not feel so hurt or angry with him? Have the two of you tried to compromise about the things that are upsetting you?
Your relationship shouldn't be only about pleasing him and making him happy - you (and especially your daughter) need to be happy in the relationship too. It is important for you to set realistic boundaries for him, and him to do the same for you.
Personally, I wouldn't try to rush him into proposing. Take care of your daughter, work on your relationship, and have fun planning the wedding (if you would like) when you have the time. It sounds like he really wants to get married - especially since he is interested in talking about the wedding details and is happy that you are working on planning it. Give it some time...
Good luck. I hope that it works out well for you.
2006-07-02 03:32:54 · answer #1 · answered by Only_my_opinion 4 · 4⤊ 1⤋
First of all, your boyfriend has good sense to recognize that the two of you have serious issues that need to be resolved before you can expect a decent marriage.
It is too bad that you didn't have the good sense to NOT have a baby so early in your relationship. That's already a huge commitment, and one he is just getting used to.
It also sounds like you are trying to hard. You can't do that. You need to be yourself. You can't make him happy. that is something he has to do for himself. It also sounds like you may still be experiencing the big hormonal mood swings that come after having a baby.
So chill out for awhile and allow life to settle a bit. Think of it this way - IF you are truly planning to spend the rest of your lives together than what's the rush? He's here, he still loves you and there's no hurry as you know he'll be here tomorrow.
So slow down the wedding plans for now and just enjoy this time together.
You also would be wise to see a couples therapist so you can work through your problems and start out married life on a solid foundation.
2006-07-02 03:26:31 · answer #2 · answered by Lori A 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to realize that it takes two and he's not the only one that will have to change. It sounds like he is doing the right thing to wait until you guys can work together as a team and communicate better. He also may want to suprise you, and how can he do that with you asking him all the time about getting engaged? A year isn't that long. You need to work out the problems first. Not to say you won't have any once you are married, but you should know how to argue constructively. Good luck!
2006-07-02 03:22:10 · answer #3 · answered by tmac 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you're in a hurry to get married because of your daughter? Try not to be impatient, because when you do that, you marry the wrong guy. I know the two of you have a duaghter together, so that halfway makes the decision for you. But putting pressure on him is only going to make him take longer. Just take it easy and enjoy you're relationship as is. Take care of the wedding thing when you get there. If you relax, maybe you won't have even 3 fights a week. You can't make him do anything better, but you sure can do things better yourself, possible making him want to change. Don't expect him to make a decision about his life based on your terms.
Thanks for the compliment by the way ;)
2006-07-02 05:40:21 · answer #4 · answered by Rockstar 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The part where you are working to assure "his" perfect happiness worries me because I can't see you keeping that up for 40 or 50 years. I see marriage as a partnership. You should be doing things that please each other. Have you thought about pre-marital counseling? Some religions (Catholic) require it. It might be a way for you both to learn how to argue more effectively. I know you want to get married soon because of the child, but I think it's more important that you are certain that you and your boyfriend make a solid foundation for a happy marriage. That will help ensure happiness for the three of you for the longest possible time. (I think we can all agree divorce isn't easy on kids.) So, don't feel there is so much of a deadline. Rather aim for the goals of more effective communication and more effective arguing. Yes, you can still argue, you just have to learn how to do it productively. A therapist can help. Good luck to you.
2006-07-02 03:54:40 · answer #5 · answered by away team 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't usually give this advice to questions like yours, but DUMP HIM, and do it NOW! All that stuff and nonsense about you have to stop having arguements before you get married is called "controlling behavior." If your "trying so hard to make him perfectly happy, but it seems like he's doing nothing different than from before," you've hit the nail right on the head, and answered your own question.
He won't change except for the worse. You and your daughter will end up in a shelter for abused women and children, because he is trying to mentally control you right now by putting all these conditions on loving you. You won't like this advice, but get out while you can and before the mental abuse changes to physical abuse and puts your child in danger. Check out your local women's support/domestic abuse organizations on-line, and go to them for further information and support. Good Luck and best wishes.
2006-07-02 03:26:19 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't start planning a wedding without a date. In fact, you practically CAN'T. Most of the vendors you will work with will want a date. I'm not sure why your bf want to do this whole thing backwards. He gets a ring, proposes, and THEN you start planning a wedding. Maybe he's not as ready to do this as he leads on.
2006-07-02 05:05:43 · answer #7 · answered by blueskies7890 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Firstly, it does take two to tango in an arguement. Weddings cost a lot if you want a traditional one. Maybe he is just waiting for the right time. And if you loved him, it shouldn't matter. Life is about the journey, not the destination!
2006-07-02 03:22:19 · answer #8 · answered by Mark D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell the guy to give you a date NOW....and be man enough to stand up as the father of your child. If he doesn't, tell him it's off. Don't take this lying down. This is serious. Then again, do you want to marry a man who has no balls and can't stand up and be mature about his responsibilities? When he argues with you, he's trying to take the emphasis off of his responsibility and put it back on you. Don't let him get away with it, honey. If you do, you will never have a decent relationship with him.....is he worth the effort?
2006-07-02 03:20:37 · answer #9 · answered by Sassy OLD Broad 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't change him or force him to do anything so stop trying. You are just pushing him away. Live for the moment. Enjoy your daughter and him. Being married will not fix anything or make your life perfect. You don't want to be a divorced single mom, do you?
2006-07-02 03:20:39 · answer #10 · answered by therego2 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