My husband has just told me he doesn't love me, I'm so gutted, can anyone tell me what to do?

Question

We've been together 23 years, I knew by the things he did that he couldn't have been inlove with me. we've been going through a very bad patch during the past 2 years. done the counseling but he didn't admit to her the truth about his behaviour. He has never been with other women, but he wanted to and would have had he been offered it, (those are his words). He said he only stuck with me because he couldn't get anyone else, and wanted to prove he could get someone. I feel so dead inside to know that through everything i did for him he was feeling this way towards me. I worshipped him and i think he knew that so knew i'd always be there. I was just a mother to him. He came back tonight to talk saying he had problems and wanted to be with me, but then after much talking i told him he had to ask himself one question and that was Did he love me YES or NO? and depending on his answer we knew which path to take. So i asked him and he said NO. He's left now, i'm so upset and can't stop crying

Iknow you are going to tell me to forget him- the slime ball, but it's so hard. Ihave loved him for 23 years, fancied him when i was 12, thats over 30 years ago. How do i get through this pain? I'm so numb.

Answer 1

How painful for you. I'm not surprised you are so upset. There really isn't any point in going for more counselling if he isn't prepared to be honest. For some reason he seems to fear judgement of his emotions, he also sounds really insecure. I don't know what to suggest, but as he has now left, you need to concentrate on yourself. Forget worshipping him, you gave him your all, and he took it and thinks he can do what he wants, because you will always be there for him.

You may well always be there for him. You say you are like a mother to him, maybe he doesn't actually want a mother, and in fairness, a relationship cannot develop if the partners are putting themselves or each other into the parent-child relationship.

You need to spend whatever time you have learning about yourself, what you need for you to make yourself happy. Hopefully a bright and confident woman will emerge, and maybe he will see you return to the woman he fell for all those years ago. You clearly love him, that is not the issue. It sounds to me as though he is confused, you cannot sort him out, only he can. Only you can sort yourself out.

I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through, and no doubt are about to go through, but I cannot stress enough the importance of the need for you to work out why you behave the way you do (both good and bad), how it affects the dynamics of the relationship as well as your own emotions, and how to change the bits that need changing. You can do it, and if you want to progress, whether it ends up being with him, on your own, or with someone new, you need to learn this about yourself. Get some personal counselling, it will help you to put all this in the right place, any help and support you can get is going to be beneficial to you.

I hope he comes back to you, ready to work it out, I seriously recommend reading the old classic "women who love too much". You will cry reading it, but you will learn and grow. I wish you all the best.

Answer 2

Sounds like he was really angry when he told you this. He may or may not mean what is saying here. When backed into a corner people will make all sorts of excuses. You definitely need some time for yourself, time to think about something other than this. Create some room for yourself and him.

Also, some men don't respond to the emotionally question: "do you love me yes or no" very well. He may charged up and not ready to say it right now. That's why I say you have to give some room.

Don't know what this "very bad patch" was but it sounds like frustration has been mounting for a while. You said that both of you have been going to a counselor.....and the counselor is female. Have you tried to get a male counselor? Maybe he would feel more comfortable with that.

Also, I think maybe you should consider seeing a professional alone for a little while. It will help you work things out for yourself. And in this situation, you need that reassurance that you are good person.

Answer 3

Please take time to get over this and not jump at the first bloke who shows any interest. If your able try to find an outside interest where you could meet other people not just men. Spend some time just for you go out for the night, book into a B&B away from where you live but do all this for you without him. I feel your husband has just feel out of love with you and even if he did come back you would not be happy. If you feel you wish to talk it is much more easy to talk to a stranger then some one who knows you. I would be that shoulder to cry on if you wish to talk but I really think you need to have a bit of time just for you until you get your head round the break-up of you marrage. I am lucky as I have a great wife and we have just started on our 21st year but we also have had times when things were not as we wished but through talking when this was on our mind we were able to sort it out. At least you know what direction you need to take. All I can add is good luck and health. Terry

Answer 4

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am going through the same thing right now. My wife and I were together for 11 years and 2 months ago she dropped the "I don't love you anymore" bomb. I am still trying to convince myself of this but I will give you the only sad option that you have. You must move on. I have been trying to get my wife back for the past 2 months. The harder I hold onto her the more she pulls away, she has even begun to hate me. It is such a sad thing that we have to do but we have no option. I know that terrible empty feeling you feel inside right now. It is like his love physically was a part of your heart and sould and it was just ripped out. Trust me I know the feeling is real. You are so scarred, and no matter who you are around you feel alone. Just know that right now I along with thousands of others share in your pain. Don't be afraid to email me if you need to talk, it helps me to talk to others.

