how do i get him to accept that it is over? how do i fight with a manipulative abuser?

Question

my husband and i have been on the outs for years now.(he is verbally and emotionally abusive and i have been in counseling for five years now) i have tried numerous times to get him to leave but each time he promised to change ,so, about a year ago he convinced me that building a new house would help us start over. well, week after week , i have grown to recent him once again and i cannot imagine moving into the new house to begin a future with him that i do not want. i have been wrenched with anguish over this and i don't think i would've ever said anything but last week he backed me in a corner on where "we" were and i told him that i just cannot stay with him. i told him that he could stay until the house was done and then he could just move out at that time. he
does not want to do that , he says that i am taking what could be a new beginning in a brand new house and ruinning it. he is also saying stuff like " i know your just messed up right now, you're not thinking clear"

Answer 1

Abuse comes in many forms, Physical, Mental, and Emotional and no one deserves to experience or live with any of the three. Most abusers are also very jealous and controlling and it's difficult to reason with anyone in that shape. Sometimes you have to just get away. As far as the house is concerned it may be unrealistic to expect him to just leave but sometimes you have to separate yourself from that which is binding you to him. If he is abusive protect yourself by isolation from him and if needed a restraining order. If that's not the case then you definitely need to be forceful with your communication and go ahead and file for divorce as that is very certain. I sense he does love you but he needs to realize that sometimes when you love someone it means you have to let them go. I also know you need and want him to leave the house and you but being married it is both of yours and he could be using the house to hold on to as if it was you. By removing yourself from the house, getting your own place to say for a while, you are demonstrating that it is not your desire to remain with him. Divorce can later settle who gets the house and how things are split.

Answer 2

Don't fight, just walk away. The best thing to do when a relationship has become toxic is to walk away. The only way to start over is to change, not just your environment, but the way you communicate and think. It is very hard for people to change, even when they want to. Manipulative people have the hardest time because they can trick themselves into thinking they have changed. They can actually manipulate themselves. I know that it is hard to walk away from a relationship, especially when the other wants you to stay. He is the one that is messed up for trying to make you second guess yourself. If you are truly unhappy, get a lawyer and protect yourself.

Answer 3

When I actually had the strength to leave my emotionally abusive husband he finally realized its over. As long as I kept staying he kept trying to change me instead of him. He also thinks I have mental problems and will come to my senses and want him back. After all(his thinking)why wouldn't anyone that is sane think he is the greatest.

Answer 4

If it is truly over, then you have to be from and MAKE him understand that, perhaps you shouldn't have gotten into building this new house together and now maybe he feels like this was all a big game, but either way, you have to be firm and stick to your guns. If you really want it to be over, then do it. If you have to, then you leave, but do what you must to get away from him and be happy. GOOD LUCK

Answer 5

a abusive man doesnt change no matter what happens, they have control, they know it and they use it...a new house will NOT change things only give him more control...your not the one who is messed up, he is..plzz leave him soon as you can, cause it only gets worse, if you have to look for a new begginning after 5 years with him, a new house isnt going to help nune...nuthing will..leave him now, he has no rite to control you, or make you scared of him..good luck.

Answer 6

Stay away from the abuser! Far, far away! As long as you two are intereacting he has control! So, leave! Stay gone! Don't tell him where you're going! And if you're in counseling, you need to pay attention to the counselor! He/she has probably told you the same thing!

Answer 7

if u want out as much as u say you do it is very easy for u to just stroll down to the court house and file for a divorce. further more if u want to be very sneaky about it just tell the court that u do not know where ur husband is and that he abandoned you. they never check that and u will get ur divorce immediatly. u tell them that his address is unkown. this is of corse if u do not want n e thing from him during the divorce. you could always shave all ur hair off and pretend to be gay. do something dramatic that u know will turn him away from you. good luck

Answer 8

um rather than forceing an abusive controling person out have u tryed just leaveing? there are plenty of places for women with abusive husbands. and if that dosent work try tacking the devorce papers to his head.

Answer 9

if you know that you can't stand him what made you think a new house would help...that is like having a baby to save a marriage...now you have a new house and more problems...tell him to enjoy the new house and you move on to a new life

Answer 10

He knows he can manipulate you, and will keep doing so until you finally take action. Don't believe him anymore, and get out!!! Find some friends to stay with who will give you the encouragement and strength to resist the temptation of believing his bullshit, and start to have more selfrespect. Unless you have respect for yourself, don't expect he, or others, to show it to you.