Compromises?

Question

When my girlfriend and I have a disagreement, this often results in an argument. I understand that conflict is a normal part of a relationship, and that it is important for both parties to be willing to deal with this by compromising. I think my girlfriend finds this very difficult to do - it often feels to be 'her way or no way' - and if I suggest a compromise she accuses me of not thinking of her and always thinking of myself/other people.

How can I encourage a more peaceful & understanding relationship?

Answer 1

Talk about it when you are not both wound up. But, if she is an unreasonable person who has been brought up to think that her opinion is the only one that counts, you may have your work cut out.

Answer 2

I'll make an educated guess that she also feels you are "my way or no way" and uncompromising at times.

Relationships can often be improved by learning better negotiating techniques. Read books on mediation and negotiation. They will give you good techniques to make your arguments more peaceful.

I have had a romantic relationship for many years. I don't like many of the connotations that come with the word "compromise". Often "compromise" ends up meaning both people are unhappy, and neither reaches fulfilment. Please understand that in any long term romantic commitment/relationship there will be important issues that you will not "agree" or not "compromise" on. You will realize there will always be some very important issues to you or your parnter that will not be compromised, and will be constant points of conflict. But knowing that condition/status is normal is somewhat consoling and worry-lessening.

I mention this because sometimes love is a negotiated truce/agreement that concedes the "uncompromises" will always remain.

On a practical note, in those areas where you can't compromise, sometimes a VERY GOOD solution is to ALTERNATE instead of trying to average or meet near halfway (averaging and meeting half way are also great solutions often, but those are solutions more often considered than alternating). In other words, let's say your positions are opposite and even adversarial, so they can't be "averaged". Sometimes agreeing to allow the other to promote their position part of the time and then allowing you to promote your adversarial position an equal, alternate amount of the time is a good, workable solution.

Another example, let's say you have a high sex drive and her sex drive is low (or vice versa). Cognitively, the answer may not be to "average out" the difference between. I.E. - She wants sex once a week and you want it 5 times a week. 2.5 times a week probably will not be ideal or "happy" for either of you. In that case, alternating days, allowing each person every other day to lead, define, & initiate the level of sexual intimacy may be a good mental solution. This is because each knows the compromise is fairly balanced. Each knows that while things may not be at their optimum level today, they can be tomorrow. And every other day it gives each person a "day off" from being the leader. "Sacrifices" are easier to make when there is clear understanding they are equally weighted and equally given.

You are asking a great question, and she probablly knows she's lucky to have a guy like you who is actively seeking answers to such a question.

Answer 3

Tell her how you feel. Stay calm, even if she gets angry. Perhaps there is misunderstanding because neither of you are listening to the other or expecting each other to understand without actually saying what's on your mind. If you find you can't see where she's coming from ask her to explain her feelings because you want to understand but may be missing the point.
The other thing is that women sometimes just want to talk about their feelings on something and men think that they have to find an answer to the problem which can come across as 'I know best' without understanding why she's upset or annoyed. In the same way, if you are able to tell her why you feel differently on the matter, maybe a compromise would be easier to find. Good luck.

Answer 4

Compromise is always better but everyone has some issues about which they won't budge. (Taking it up the batty!)

Try and find out what they are first, and talk them though.

Answer 5

tell her how you feel...honesty is the best policy! but also if you two are argueing so much you have to ask yourself the question are we right for each other? is it worth carrying on with this relationship? good luck

Answer 6

Next time she fails to compromise, walk out!!!

Answer 7

talk about it when your not trying to settle something -- so she doesn't have to feel defensive

Answer 8

well tell her that she should listen to you as well