Answer 5

My dear, I feel very sorry for you. 23 years of your life you have lived without love. with a person who was and is unworthy of you. I can just say, it is good that you are rid of him. He will come back, that's for sure, because he is used to comfort and security which you provide. Why do you think that he couldn't get anyone else, even when he wanted to? Women recognize a selfish and self-absorbed fool and don't want to have anything to do with him. Don't worry because he said that he didn't love you. He doesn't know the meaning of the word. He cannot love anyone except himself. You are right in perceiving that you were a mother to him. He never grew up. Many men never do. Do you have children? If so, take comfort from them. Children are wiser and more perceptive than we give them credit for. If not, well, perhaps you should start thinking of getting a life for yourself?

Answer 6

The first thing you need to do is pull yourself together. If you were a mother to him, so be it. I know you feel used and the things he said are mean, but you will not be able to heal and go on with life until you accept the circumstances. Decide what level of friendship you want to maintain with him, if any and set the guidlines and stick to them.. Love or no love the treatment is not allowed for one human being to another. Once the guidlines are set with him, make you a list of things that need to be done and what it will take to get there. Next start another list of the things you want to do in life and again what it will take to get there. Once you have set the guidlines for your ex, made a list of goals and a list of rewards, take a hot bath with a candle or two. Sit and soak your body about 45 min to and hour and close your eyes and in your mind visualize the path you are on and start taking steps. The first are the hardest and as they get easier you will get closer to recovery. The steps are simple but doing them is the hardes you may encounter. This might not be the only way but it will work and depending on what kind of person you are inside is how long it might take until you are dancing with that kind of geeky looking guy you meet. He has two left feet and manners everywhere. He looks into your eyes with a glance that freezes you and will not let you out of its grasp. He does not have the tom cruise looks but opens your door for you and closes it behind, he pulls out your chair and helps seat at home and in public. When he comes home late from working he brings a single rose to fill the gap left to asure you that he was working and doesn't even know about your problem before. Problem, let us see, what was that problem again. Never mind, there are no problems and that is what is important. Recovery, see we are almost there now. Grasp life not remorse as life is only once. Don't look back as history will always be there and will hold you from the future if you let it. Live now and review history later if we have time or need to as that is what it is for. I will keep you in my prayers and good luck in your future.

Answer 7

This is a most difficult time for you. But be strong. I know, it hurts more than anything in this world, it feels like your heart has just been shattered into thousands of little fragments. You feel alone & scared. But don't. You are strong, you are. You will carry on with your life, and for the better. Look at it this way. You can now put him behind you, and move forward, finding ways to better yourself, for YOU, and no one else. Life will be difficult and different, there will still be days that you cry, that your heart aches and hurts beyond words, but you will be okay in the long run, and not just okay, but better for getting out of this NOW. Take time for yourself to heal, don't rush it. And one day maybe, someone will cross your path. But if that doesn't happen, ENJOY being a woman, enjoy everything that life offers you, every moment and LIVE YOUR LIFE! You will have your memories but you now control your future. Cry when you need to or feel like it. Look at pictures when you need to. But don't let it be a road block for you to living the rest of your life happily, with the one person who loves you and always has.....yourself.

Be the stronger one and show him that you can live your life happily and better without him than with him. Show him what he had and what he gave up because he was on a power trip. BUT DO NOT, let him back into your life if he should come crawling back once he sees the wonderful woman he left behind for his "me man, me powerful" trip. Don't let his stupid ego ruin your life. Let him see that you were the best thing in his life, and now it's gone and he can never have it back.

Answer 8

23years is such a long time of fooling you. You'll need to keep away from him - it will be very hard to go it alone, but it will get better as time goes on. You will have to keep yourself very busy, now is the time to think of only yourself. You will have to force yourself and go out and meet other men who would appreciate you and everything you stand for. Stop your crying he's not worth your tears. Maybe with space between you and him he'll have a wake up call and really think back of all the wonderful things you've done for him and want back in your life - but hopefully you would've found someone else who will be better for you.

Answer 9

Well, you might not have his love at the moment - but many men come to realise they made a mistake. You said it all when you said you worshipped him! Men don't actually love doormats. They walk on them.
So - get your dignity back, get your self respect back. Don't take second hand love - you're too good for that. Get a bit mad at being so taken for granted. In fact, get very mad! You deserved much better.
Half of this might be an act, but at least, you will get his respect. And that, I find, is often the start ...

Answer 10

WOW I'm so sorry to hear that but u really need to go on it will be hard it wont be easy at all especially after so many years together but just think of how u 2 were living basically you 3 weren't happy so just go on there has to be something good out there for u just have faith in God