does this whole paragraph sound good?

Question

I'm just wanting to know because I want it to be perfect.
This paragraph

This aims to thoroughly outline Australia’s response to the threat of Communism and all the reasons for Australia’s involvement in the Vietnam War. The following will be discussed how Australia responded to Communism and the reasons behind their involvement in the Vietnam War.

Answer 1

This aims to thoroughly outline Australia’s response to the threat
of Communism and all the reasons for Australia’s involvement in
the Vietnam War.
(rewrite "all the reasons for" as "the reasons behind" - this enhances the language a bit and takes out extra words like 'all.' Remember, extra words only clutter the point.)



OR
(Only choose one part of the paragraph. Otherwise, you will be redundant. It's better to have a sentence long paragraph then a ten sentence paragraph that repeats the same thing over an over.



The following will be discussed how Australia responded to Communism and the reasons behind their involvement in the Vietnam War.
("The following will be discussed how" is worded horribly. Try something like 'in the following paragraphs, the..." This way, the reader knows exactly what you're introducing.)

Answer 2

I recommend:
This aims to thoroughly outline Australia's response to Communism and all the reasons for the country's involvement in the Vietnam War. How Australia responded to the threat and the reasons behind its involvement in the Vietnam War will be discussed.

Answer 3

Corrections marked by "-- --"
This aims to thoroughly outline Australia’s response to the threat of Communism and all --of-- the reasons for Australia’s involvement in the Vietnam War. The following --that-- will be discussed --is-- how Australia responded to Communism and the reasons behind their involvement in the Vietnam War.

Answer 4

Try to avoid passive voice as much as possible (such as "will be discussed"), and combine these to one sentence, since both sentences make the same statement--that the essay is about Australia's response to communism and its reasons for getting involved in the Vietnam war. Also, "aims" is kind of weak; outlining is something that no one should doubt that your essay can do. It doesn't aim or try to outline, it simply outlines (or evaluates or analyzes if it goes beyond a simple outline).

So, why not something straightforward like: "This essay [or whatever it is] will examine Australia's response to the threat of communism and reasons for entering the Vietnam War."

Then either continue your paragraph (right now it can't really stand alone as a paragraph) with more details about either how you're going to approach or structure your discussion OR precede this sentence with more general background information about Australia's involvement in the war or attitude toward communism, ending your first paragraph with this sentence to transition to the body of your paper.

P.S. Sorry if the above sounds nitpicky or overly critical; it's not that I think you're a bad writer or anything, just trying to help make it "perfect" as you requested! ;)

Good luck!

Answer 5

I would say you are repeating yourself. You basically say the same thing twice.

How about just:
"This aims to thoroughly outline Australia's response to the threat of Communism and list the reasons for Australia's involvement in the Vietnam War."

Keep it concise, to the point, avoid being wordy.
good luck with it!

Answer 6

You should have a subject with the word this.

This (whatever you are talking about) aims to thoroughly outline...
I always got points off of work for making unclear pronoun references..

Answer 7

Autralia's involvment in the Vietnam war and their response to Communism is due mainly to .......... then you can elaborate.
Your 1st sentence is fine

Answer 8

comma after Communism, and colon (:) after "the following will be discussed" other than that ok!

Answer 9

it is fine... but something has to be better than this following....it has to be different, i think.. may be it is my writing style, but urs is pretty great...