Need an hones assesment of my failed marriage (complete story)?

Question

My wife and I were married September 16th, 2000. She was 19 and I was 24 We had actually been together for 5 years before getting married (I know I robbed the cradle). She had come from a tough home with a lot of siblings. She was always very clingy and got upset if I had to work the night shift as a police dispatcher. She even got mad if I would watch the Lakers as opposed to spending every minute with her. Needless to say friends were pretty much out of the question for me. I was a volunteer firefighter and she would just get pissed if I went on a call. I came to accept this lifestyle and was fine being a work and go home husband. Right after the wedding we started our own dollar store. It did not make us rich but we had a nice house and had money to do things We had a little girl in january of 2002 and decided to move to a larger city to pursue better careers and better opportunities for our daughter. So we moved 180 miles away and both got into retail management...............

She was hourly and I was salaried so naturally I worked more hours than her. She started to get mad because I was working 50 hours a week, but at the same time she enjoyed the money. We ate out all of the time, rented movies, had nice vehicles etc. Through the years I was always an ****** if I watched the Lakers. The only friends I had were family friends that had children. I felt content though without having friends, my family was enough. In October 2005 I had the opportunity to accept a transfer to Kalispell, MT (a very beautiful area) where her sister, grandmother, and other family lived. I knew she would love it up there (although it meant moving farther away from my family) so I took the transfer. My wife insisted on purchasing a new home rather than renting, so we did. I was working a lot less hours and had great hours 6am-4pm. Things seemed to be going well for us except for the regular "laker problem". Over the past 2 years my wife wanted to be intimate less and less..........

This caused friction and made me feel unwanted. She constantly reassured me that it was her, not me and she just had a low libido. Just 4 months ago she started going out with "work friends" it started with one day a week until about 11pm and progressed to several nights a week until after 2am. I found out she was telling little lies about where she was and who she was with, I bugged her about it a little but not much. Then she dropped the "I don't love you anymore" bombshell. She cited such reasons as me watching the Lakers, growing apart, me gaining weight?, and to top it all off I was too possesive and jealous. It seemed the woman who wanted to keep me under lock and key finally wanted to spread her wings. I think it was her own feelings of guilt for not letting me have friends or a social life that made her feel possesed (sort of a guilt complex). I have since found out that she has been having (at the minimum) an emotional affair with a 27 year old cashier from her workplace......

I was heartbroken at this point, not eating or sleeping. She seemed to respond to my pain by getting angry and calling me pathetic. Out of anger I brought her family into the issue and said that my daughter could not stay with her at her sister's house because she smoked inside and drank alot. I was bitter and said a lot of mean things, I even said "I should kill you" which I absolutly did not mean and regret terribly. When I sensed that she was lying to me I turned into some sort of possesed spy, every time finding out that she was lying to me. "I miss you" cell phone messages, meeting with this guy at midnight when she said she was out getting chocolate milk for our daughter (I caught them this time, chased them down and asked what the hell they were doing). She just kept calling this guy a friend though and insisted that nothing was going on. She gave me 2 months to come back and try and work it out (if I signed a pre-dated separation agreement in advance). The next day after I.....

came home she went to work early. She spent most of the previous night telling me how she could not forgive me for the things I said about her sister and said she was scared of me. I could not resist looking at her cell phone at lunch time, sure enough she was on the phone with that prick from the time she left until she had to clock in, all this at 7am. Just a friend my ***. I met her from lunch and asked her calmly to just tell me the truth. She refused, at first saying that she did not even call him (not knowing that I checked her phone). She started calling me every name in the book, saying no one will ever love me, and a bunch of other stuff. She actually was pissed at me for finding out she could not stay away from this guy. I just stayed calm and asked for th truth which she did not provide. So I said enough was enough, packed my things, cancelled all of the bills in my name, grabbed my daughter and headed back to my parent's house where I now sit heartbroken...........

So after years of accomodating her in order to make her feel secure she puts on a pair of wings and I am supposed to smile and move on. I am so pissed at this twist of fate. She says "get a L-I-F-E life" and "make some friends". Now that it is what she wants to do it is ok for me to get friends. She has rejected any plea I have made to put our marriage back together. She has NO feelings at all for me. I have done so much for her, why did she do this. I know probably could have given her more space, but I wanted answers. Am I to blame?

Answer 1

Hi Scott...

Well, at this point, blaming someone (yourself or her) won't help put things back the way they were. At best, it might help you with new relationships in the future.

