My sister met a guy from Angola in Spain and they got married.. after they had a baby with great complications at birth, mind you, the guy started beating her and she can't phisically take that kind of abuse... She had to call the police becasue he was about to kill her on Easter Sunday... since then they were apart for two months and then she made up with him!!! I am soo frustrated for the way she handeled this, she says that she loves the guy, did u have any similar experiences? how can I tell her best to leave the guy... this is her second abusive marriage, she's soo good looking, but such a magnet for jerks!
2006-07-01 16:29:14 · 8 answers · asked by Pivoine 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
P.S. She's in Spain, I'm in the USA, thank God! I can't be there with her to help her and that's what's killing me.
2006-07-02 13:08:27 · update #1
Form experience let me say that when you have a loved one in this type of situation the more you push them the harder they will run towards what is hurting them. Abusers are about power and when something or someone threatens that power that is when they rage. My best friend (whom I call my soul-sister) was with her husband for 4 years. He beat her and burned her and abused her in everyway that you can imagine physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. When she finally divorced him for some reason she could not stay away from him. She kept saying that since she had actually left it made him wake up and that she "just knows" that he will never do it again. When I asked her how she knew he wouldnt she would say "Because he told me" like everything he had ever lied about had never happened. I was so scared for her and actually had to fight with myself not to hate him for making her so weak ( i try hard not to allow hate into my heart or life). Well one day I got the call I had been dreading for 4 and a half years. Her mom called to tell me that he had kidnapped her from outside her work and no one had seen her for 2 days. I panicked. I was in Georgia she in Kentucky. I started calling everyone that I could think of and when I finally got a hold of him he said shes fine and hung up and would not answer the phone again. The next call I got was from her saying that she was in the hospital with 62 stitches in her throat and 10 in her hand. He had cut her throat. Thank god she lived but not without a constant reminder on her neck of what almost happened. Well guess what she married another abuser not even 2 years later.
I would push her to leave them both and she only stayed. It wasnt until I finally told her listen I cannot watch you do this to yourself. I cannot be a part of the life that you have chosen for yourself any longer. Unless something drastic happens i dont want to hear about problems with the 2 of you. I dont want to hear about how he shoved you into the wall or locked you in the closet. I dont want to hear about any of it. I removed myself from her life and she finally saw what he was. But unfortunately it took another hospital stay for her to finally realize what she was doing. She has left him as well and I am so happy.
A lot of times women (or men- it happens) in these situation believe that they deserve it and that they do not deserve any better. It is going to take something drastic to open your sisters eyes. I just hope that it is not something happening to her child. Just support her but DO NOT SUGAR COAT ANYTHING!!! Tell her straight that way she will always know how you feel without feeling like she doesnt deserve your love. I know this is long but I feel very passionate about getting women out of these situations. If you want to talk more please feel free to write me at lvb524@verizon.net.
2006-07-01 16:58:44 · answer #1 · answered by lvb524 3 · 5⤊ 0⤋
You can only encourage her and stand by her. Let her know you will be there for her when she is ready to leave him for good. Only she can make that happen. Some females are very dedicated to the thought that things will get better.. mostly they don't but you can't change either of them. Hang in there and keep telling her your on her side and there for her. and if you ever run into a sit where the abuse is going on... call the police and help her press charges at the time. With your support one way or another she has a shot at making it. Even if a child is involved... watch for abuse there and call the authorities quickly if you notice any signs.
2006-07-01 16:38:24 · answer #2 · answered by angel334u_99 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be there for her. If you see the abuse first hand, call the police. She may not speak to you for awhile, but at least you'll get the sick SOB away from her for awhile. In a lot of states now, once the police are called, the victim doesn't have to press charges, the DA's office take over and press charges. I know. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 18 yrs before I had the courage to get a lawyer. I had only one problem but the attorney and the judge hearing my case felt my husband & I should stay married (we had 4 young children). The judge gave him 5 yrs probation and he had to go to anger management classes, stop drinking, and we had to go to a marriage councelor both together and separately. My husband loved our family enough to change. Thank God he was in the Navy & we have a VA hospital near us. For 5 yrs we went to counceling. 40 yrs & 11 grandchildren later, we are still together. It hasn't been easy, but we both work at our marriage the right way. Try to encourage you sister to seek help. Only when she is ready to free herself, she will take the first step. Keep telling her she is a great person and she can do better even if it means she has to be on her own. I've already proven I can support myself, my children with or without a man in my life, but I'm very happy that both my husband & myself had to courage to change and make a better life for our family. God be with you & you sister.
2006-07-01 16:55:33 · answer #3 · answered by pmz 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been in the same situashon from a guy the thing is you just have to let them go and live there life even thow you fell powerless the only way to deal with it is to let her deal with it on her own like i did i know it may be hard but she will know just remeber they love you and try and support them as mutch as you can and if she needs you be ther for her but do not take things in your own controll she will reject you and things but remeber if for some way you could tell her once a beater always a beater and it will never get better it may for awhile but then it will start all over agin but it will get worse each and everytime but never stop loving her no matter what and always be there and help her when she needs you other then that if you are a religius person just do alot off praying and don't stop well i hope i helped to awser your question if not sory if i did and you what to talk more my email is hot931uss@yahoo.com take care and god bless you
2006-07-01 16:44:33 · answer #4 · answered by hot931uss 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
whilst a guy or woman is on drugs and have faith they're doing what they desire, they gained't hear to absolutely everyone and could no longer take any suggestion so which you basically ought to apply annoying love and stay out of her existence. i understand this is annoying yet that'll artwork in case you desire her to come again around, she would be in a place to in time and consistent with threat it may be an prolonged time. i could basically write her a word and tell her you adore her and which you would be there for her if she ever desires you. reliable luck to you and bless you.
2016-11-01 01:53:07 · answer #5 · answered by mcthay 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
once an abuser always an abuser he will never stop hitting her. sadly enough it may take something drastick for your sister to see this for herself just be there for her and try not to nag her. just make suer she knows that you will allways be there for her in any situation and pray.
2006-07-01 16:38:11 · answer #6 · answered by retta 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't it has to come from her. You can just hope she grows out of it.
2006-07-01 16:41:45 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
do nothing...except remind her she deserves better.
that's all you should do, because she needs to learn self-respect.
2006-07-01 16:36:38 · answer #8 · answered by leadbelly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