I would say that you both did some things that put you in a position where this sort of rift could occur. If I had to sum up what happened, it sound like you were a very compliant man and she was the sort of woman who wants to be in charge and have everything just the way she wants it.

You sound like a kind guy, someone who wants to make the person he loves happy, and so probably you didn't even recognize that giving her what she wanted all the time was bad for the relationship and just catering to her controlling nature and self-centeredness.

From your description of her past, I would say she married you to get out of the home. She probably hated (mild term, I mean LOATHED) being in a large family where her voice was not heard and where everything was unstable. As soon as she could get out of there, she did -- and she found in you someone who would do what she wished.

Unfortunately, to survive her childhood, she probably became very domineering, emotionally needy, and so on. She sounds like she was always too worried about her own feelings to even think a moment about how you might be feeling. She was simply worried about her own survival and happiness.

There was probably part of her that never felt content for long, so she kept filling it with things (buying stuff, the good life, the new house)... and eventually that no longer worked so she started messing around elsewhere.

Also, while she was extremely controlling, she probably unconsciously wanted you to put your foot down sometimes and challenge her. All the abuse she gave you at the end focused on you being weak, unable to find anyone, etc. From what I have seen, controlling girls might throw a fuss but also think a guy is strong when he pushes back and doesn't let them dominate him. (I'm not saying they want to be dominated... they simply respect strength and want to be challenged.)

You didn't know any of this, and you were kind enough to want to please her. She took advantage of it. She probably doesn't even know what she wants in life. She's seeking for something that she might never find.

Anyway, take what you can from her advice, even if it was delivered mean-spiritedly and without love. In the future, I would be more active and less passive. Feel free to stick up more for yourself. Don't be content letting one person put limits on your life. It's not good for them, and not good for you.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. Take care of your little girl. She will need you, not only as a protector, but as someone strong, someone who is in charge and can make decisions for both of you. You don't want her to grow up like her mom, so you will sometimes have to be firm with her; but you do want her to feel secure and know you love her.

This is all rather vague, and I know it doesn't help you feel better. I wish it did. Don't let your problems or her accusations make you feel like you're a bad person. You've got strengths and flaws like everyone else. You'll make it. You'll find new friendships and other relationships. Don't put yourself down, just commit to being more active.

Answer 2

When a marriage ends, it is an emotionally tough time. You apparently did a lot of things to accommodate your wife. However, you may not be able to see the whole picture objectively. Do you have an anger problem? If you got so angry you are talking about killing your wife(or anyone else) this might indicate you need some help in this area of anger management.

Counseling would be good through the divorce and wrapping up this dead relationship. It probably has been dead for quite a while with a lot of negative emotions running around unresolved.
The counseling will help you with your daughter and see how to handle things in a more positive manner with other women. Hopefully, you will meet someone more suited to you (a Laker's fan!) and you will have a solid relationship having learned how to resolve differences. You will be older and wiser. Try to stay close to your daughter. The very best to you in this difficult time. Better times are coming - but, it takes at least a couple years to completely heal.

Answer 3

The same thing happened to me, and I'm a woman. I'm 24 and I married a guy (he's 26) I had dated for five years, lived together for four years...He would go to work and come home to me, we were so happy. I didn't care if he went out with the boys once in a while, or to see sports (he was a big sports fanatic), as long as he put our relationship first. We were incredibly happy until six months after we got married. He started going out with old friends, lying, going to strip clubs, and then not coming home at all. I am a very attractive, fun, wild and intelligent woman, yet he chose not to pay any attention to me (the same man who could not keep his hands off of me). He tried to make me feel guilty, said I changed, but in reality, he was the one that changed, became a different person, and is living a new life.

Perharps what happened with you is that your wife was too young when she got serious with you, so she never experienced her "own" life and independence, and is now trying to get it back, albeit at a wrong time.

I think that is what my ex is doing, even though he was always free to do as he chose.

Ultimately we choose who we want to love, and we choose the amount of effort and energy we wish to bestow upon those we love.

If you kept trying, and she kept running, it was she, and not you, who chose to stop loving and caring about you. And no matter what you do, you can't make her love you the same way again.

It is a hard lesson to learn, one which I am learning as well.

Ultimately only you can give yourself the value and worth you deserve. Walk away knowing you did your best, and if she chose not to see it, that is on her.

Answer 4

Man...what a longggggg story. Here is the the thing...you should have had the balls to stand up to her years ago when she was an immature brat. NOW...why don't you borrow a set of mine and tell the cheating (yes she is cheating) woman she can move her *** out of your house and lock down the credit cards and cash..take away all of those nice things she got use to and really GET YOURSELF A LIFE and go to a LAKERS GAME! Dude, you should have been a man along time ago; she doesn't respect you at all. You'll never save this marriage and why would you want to. You can't trust the bi-tch. Find you a good woman who will want you to be happy. And stop whining about it....just do it!!

Answer 5

Well, I hope you still have your daughter because this woman seems very unstable... it seems like she almost used you to get out of the home she was in until she could make it on her own. I would not go back to her, if she is willing to destroy what seems like a nice life with you, and play the field, then is this a woman you would want to raise your daughter? Or to be a role model to your little girl? I wouldn't want that for my daughter... I wish you the best of luck. I don't think you should blame yourself, you were doing what she asked, and what she thought she wanted. But the truth is some people never know what they want. I would cut all contact with her unless it is about your kid (if she is even interseted in her, if not don't bother with the nut) You need to focus on your daughter and providing for her... GL

Answer 6

Scott, Today is what would have ben our 6 yr anniversary, but yet and still I sit slone and she with her lover. I know exactly what you feel "betrayal" and "deception"... My soon to be ex-wife grew more angry and worked up everytime I would call her out about her wierd behavorial patterns, sleeping in separate rooms, she would constantly say the meanest things to me to push me away...but would never confess up. Now I know her mental illness had some part in this but, TODAY ALL I WANT IS MY WIFE BACK ( or WHAT I THOUGHT I HAD) I miss my family!! It hurts when you put your heart and soul into a woman and family and watch it fall apart. I was a believer in Christ and believed in UNCONDITIONAL LOVE....I brought Her closer to Christ through our marriage but she couldn't grasp what UNCONDTIONAL LOVE was ( her homelife was very cold and callous through her parents and it remains this way today). I even nursed her back to health ( after surgery), when we reconciled after our 1st separation....NOT A SINGLE PERSON CAME TO VISIT HER OR CALLED HER WHILE SHE & I WERE AT THE HOSPITAL....I cleaned her everyday ( and you know what elsecame with that, because she couldn't walk & the nurses were lazy.) Love Hurts! What's kickin my butt right now is to know she is not feeling #$## about me on Today. U will make it Scott.....Me & You are on a new journey & I know it's a scary time for us! But Psalms 37 & Job 24 keeps me grounded! email me anytime: [e-mail]

GOD Bless U.... Keep the Faith - Bishop

Answer 7

Wow! What a story. First of all I want to say, "I'm sorry for your past experience."

Men should only assume the responsibility given to them. To be fruitful and multiply. You did that. I am proud of your efforts of being a police man, firefighter, dad and husband.

Look into www.familylife.com

Prepare to regain your confidence as a husband looking at it from a Godly point of view. Family life helps us men to become better fathers, husbands and men.

Wish you the best.

Answer 8

she grew up.
the girl from a tough home learned strength and confidence from you...and spread her wings.
what she hasn't learned is commitment. in my opinion many women never do, but her situation was not helped by being tied to you from such a tender age.
she now feels antagonism toward you. control issues, in her mind
I believe a divorce is the best option. You must guide that process.
Try to write down and verify the details you mentioned above. Not as a way to get at her, just to minimise her attempt to strip you of assets/entitlements if she attempts such.

Answer 9

Dear Scott,
i'm 39 years old from portland,maine & was married for 3 years & my wife left the 3 year marriage; left me; walked out the door of our luxury apartment on the ocean. she is claiming irreconciable differences today but gave me many excuses to which i feel are & were lame excuses for leaving the marriage. i feel your pain;animosity;hurt; anguish; emotional & mental upset. i really do because bro; i identify & relate to you & your story 100% in many parts of it. the part of your story that hit home with me is where you talked about "not eating" & "not sleeping". i'm going through the same thing. you're not alone out there. it sucks bad.its enough to drive someone to suicide. i hate being alone & living alone. when my wife left me scott i succumed to failing health & my diagnosis is somewhat serious;but am holding my own right now. i'm here for you if you need a friend to share & cry with. again; i hear your pain.

Ralph



Scott B-CAN YOU PLEASE FORWARD ME YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS SO I CAN MAINTAIN CONTACT WTH YOU PLEASE ?

Answer 10

hi, I was trying to e- mail you but it wouldnt let me ... says your e-mail has not been confirmed. i will try again tomorrow. just wanted to see how you are holding up today. I hope at least a little better. Dont blame yourself.. you seem like a real good person, and everybody deserves answers. Be strong, love your daughter and trust in god. Good will come to all those who deserve it!! God bless.